Intimacy: Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend...

By vegas-81 - 10/02/2014 03:39 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 650

You deserved it 16 469

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Same thing different taste

By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/01/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 335

You deserved it 5 148

By Anonymous - 15/02/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 619

You deserved it 2 554

Completely wet

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 20:00

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 2 035

I did a sex

By Anonymous - 17/05/2021 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 1 184

Spontaneous

By FullCircleProblem - 27/01/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 750

You deserved it 2 408

By Med - 13/11/2012 12:02 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 792

You deserved it 2 974

Bad game

By Dick the Greater - 25/10/2013 22:08

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 406

You deserved it 10 367

By drunkluv - 12/04/2011 02:58 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 056

You deserved it 4 183

Explain yourself

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 230

You deserved it 4 591

By jimbop - 23/05/2009 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 919

You deserved it 10 325

shadowfighter10 9

Monday 10 February 2014 13:01

*morgan freeman voice* she's right you know

Pleonasm 35

Monday 10 February 2014 13:03

The Hangover: Part Sex "Holy shit, men, we've somehow made it to her bladder!"

Comments

Kitsi 14

Monday 10 February 2014 16:37

I wouldn't want a nasty-ass drunk tryna screw me,either. Grow up.

Cagara_fml 10

Monday 10 February 2014 16:56

I guess she did not want ur sperms to get a SUI (swimming under the influence)

Goblin182 26

Monday 10 February 2014 17:18

Loretta Lynn summed it up best. "Don't come home drinking with loving on your mind."

ahh_rats 15

Monday 10 February 2014 17:52

At least she likes cream filling

LumpLegacy 15

Monday 10 February 2014 18:13

She sounds like wifie material to me. Like that kid on the simpsons says *points at you* hah hah

smokecloud_ 37

Monday 10 February 2014 21:22

Nelson. His name is Nelson.

Waschlappen 23

Monday 10 February 2014 18:35

I think her excuse was a bit crazy, but drunken sex isn't fun if one person is sober!

Saikon1357 25

Monday 10 February 2014 18:50

Was she drunk, too? Or is your girlfriend just as dumb as you?

Omniprism 14

Monday 10 February 2014 19:42

She's a keeper. She's funny.

dimple13194 10

Monday 10 February 2014 20:18

Condoms?

smokecloud_ 37

Monday 10 February 2014 21:18

Speak for yourself. My boyfriend is an animal when he's drunk and will frequently go 2 to 3 times. Not all drunk sex is bad.

Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work My ex Jealousy Health Accident ADHD Medication Weather Snow Miscellaneous Embarrassing Awkward Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts

The Top

Today, my husband returned from a 6-week business trip. During that time, I put myself on a very strict diet/exercise regimen so I could surprise him with a hefty weight loss. He took one look at me and demanded to know who I was fucking on the side. Yeah, because that’s the only reason I lost weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 131

You deserved it 226

Today, I got a call from a lady who said my husband died in a car accident in Miami. My husband is supposed to be at a business trip in North Carolina, so I told her it must be a mistake. Turns out it was all true. He lied about a business trip and went to Miami with his lover, who was the woman who had called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 57

The Top

Today, I realized that every girl who has approached me or I approached me since high school always ended up trying to get close to me to get close to any one of my friends. Every time I think we’re hitting it off, they ask. When I refuse to set them up, they get angry, and tell others I'm a creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 112

Today, my boyfriend dumped me during what was supposed to be a romantic getaway at a remote log cabin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 775

You deserved it 1 770

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 687

You deserved it 4 504

Today, I was rejected from a restaurant that I wanted to work in during summer break. I asked the reason why I got rejected and the manager told me that I'm not extroverted enough to communicate with customers. I'd applied for the kitchen job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616

You deserved it 104

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 211

You deserved it 9 047

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 302

You deserved it 33 321