Intimacy: Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob.... - FML

By Sal - 03/03/2009 18:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 047

You deserved it 31 136

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Same thing different taste

By ihateveganism - 22/08/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Spicy

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 309

You deserved it 10 013

By blondetergent - 20/06/2011 08:12 - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 918

You deserved it 15 347

By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/02/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 676

You deserved it 6 518

By Anonymous - 23/01/2011 00:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 545

You deserved it 14 765

By Dontworryaboutit - 28/12/2009 10:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 450

You deserved it 38 949

Never gonna happen

By meat lover - 27/09/2022 15:30

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 214

Timing

By Anonymous - 18/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Westerville

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 615

You deserved it 1 192

Double standard

By NoSexForMe - 13/07/2014 07:46 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 818

You deserved it 8 659

Careless Whisper

By ihatejasonderulo - 02/09/2014 15:32 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 671

You deserved it 9 967

John Coltrane

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 04:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 112

You deserved it 22 198

Next

Top comments

Tehalon 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

drybamboo 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing? Unless she equates a ******* to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

Comments

gummibehrs 4

Wednesday 26 August 2009 4:26

Oh no, your girlfriend won't degrade herself by putting her mouth around the thing you piss with! Idiot.

gummibehrs 4

Wednesday 26 August 2009 4:29

I don't think she's really appreciate your coming on this website and bitching about her like a whiny little pussy, either.

scateice 0

Wednesday 23 September 2009 3:40

YDI for having no sense of humor asshole

somename1223132 5

Monday 2 November 2009 1:59

In other words shes a lesbian beacsue she wont put your meat in her

sebster5858 0

Tuesday 22 December 2009 16:01

lol #11 good reasoning

vsk8p1mp720 0

Tuesday 29 December 2009 22:40

u shud of sad my dick is made out of tofu LOL

vsk8p1mp720 0

Tuesday 29 December 2009 22:46

#148 i bet that only meat is dick haHaHA

sevlen 0

Saturday 30 January 2010 9:07

lmao great

Snow223 0

Tuesday 9 February 2010 17:26

You Sould've known! haha

ingridcassandra 0

Tuesday 6 April 2010 20:18

lmfao. that's hilarious.

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The Top

Today, my thieving, layabout stepmom planted weed in my bedroom and showed my dad. Well, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but her smirk and telling me later that I shouldn't fuck with her again seems conclusive to me. Goodbye freedom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 128

You deserved it 3 083

Today, I was giving a presentation in front of my class. Mid-speech, I felt a sudden urge to sneeze and tried to hold it in. Instead, I let out the most obnoxious, window-rattling sneeze imaginable, complete with a spray of snot, which landed on my notes. I think I traumatized my classmates for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 406

You deserved it 114

The Top

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 586

You deserved it 1 956

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 670

You deserved it 35 216

Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me a massage, while talking to his friends in Greek. He told me that he said "She's my #1 cashier." Turns out, what he really said was "See, if you feed them well, they let you touch them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 018

You deserved it 6 099

Today, I've been an avid gym-goer since I was in high school. A year ago I convinced my girlfriend to start going to the gym with me and she had been sticking to it since. She has now has left me for a full-on fitness model she met there. He helped her start an online store, which is doing well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 137

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 434

You deserved it 511

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 914

You deserved it 1 841