Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later...

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 00:10 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 860

You deserved it 25 871

Christmas: Snowy Joys and Blunders
Enjoy Christmas stories where unexpected gifts and family reunions create lasting memories... and fun! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

That's so lovely!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 400

You deserved it 4 033

Good old gender stereotypes

By Brian - 05/11/2020 13:59 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I couldn't open a jar of mayo and my cousin had to open it for me. She's a 16 year-old girl and I'm a 24 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 524

You deserved it 806

Back to reality

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 970

You deserved it 28 295

By badtrip - 03/03/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 300

You deserved it 33 485

Feed me

By Anonymous - 16/04/2011 08:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 635

You deserved it 33 490

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 738

You deserved it 32 283

By that1guy - 14/03/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. That's when I saw she'd packed 10 condoms with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 991

You deserved it 6 324

Magpie eyes

By Anonymous - 05/10/2023 16:30

Today, I spent an hour making my favorite work lunches, then portioning them out so I could have them all week. I later came home to a pile of empty containers. My girlfriend said, "Sorry, I got the munchies. Also, can you please do the dishes?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 153

By unbelievable208 - 05/08/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it, I whispered in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I then heard behind me, "I am." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 652

You deserved it 86 720

By a critically injured shitehawk - 25/04/2015 10:34 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 205

You deserved it 3 021

Crazc 15

Friday 24 January 2014 12:33

Bluetooth or no Bluetooth, thats a stupid-ass joke.

ktiskool 18

Friday 24 January 2014 12:37

You're gonna be getting some Hellman's.

Comments

siggy_mcsigx 22

Friday 24 January 2014 17:21

No.

Xotoolyxo 16

Friday 24 January 2014 17:42

Who uses bluetooth's?

Merylwen 24

Friday 24 January 2014 17:59

Classy. YDI

sanecatlady 13

Friday 24 January 2014 18:19

What is it with people this day and age and their "jokes" about their own sex fluids? Gross.

SuckMeBeautifu1 24

Friday 24 January 2014 20:12

"sex fluids"? Wow, you must really be an old one.

n3ophyt3 10

Friday 24 January 2014 18:41

Well her father would be still wondering a person from which part of the world describes that as MAYO

ziya1999 12

Friday 24 January 2014 20:14

She sure as hell mustve lost interest in your mayo.

Vintage_Cola 29

Friday 24 January 2014 20:37

Bluetooth, the holy grail of FMLs.

jellybeens_fml 16

Friday 24 January 2014 23:57

You have mayo on your sandwich?

Ohthatsnasty 17

Saturday 25 January 2014 0:13

Is it in a squirt able bottle?

channelmonica 17

Saturday 25 January 2014 0:14

Mayo have the best of luck when encountering her father next (;

Keywords

Break-ups Love Christmas Poopoo peepee Gross Miscellaneous Ironic Argument Awkward Friends Cute Haircut Relatable Work Cars You're fired Covid Health Jealousy Cheating Parenting Kids Family DIY Cats Sex Roommate Intimacy Am I overreacting? Management

The Top

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 318

You deserved it 9 464

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 639

You deserved it 1 196

The Top

Today, I decided to try an online therapy site, seeing as I have been feeling very lonely and don’t have any friends to talk to about my issues. After filling out all the initial forms, the site told me there was no one available to speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 859

You deserved it 211

Today, after falling down an incredibly expansive DNA test rabbit hole, I found out that my first girlfriend was actually related to me. I can’t believe I’ve lived what I always thought was a disgusting and unrealistic porn trope: teen lesbian incest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 289

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 505

You deserved it 4 697

Today, I let my step-father know exactly what I thought of him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he leaned towards me and quietly whispered, "Well you're adopted. Your parents never loved you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 049

You deserved it 14 521

Today, I found out from my ex-stepmother that my dad and lied about having cancer to cover up the fact that he was losing weight from doing drugs again. He lied about it for 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 106

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 971

You deserved it 34 059