Intimacy: Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend...

By vegas-81 - 10/02/2014 03:39 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 650

You deserved it 16 469

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/01/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 335

You deserved it 5 148

By Anonymous - 15/02/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 619

You deserved it 2 554

Completely wet

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 20:00

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 2 035

I did a sex

By Anonymous - 17/05/2021 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 1 184

Spontaneous

By FullCircleProblem - 27/01/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 750

You deserved it 2 408

By Med - 13/11/2012 12:02 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 792

You deserved it 2 974

Bad game

By Dick the Greater - 25/10/2013 22:08

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 406

You deserved it 10 367

By drunkluv - 12/04/2011 02:58 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 056

You deserved it 4 183

Explain yourself

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 230

You deserved it 4 591

By jimbop - 23/05/2009 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 919

You deserved it 10 325

shadowfighter10 9

Monday 10 February 2014 13:01

*morgan freeman voice* she's right you know

Pleonasm 35

Monday 10 February 2014 13:03

The Hangover: Part Sex "Holy shit, men, we've somehow made it to her bladder!"

Comments

awilliams44 9

Monday 10 February 2014 21:50

I wonder what that feels like. #period

noreia 14

Monday 10 February 2014 21:54

consider yourself lucky ;) there are exceptions of course - just like the instantly falling asleep part...

SuperStormCindy 8

Monday 10 February 2014 22:19

She sounds very unintelligent.

iwadasn 32

Saturday 22 February 2014 2:34

Or she doesn't want to have sex with him when he's drunk, idiot.

cyanidesandwich 21

Monday 10 February 2014 22:37

She probably still isn't over the fact that you lost your virginity to her couch, OP.

IfuckingHateYou 5

Monday 10 February 2014 23:50

sounds like you've got yourself a keeper.

amb95x 17

Tuesday 11 February 2014 1:07

Why on earth are people saying YDI?

anon42146 8

Tuesday 11 February 2014 4:39

cause you don't go out drinking and then expect her to put out when you get home. Doesn't work that way fuckass.

amb95x 17

Monday 17 February 2014 23:12

I read it differently to you.

creepyclowntown 10

Tuesday 11 February 2014 2:48

they would be too slow to even make it to the uterus

FangQueen 1

Tuesday 11 February 2014 2:49

Are you sure SHE wasn't drunk?

ninja_darkstar 6

Tuesday 11 February 2014 4:41

Use a damn condom then

smokecloud_ 37

Tuesday 11 February 2014 5:20

Congrats on being a lesbian, 56. Your comment has zero relevance to mine, however. By the way, whiskey dick can happen to chicks too. I can't achieve ****** with even the smallest amount of alcohol. :( Not that it's not fun to try.. Hmm.. maybe that's why we go at it so much.. ;) And yes, I feel incredibly lucky. ;)