Love: Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires...

By Anonymous - 04/11/2012 18:14 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 789

You deserved it 2 375

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Same thing different taste

By Vampprobs - 25/03/2014 01:52 - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 149

You deserved it 3 223

LET ME OUT!

By Anonymous - 16/03/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 103

Minor threat

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 12:33 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 480

You deserved it 3 446

By shastadoe - 06/08/2012 06:37 - United States - Los Banos

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 621

You deserved it 5 862

I can explain

By 1nn0cen7 1 sw3ar - 06/05/2022 14:00

Today, I had to walk through the women's perfume section to get to my normal aftershave. A woman was trying out a perfume, which she squirted on herself and me. You can imagine the afternoon I had to endure after I got home to my wife and she could smell "some slut's scent" all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 175

J'ACCUSE!

By Anonymous - 15/01/2024 14:00 - United States - Sterling

Today, after I'd been working a 14-hour day, my wife texted me to tell me how she would like to kill me. Apparently, the lid to the garlic container was not screwed on tight enough and it spilled all in the fridge. How is that my fault? FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 158

By Anonymous - 12/08/2015 17:50 - United States

Today, my psycho ex got into my wedding ceremony and attacked my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 930

You deserved it 2 511

By xBubbles38 - 18/07/2011 15:17 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 960

You deserved it 6 278

By bleachingmykidsbrains - 01/07/2015 23:38 - Canada - Montréal

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 787

You deserved it 1 731

By whyme - 07/02/2012 06:38 - United States

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 744

You deserved it 2 120

Callyn 47

Monday 5 November 2012 0:56

Get her to a mental health professional. If she's that delusional, she needs medical care.

JustKittyKat 24

Monday 5 November 2012 0:57

At least she isn't one of those people praying everyday to become one.

Comments

charvisioku 22

Monday 5 November 2012 1:54

It's cruel, but I'd be really tempted to start talking in a Romanian accent and baring my teeth at her at random intervals. Then again, she might stake you if you do that.

Zestus 19

Monday 5 November 2012 2:04

Oh wives...

DrMrStrad 4

Monday 5 November 2012 2:10

But garlic smells so good!

THATguy0698 4

Monday 5 November 2012 2:13

How hasn't she read this and flipped out already?

YeniDewie 0

Monday 5 November 2012 2:18

well, seems u should try to wear vampire costume one day ... lolz

SqueakyChipmunk 21

Monday 5 November 2012 2:28

That's ridiculous! Even my buddies, Larry the Unicorn and Shamus the Leprechaun think do!

mario2012 18

Monday 5 November 2012 2:32

I would blame Stephanie Meyer but she made vampires anything but traditional.

SqueakyChipmunk 21

Monday 5 November 2012 2:33

Those are not vampires. Those are the result of Satan eating a bean cheese burrito.

Blakeykins 0

Monday 5 November 2012 2:39

Too much Twilight.

ICastillo 24

Monday 5 November 2012 2:51

Na sparkling douche bag wanna be vampires don't scare anybody.

xNephilim 18

Monday 5 November 2012 5:34

Not really. If she believed Twilight vampires were real, she wouldn't worry about garlic. She'd carry a pet werewolf around with her. Or a huge, industrial strength blowtorch.

gracehi 31

Monday 5 November 2012 7:45

If you think about it, Twilight vampires are (if you ignore the fact that the Cullens don't feed off humans) much scarier than traditional vampires. They can go out in the day time without bursting into flames, can't be staked, and are impervious to things like crosses, garlic, and silver. They also have various special abilities, such as clairvoyance and mind reading. The only way to kill them is to rip them apart and then burn the remains, which is a near impossible task without a jackhammer since they're made of stone. I can understand why people who are fond of traditional vampires would hate the Twilight series, though.