All the FMLs

Whiner!

By mrjude - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 175

You deserved it 207

Looking the part

By Steampunk Woes - 28/04/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I did a themed circus performance, then went out to small club afterwards, still in my outfit. Three people asked me to join them and chat. Apparently they thought I was ''a strung out prostitute on ketamine'' and ''didn't want anything bad to happen to (me)''. I guess I looked like a Victorian-era hooker? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 191

Get lost

By Anonymous - 28/04/2024 15:00 - United States - Dallas

Today, I had to spend at least 30 minutes, at 3 in the morning, shooting BBs at a mateless whip-poor-will to scare it off so I could sleep. It was making noise in a tree right outside my window. I feel for you my dude, but you're doing the equivalent of drunk texting an ex and crying into your beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 199

You deserved it 386

So, here's the thing…

By dad - 28/04/2024 11:00 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old son and his cousin were play boxing. For fun, I taught them some real moves. I guess my son is a natural but my nephew got hit so hard he fell over and broke his arm. Now I have to explain this to my wife and her sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 651

Travelling light

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip, I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. I couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 180

You deserved it 1 175

Coming!

By Anonymous - 28/04/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I got frisky in the living room, completely forgetting we recently gave our adult daughter access to our home security cameras for safety reasons. The cameras didn’t see anything but she now keeps making fun of my orgasm noises, which apparently she found hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158

You deserved it 566

Some shit indeed

By Anonymous - 28/04/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I woke up, like every other day, with no girlfriend, no family, no friends, and having to go to my second job. I haven't gotten a day off in months and somehow barely can afford rent. I spend within my means and budget appropriately, but there's always some shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 541

You deserved it 125

Lost in translation

By Anonymous - 28/04/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, as I was translating for a patient to get an MRI, the tech asked if I had metal in my body. In front of the patient, I had to disclose that my nipples were pierced, so I couldn’t accompany the patient bedside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 435

Speak up

By Help me - 28/04/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, as I experienced another bout of existential dread while trying to sleep, I declared that it would be the day I opened up to my family about the full extent of my mental health struggles. Also today, I didn't do it. Again. Because I'm anxious it may inconvenience them to worry about me too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 144

Uranus

By Anonymous - 28/04/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, my body couldn't seem to decide whether I had constipation or diarrhea, so it decided to split the difference by making me push my turd out painfully for ten minutes, then let me go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 67

Same!

By shut_up - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Roseburg

Today, after I had watched a few videos of myself, I realized the sound of my own voice is the single most annoying thing I have ever heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 164

You deserved it 5 898

Safety first

By Anonymous - 28/04/2024 03:30 - India

Today, I found out that morning after pills don't work if you're already ovulating. I also found out that I might become a father wayyyy sooner than expected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 615

Self sabotage

By Anonymous - 27/04/2024 15:00 - United States - Normal

Today, I overslept and missed both of my morning classes. I was supposed to lead an instructional discussion in my communications class that was worth a lot of points. Now my grade has dropped from an A to an F. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151

You deserved it 556

Caturday visitor

By Bored - 27/04/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, I once again came to the realization of how boring my life is when I noticed that the stray cat in my yard walks in a really silly manner, and I watched it for what seemed like an eternity, utterly fascinated, until it left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 297

You deserved it 158

SIR!

By twatstick - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 126

You deserved it 3 432

Set up

By Anonymous - 27/04/2024 09:00 - United States - St Louis

Today, I got set up to go to prom with my friend, her man, and his twin brother. The twin I was set up with has decided to start talking to me over text, and proceeds to make racist jokes and acknowledges the full-on racism. My friend who's going with the brother? She's black. I'm stuck a whole night with this guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 405

You deserved it 110

How could you?

By Anonymous - 27/04/2024 05:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I’m nine months pregnant and divorcing my husband. He’s been cheating for the past six months and blamed it on me for “lack of intimacy.” I’ve been hospitalized three times for this pregnancy thus far, so I'm sorry I’ve been sick growing a whole ass human! FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 111

On eggshells

By Anonymous - 27/04/2024 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to hug my husband and give him a kiss. He flinched away and asked what I was doing, because I apparently never hug him, so he thought I might be about to prank him or something. Now I feel bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 621

Piss poor management

By God dammit - 27/04/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, my boss called on my day off and told me to come to work. She neglected to tell me that it was simply to give me my recent paycheck after it got lost, but then she said, "Since you showed up in uniform, you might as well clock in for today. The new guy no-showed again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 534

You deserved it 94

Advice needed

By Anonymous - 27/04/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I lost all hope of finding a man. I’m gonna be 34 and I can’t get a date to save my life. I was cursed with a facial deformity and 285lbs of weight, making all men run for the hills. All of my younger sisters have got married and started families. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472

You deserved it 246

STOP!

By lamelifeguard - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Morrison

Today, someone at my workplace yelled at me and filed a complaint for staring at them too often. I'm a lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 096

You deserved it 4 473

Judgemental much?

By Anonymous - 26/04/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, no matter how well we tried to raise out daughter, things aren't looking too bright. I was present, I listened, and she told me her problems. My husband was always there for her too, no matter what. She works and studies but her role models consist of celebrities and girls who sell themselves on OnlyFans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 210

Gaslighting king

By AionHakim - 26/04/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, it's been six months since I started dating this guy. For the majority of the relationship he would accuse me left and right of lying, cheating, and more. After stressing me the fuck out to my breaking point, now six months later, he casually admits that it was all a ploy to control and use me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 173

Denial

By Andre - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 150

You deserved it 32 412

Long time coming

By I'm the boss, not you - 26/04/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, after weeks of stealing lunch from one of my employees, he made a sandwich with canned cat food, soap, and something unimaginably spicy that caused me to spew all over my office and laptop. I fired him. Now everyone is treating me like a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 2 398

Thanks Aldi

By *Chomp* *Chomp* - 26/04/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I found out that if you put tea bags into a cup of hot water, the tea bags will melt. The result: You get to drink and chew tea leaves at the same time, with little bits of actual tea to help make them go down. 0/10, do not recommend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 474

How very dare you!

By Anonymous - 26/04/2024 05:00 - United States - St Louis

Today, my crush let me know that he has a prom date. Obviously I'm supportive because I just want him to be happy, even if it's not me. I casually let him know that I'm going with someone else too, and now he's really mad about it. If he'd asked me before, I would've said yes. Like… Hello? How dare I get a prom date! FML

I agree, your life sucks 503

You deserved it 115

Robocall

By Anonymous - 26/04/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I have a horribly painful throat infection and can't talk. In spite of this, Dad keeps insisting I call people for him, meaning I have to make use of a text to speech program. Eight out of twelve people I've called on his behalf have hung up, thinking I'm a scambot. Dad is blaming me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 99

Weekend at Bernie's

By Anonymous - 25/04/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I set aside a weekend to spend time with a friend. I learned that someone else is staying there: a fat, unemployed man-child who talks shit about us on Facebook, while his manipulative wife pays his bills. He got evicted from his last home when he pretended to be a ninja and cut up his neighbor's garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 381

You deserved it 85

Breaking news

By I Know How to Pick'em - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Beaverton

Today, as I had a chat with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, one of them had brought up my boyfriend's son and his other child who was due any day now. The conversation would have went well, had I known that he had a son and a pregnant girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 855

You deserved it 2 685

Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work My ex Jealousy Health Accident ADHD Medication Weather Snow Miscellaneous Embarrassing Awkward Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts

The Top

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 737

You deserved it 280

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 668

You deserved it 3 982

The Top

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 374

You deserved it 33 759

Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 028

You deserved it 7 358

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 264

You deserved it 54 094

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 671

You deserved it 39 192

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 282

You deserved it 3 185

Today, my brother and I work for the same company, I’ve been here longer, but he got promoted first and has a higher salary. At first I was afraid he was just better than me, so imagine my relief to discover he’s still an idiot, but he’s just been dicking our manager on the regular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 126