Miscellaneous: Lumpy

Lumpy

By popeye - 25/02/2010 15:18 - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 105

You deserved it 5 359

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

Wardrobe malfunction

By Unknown - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight the shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow, and I tugged so hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 792

You deserved it 37 386

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 676

You deserved it 3 731

Accidents will happen

By Anonymous - 27/04/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 014

You deserved it 9 307

Let's cook

By Anonymous - 20/01/2022 08:01

Today, I may be permanently blind in one eye after my girlfriend squirted me with sauce during a playful food fight. She basically used the first bottle she could grab without looking, the extra spicy sauce I make myself that requires gloves, goggles and nose plugs while cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 309

You deserved it 547

Leave it to the pros

By Anonymous - 05/11/2021 00:01 - United States - Epsom

Today, I was attempting to tame my bushy eyebrows, since I'm starting a new job in a few days and need to look somewhat presentable, when I poked myself in the eye. Hard. I thought I’d blinded myself for a few moments. Now it’s just red, sore and watery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 238

Spice up your life!

By Anonymous - 26/01/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to spice up my lunch by adding hot sauce to my sandwich. Little did I know, the hot sauce bottle had a faulty cap, and as I squeezed it, the entire contents shot directly into my eye. Now, not only is my lunch ruined, but I also look like I just auditioned for a role in a tear-jerker movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 439

You deserved it 114

By Ahhwtf - 18/08/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 733

You deserved it 9 812

Self report

By Bonk - 04/02/2024 08:00 - United States

Today, my clumsiness reached a whole level when I hit myself in the face with a hammer hard enough for blood to come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 186

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, in an attempt to impress a girl I like, I tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead. Not only did I fail, I knocked myself out in the process. When I regained consciousness, the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 763

You deserved it 73 904

Rock on!

By wtf - 08/03/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 841

You deserved it 24 513

perdix 29

Thursday 25 February 2010 19:54

You should have just used Olive Oyl! What were you cooking, swee' peas? Agig-agig-agig!

darienlake 0

Thursday 25 February 2010 19:56

you should get revenge on the can of oil, find its mother, and blast her with the shot gun that you have. that'll teach the can of cooking oil not to be pissy

Comments

blastvortex 3

Friday 26 February 2010 22:06

Put a patch over your swollen eye and call yourself a pirate! Yarrr, matey! Your friends not be one the wiser for it! Now if you'll 'scuse me for a moment, me wooden leg is acting up...