Intimacy: Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob.... - FML

By Sal - 03/03/2009 18:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 047

You deserved it 31 136

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Same thing different taste

By ihateveganism - 22/08/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Spicy

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 309

You deserved it 10 013

By blondetergent - 20/06/2011 08:12 - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 918

You deserved it 15 347

By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/02/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 676

You deserved it 6 518

By Anonymous - 23/01/2011 00:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 545

You deserved it 14 765

By Dontworryaboutit - 28/12/2009 10:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 450

You deserved it 38 949

Never gonna happen

By meat lover - 27/09/2022 15:30

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 214

Timing

By Anonymous - 18/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Westerville

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 615

You deserved it 1 192

Double standard

By NoSexForMe - 13/07/2014 07:46 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 818

You deserved it 8 659

Careless Whisper

By ihatejasonderulo - 02/09/2014 15:32 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 671

You deserved it 9 967

John Coltrane

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 04:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 112

You deserved it 22 198

Next

Top comments

Tehalon 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

drybamboo 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing? Unless she equates a ******* to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

Comments

FML12197 0

Wednesday 8 August 2012 15:12

She can't handle the meat. Lol sorry I had to say it.

chandlerbelacic 17

Thursday 25 April 2013 20:24

You're dating a blonde aren't you?

DusktheKat 12

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:49

At least you know that you must have some nice meat. :-)

lukew 4

Sunday 15 September 2013 13:59

That is the best response to not give a ******** I have ever heard.

vinylscratchp0n3 23

Sunday 22 June 2014 4:48

YDI for dating a vegetarian.

MiLM 37

Monday 13 October 2014 16:15

I'd understand if she was VEGAN.... But what vegetarianism has to do with it? I mean, it's not like she's supposed to eat your dick or something...

_fmlmf_ 1

Sunday 14 December 2014 2:33

What a freaking idiot. Dump her.

RAndEM 9

Sunday 4 January 2015 19:00

ooooooh. Damn....Well... sad story.

teribaby89 9

Thursday 5 November 2015 14:35

Noo she is an idiot... Run while u still can

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The Top

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 664

You deserved it 3 777

Today, my wife upset herself by ringing my best friend to see if he would lie about where I was, and he did. Now my wife thinks I get my friends to lie for me to cover up my cheating. I’ve never once cheated. This feels like the next level up from cheating on her in her dreams, because she's crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 136

The Top

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 660

You deserved it 13 160

Today, I found out that, despite my above average performance in school, I was right in the middle of my class ranking at graduation. My school stated that your respect for others would affect your ranking, but the fact that nearly all of the people who placed above me were gigantic pricks says otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 149

Today, the older I get, the more I realise my mom has screwed up my ability to have sex. She used to beat me if she thought I was having impure thoughts, and though she died years ago, when I try to have sex with my girlfriend I hear mom's voice in my head and I go limp. I can’t even masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 691

You deserved it 155

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 380

You deserved it 47 565

Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 128

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 872

You deserved it 4 425