Intimacy: Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/05/2011 11:21

Spicy

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 773

You deserved it 69 851

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Same thing different taste

By MyHeadHurts - 20/01/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 210

You deserved it 39 611

Take it easy on yourself

By Anonymous - 25/04/2022 00:01

Spicy

Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 1 657

By Lonely - 02/01/2010 10:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 424

You deserved it 7 452

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 588

Rubbing it in

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 22:00

Spicy

Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 1 269

Bang one out

By exhausted without relief - 08/02/2023 14:00

Spicy

Today, I’ve been so stressed out lately about my health and mounting bills that my insomnia has returned with vengeance. I thought I’d masturbate to help get some relief, but turns out I’m too tired to even do the deed. Too exhausted to release, but my brain still won’t let me sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 171

Can't be bothered

By Anonymous - 06/07/2019 00:30

Spicy

Today, I realised just how lazy I am when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 1 736

By Anonymous - 04/08/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 356

You deserved it 7 943

By RyanM - 13/02/2011 09:01 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 986

You deserved it 64 714

Bad ********

By testacular - 25/03/2014 21:20 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Spicy

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 662

You deserved it 55 827

Next

Top comments

Tadeusz_fml 5

Tuesday 31 May 2011 15:48

Get a hobby. Get help. Go do it now. Also, how did you sunburn your area or the palm of your hands?

DalPozzo13 10

Tuesday 31 May 2011 15:49

Get a girlfriend, that will solve your problem

Comments

hubbs666 2

Wednesday 1 June 2011 16:26

aloe lubricant

quesoboy88 0

Wednesday 1 June 2011 16:54

Ok, so 1. if you really are that concerned about that type of activity you either need a girlfriend, or just a normal friend to occupy your time. 2. real men do it anyway

Nicksoler 7

Wednesday 1 June 2011 17:13

sadness...

MrDiezel 3

Wednesday 1 June 2011 18:32

Lol.. Wth really?

ownintheface 0

Wednesday 1 June 2011 21:06

I hate when that happens... >:(

conman531 23

Wednesday 1 June 2011 23:50

like a boss.

psycho456 0

Thursday 2 June 2011 1:07

WTF? this is just you complaining

chasity_27 2

Thursday 2 June 2011 1:15

did you just waste a 'FML' space for something you can just tweet…?!! #GetALife

Oreogasm 5

Thursday 2 June 2011 2:18

wouldn't TC have to be in the sun long enough to get a sunburn? I would think he does have a life.

themixta 0

Thursday 2 June 2011 3:08

use the other hand?

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Keywords

Love Cheating Work Money Relatable Jealousy My ex Accident Health Medication ADHD Snow Weather Miscellaneous Awkward Embarrassing Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Public freakouts

The Top

Today, I was finishing a conversation with my husband. His phone rang, but he didn't take it. He said, "No, the guy said he was going to call me at 11:30 and it's 11:36. I'll call him in 3 minutes." It was then I realized that I have been the subject of this type of petty control for over 30 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 426

You deserved it 94

Today, my longtime crush, who turned me down because he’s “sick of women”, just got into a relationship. He made it Facebook official, with photos of them and everything. Wanting to even the score, I commented, “So it seems your sickness of women is cured, huh?” He bitched at me for “ruining his moment” and deleted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 1 029

The Top

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 931

You deserved it 2 164

Today, I flicked the bean so hard I fainted. I was in the shower and ended up coming to a few seconds later. I’m now too traumatized to use my vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 539

Today, my boyfriend was coming home after a month of being away. When I heard him knock on the door, I rushed to open it and jumped into his arms for a hug. It wasn't him; it was the mailman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 810

You deserved it 7 674

Today, and ever since his parents died in a crash, my husband is so petrified of his own eventual death that he's determined not to waste any time, even on sleep, and now only allows himself one REM cycle of sleep per night, around 90 minutes. He’s falling apart and refuses to see a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 76

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 886

You deserved it 2 326

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 556

You deserved it 42 780