Intimacy: Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/05/2011 11:21

Spicy

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 773

You deserved it 69 851

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

By MyHeadHurts - 20/01/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 210

You deserved it 39 611

Take it easy on yourself

By Anonymous - 25/04/2022 00:01

Spicy

Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 1 657

By Lonely - 02/01/2010 10:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 424

You deserved it 7 452

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 588

Rubbing it in

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 22:00

Spicy

Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 1 269

Bang one out

By exhausted without relief - 08/02/2023 14:00

Spicy

Today, I’ve been so stressed out lately about my health and mounting bills that my insomnia has returned with vengeance. I thought I’d masturbate to help get some relief, but turns out I’m too tired to even do the deed. Too exhausted to release, but my brain still won’t let me sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 171

Can't be bothered

By Anonymous - 06/07/2019 00:30

Spicy

Today, I realised just how lazy I am when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 1 736

By Anonymous - 04/08/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 356

You deserved it 7 943

By RyanM - 13/02/2011 09:01 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 986

You deserved it 64 714

Bad ********

By testacular - 25/03/2014 21:20 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Spicy

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 662

You deserved it 55 827

Next

Top comments

Tadeusz_fml 5

Tuesday 31 May 2011 15:48

Get a hobby. Get help. Go do it now. Also, how did you sunburn your area or the palm of your hands?

DalPozzo13 10

Tuesday 31 May 2011 15:49

Get a girlfriend, that will solve your problem

Comments

laliique_31 0

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:18

well, wow! how niice! tell someone to help you! :D

legitney 0

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:25

... no comment.

CloudEnvy 17

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:56

Liar.

I'madumbass 19

Sunday 3 December 2017 6:27

No, he's commenting on his inability to comment on this FML. The FML comments section is really just where people judge/give advice to OP and there have been plenty of debates. I think announcing your inability to comment is just fine.

toxicmurder109 4

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:27

y is ur dick sunburned??

goshpeople 4

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:35

Before I got the FML app and started reading this website more often, I had no idea that comments were so often deleted by mods. Sometimes it says "Comment moderated", but other times they're just inexplicably gone. Don't you guys get tired of comments disappearing? I'm curious to know what's been said!

hottiebrunette 0

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:42

well that totally explains your username.. and yeah same here lol i wonder too

Winnerz4life 0

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:38

get a girl......

hottiebrunette 0

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:40

sucks.. maybe now you can get a life or something?

jellyD 1

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:44

ummm nude sunbathing? Jonnie burnt?

LittleGigiK 0

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:47

volunteer somewhere, get a job, or study harder for school. 3 options for you!

ceddyz17 10

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:52

go find something nice and moist to avoid the sun

thatnucca 36

Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:55

That's what you get for thinking the sun is one steamy hot female pornstar...

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Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work My ex Jealousy Health Accident ADHD Medication Weather Snow Miscellaneous Embarrassing Awkward Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts

The Top

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 981

You deserved it 9 781

Today, and for the past month, I've been feeling lightheaded from a breathing problem. I've now been prescribed a medication to help with my anxiety and my breathing issue, which would in turn help stop me from getting so lightheaded. The side effect of said medication: lightheadedness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 868

You deserved it 295

The Top

Today, my partner was driving. We were coming up to a sharp bend up a hill when suddenly a girl and a boy came speeding down the hill on a scooter. My partner stopped well before, but they fell off the kerb. We got out to check they were OK. The girl blamed us and kicked me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 98

Today, I had to come back home early from my holidays. Why? I had asked my grandmother to water my plants, some of which are illegal. Instead of doing it herself, she asked her neighbor… who is a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 860

You deserved it 125 386

Today, my husband is going on his fifth consecutive day without a shower. He’s been working 16-hour shifts, and though I'm empathetic to his exhaustion, his foul body odor has overtaken the bedroom, and his excretions have discolored his side of the bed. I fear the worst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 317

You deserved it 397

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 605

You deserved it 16 358

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 534

You deserved it 23 619

Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 387

You deserved it 6 462