Intimacy: Scarred for life

Scarred for life

By Aly - 09/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 173

You deserved it 5 864

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Same thing different taste

By CallaC - 15/03/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 505

You deserved it 2 898

By Anonymous - 26/06/2015 17:42 - Zambia

Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 200

You deserved it 2 393

By Anonymous - 16/07/2012 00:12 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 979

You deserved it 2 248

Prepper

By suze44 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 242

You deserved it 5 370

By Anonymous - 15/06/2014 21:29 - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 986

You deserved it 3 897

By idonteven - 12/08/2013 20:04 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 030

You deserved it 4 486

By kill me - 30/09/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 926

You deserved it 2 430

By Anonymous - 22/08/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 118

You deserved it 42 999

Freaked out

By allergyface - 16/12/2009 03:34 - Canada

Today, I was talking to my parents when all of a sudden my dad started freaking out and asking my mom how I got this really bad allergy on my face. My mom just laughed, and then I had to explain to him that it was just my acne. The worst part is that he was dead serious the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 612

You deserved it 2 482

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 04:31 - United States - Havertown

Today, my dad had fun embarrassing me as much as possible in my parent-teacher conference by moaning whenever the teacher talked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 494

You deserved it 1 513

WCARlover 34

Friday 9 December 2011 18:47

I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol

kikiwi_fml 9

Friday 9 December 2011 18:47

Looks like your dad has it figured out.

Comments

cjwalsh86 0

Friday 9 December 2011 19:36

Dad 1 kid 0

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 19:41

My dad gave me one also which consisted of; "That's your gun boy and it's loaded, be careful who you shoot"

Enslaved 36

Friday 9 December 2011 19:46

Wise words!

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 19:48

Saved me from some awkward moments let me tell ya.

Enslaved 36

Friday 9 December 2011 19:57

If you ever get caught masturbating, just say you're target practicing! Lol Hopefully that never happens. *knock on wood*

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 20:02

Practice makes perfect. lol Besides, if I get caught now it's my fault for letting them in my house.

sheethapins 13

Friday 9 December 2011 21:37

Knock on wood? Isn't that the idea?

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 21:54

Absolutely, I 'firmly' support knocking wood.

Aoifexzx 3

Friday 9 December 2011 19:44

I think that was the point.

olroydk 0

Friday 9 December 2011 19:50

My mom did something similar but she said don't do anything to you boyfriend that u wouldn't do to you own dad can u ******* believe that lol...

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 19:54

And you can still function in normal society? Damn you're luck, that kinda shit will mess you up for life.

nikkij1988 0

Friday 9 December 2011 21:05

Hilarious

bellnuts 0

Friday 9 December 2011 19:55

Well I guess that's one form of birth control... Haha

Fylminesawsome 5

Friday 9 December 2011 19:57

If there was a "like" button, I would click it.

EmperorHilo 11

Friday 9 December 2011 19:59

That's rough, no kid should have to see that....

xSorry_fml 10

Friday 9 December 2011 20:03

your sex life has been trolled for ever inspiring dads all over the world ^^

cylus13 9

Friday 9 December 2011 20:03

He did his job well. But really sex is a wonderful thing when your ready. And here is a secret. That creepy face he made will be nothing to the one you make when you have sex and it's really good.