Spicy

Close my eyes

By Anonymous - 12/01/2023 16:00

Today, my daughter and her friends (who are all deaf) came home from college to get ready for a big ASL event, or so I thought. The event is Comic Con for the deaf and the girls stayed up late, signing about “all the dick they were going to catch” and using lazy euphemisms. I understand ASL; they didn’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 375

Mr Loverman

By Anonymous - 12/01/2023 10:00

Today, after my wife broke my heart years ago when she cheated, I then met my sexual ying, and developed a napalm relationship, but she lost her marriage and relies on me for everything. So now I have FOUR human beings relying on me. Nobody should say anything but I deserved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 199

You deserved it 1 527

Multitasking

By Anonymous - 12/01/2023 04:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend, whom I live with, has been having an emotional affair with two other women, both ex-girlfriends. He's been sexting them during our one and a half year relationship, and even brought me up in their conversations, about how I'm not hotter than them and how they can suck his c**k better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 462

You deserved it 222

J'ACCUSE!

By hurtswhenipee3 - 11/01/2023 16:00

Today, I got a urinary tract infection. I didn’t realize men could get those. Worse yet, my girlfriend thinks it’s an STI because, “IF I’M NOT FUCKING YOU, SOMEONE MUST BE!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 212

Greatest prank ever

By Anonymous - 10/01/2023 19:00 - United States - Yakima

Today, while I was mid-act with my girlfriend, my mom unlocked my bedroom door and came in shaking maracas. She then handed them to my very shocked girlfriend and told her these were the "Busted maracas" and directed her to pass them along accordingly. Well, at least our first time was memorable… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 420

You deserved it 361

Cheeky

By Anonymous - 10/01/2023 08:00

Today, I was eating lunch in my car. There was a cute guy, also in his car, who kept smiling at me and winking with a cheeky grin. I considered giving him my number but his girlfriend suddenly sat up from having her head in his lap, wiping her mouth. He was getting a blowjob the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 325

You deserved it 314

Date night

By Anonymous - 10/01/2023 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I booked a restaurant and nice hotel for date night. We only get a few hours away from our baby, so we may as well squeeze in sexy time! I told my husband and he was more worried about the awkward early check out than excited for the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 246

Protips from Dad

By Anonymous - 08/01/2023 15:00

Today, my son asked his mom about sex, so she talked about love, marriage, God, affection and all that bollocks, missing the point that he wanted to know about having good sex since he has a girlfriend now, so I explained all the wet, squishy practical bits of sex. Now my wife is mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 537

You deserved it 1 253

So, thanks for that

By Anonymous - 08/01/2023 09:00

Today, I had to listen to my mom telling me my paternal grandmother had to tell he my step-grandfather has a small uncut dick, but big balls. I could've gone my whole life not knowing that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 330

Just tradwife things

By Fapmaster - 07/01/2023 03:00

Today, after a year and a half of sticking to my new wife’s “no-sex-before marriage” rule while we dated, she brushed me off while I tried to consummate the marriage. Apparently, she’s not ready to have kids yet and “semen will get the sheets dirty.” Guess I’ll be jerking it on my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 767

Domino dancing

By Anonymous - 06/01/2023 18:00

Today, I watched the love of my life look me straight in the eye and lie to me with well-practised ease about where she spent last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 514

Whatever floats your boat

By RainbowD4PowerNozzle - 02/01/2023 21:00

Today, while cleaning my vehicle at the car wash, the vacuum cleaner found a new purpose. As I twisted around, the mouth of the hose made its way down to my crotch and latched on. It definitely wasn’t painful, but I’ve now been sucked off by a vacuum. Best yet weirdest blow job ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 1 270

Bedtime stories

By Anonymous - 02/01/2023 03:00

Today, my boyfriend really gets off hearing me talk about previous sexual experiences in extreme detail while we are having sex. I have run out of real stories, so now I just make stuff up, but it's getting hard keeping track. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 291

You deserved it 471

Giggley McGiggle

By not sexy! - 01/01/2023 12:00

Today, my husband decided to surprise me with some "sexy" manscaping. When he took his clothes off, I immediately got drier than the Sahara desert. He was going for "porn star" but instead looked like a prepubescent kid, which immediately turned me off. He then got mad at me for “ruining the mood.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 410

Dude, you're really bad at this

By Anonymous - 31/12/2022 05:00 - Kenya

Today, I was so horny, I decided to meet up secretly with a guy after having dinner with family. We went for a night drive and he parked somewhere to go down on me. The dude was sucking the life out of my clit, almost biting it off. Good thing my mum called and I had a reason to escape the ordeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 318

You deserved it 844

You must be kidding

By Hurt - 30/12/2022 18:00

Today, my husband of 6 years told me he has a 5 year-old. In fact, she was conceived the night before our wedding. Apparently, the “one last time fuck as a single man” with his female bestie was too good of an opportunity to pass up. He doesn’t get why I’m not speaking to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 154

You deserved it 225

What kind of sex are you having?

By Anonymous - 30/12/2022 00:00

Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 030

You deserved it 457

Weird family

By Veronica - 29/12/2022 09:00 - United States - Allentown

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. His mom didn’t know much about it, and she walked in on us. After about 5 minutes she came back up, threw a box of condoms at us, says, "Continue" and walked out. We were still fucking while she was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 365

You deserved it 2 083

Do not attempt this at home

By PetiteLover - 28/12/2022 21:00

Today, I’m dating a petite girl, and I've had fantasies of picking her up and fucking her in midair. I attempted to try this fantasy last night. I'm now in the hospital with broken and bruised ribs and tailbone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 1 615

Poor performance

By Anonymous - 28/12/2022 03:00

Today, I finally had sex with my husband and orgasmed. Three hours apart from each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 323

Time to bail

By Anonymous - 26/12/2022 18:00 - United States

Today, I spent $900 for a 2-hour private room session at a strip club, simply to sit, talk, and cuddle (nothing sexual). I'm "happily" married, but my love language is physical touch. I love soft and gentle affection and my wife hates it. I'm already planning to go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 797

Quality family time

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 970

You deserved it 3 083

Dude, were you just in a McDonald's?

By Anonymous - 25/12/2022 15:00

Today, it started off as a good day, until my guy friend called me in the middle of me turning my vibrator on. He was crying so I couldn’t finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 656

You deserved it 834

A heartwarming Christmas story

By Fatslobmom - 24/12/2022 12:00

Today, my husband confessed to having an affair, resulting in us loudly arguing. Our 8 year-old daughter asks what was going on. My husband told her, “If you don’t want a divorce when you grow up, a word of advice: eat your fruits and vegetables so you don’t become a fat slob who gets cheated on!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 383

A touching Christmas tale

By Anonymous - 24/12/2022 00:00

Today, I brought my girlfriend back to my place, but my abusive, homeless dad, who I haven’t spoken to in a year, had broken in to have sex with some woman in my front room, before both passing out on heroin. My girlfriend saw my dad's penis and drug stuff, and left me to clean him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 256

There's a Brendon Burns joke in there somewhere

By Fucking, Impossible - 23/12/2022 11:00 - United States

Today, I was attacked with the classic "I fucked your mom" joke. I calmly informed the troll that my mom is 51, obese, still married to my father after 20+ years, and, most importantly, had a life-saving hysterectomy when I was five. He still insisted that he did the act. FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 1 218

Wifey

By Melissa - 18/12/2022 03:00

Today, the man I love and have lived with for over 5 years told me, “If you were the wifey type, I’d totally put a ring on it and make you mine forever.” So basically, all the cooking, cleaning, massages, and sex are all for nothing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 402

Our little secret

By Anonymous - 16/12/2022 12:00

Today, I found out that the “stranger” I’ve been confessing my kinky, dark, and disgusting fantasies to online is a friend from high school, who figured out it was me by the third sentence. Now I'm praying she has a heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 1 401

He goes to a different school

By Anonymous - 15/12/2022 18:00

Today, at work during lunch, a bunch of the girls were talking about their husbands and boyfriends and sex stuff. I unfortunately got involved and basically made shit up and lied my ass off because no way would they believe I’m a virgin at 37, who last had a boyfriend in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 350

You deserved it 483

Tonight, on First Dates…

By singleloseragain - 15/12/2022 12:00

Today, I had my first date with a cute older guy. What started as a perfect night ended in tears when we ran into my mom at the drugstore while he was buying us beer and condoms. She gave him a verbal lashing of a lifetime and told him my real age, 17. I'd told him I was 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 4 206

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2 month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk whenever they make a noise. My fridge started beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, "It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 480

You deserved it 1 481

Today, I'm in love with my best friend. We are intimate but live 24 hours away from one another. We had been discussing him moving closer to me, which was a recent turn of events and I was elated. We could finally be together… until some unexpected tragic news uncovered a kid he wasn't aware of. Now he's a single dad and staying put. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 123

The Top

Today, after the doctor poking around my urethra and vagina at a lump, she turns to me and says, "I'm going to be honest, I have no idea what that is. Have some antibiotics and we'll see how it goes in two weeks." Excuse me while I go panic in a corner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 960

You deserved it 1 617

Today, a nearby volcano erupted for the second time. We were all urged to keep our windows and doors closed in case of ash clouds. My father responded by opening every window and door and shouting, "Come at me, bro!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 045

You deserved it 2 856

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 384

You deserved it 6 389

Today, my daughter asked to go to a party and I said no, because I know some of the other people going and they're bad news. She then said she only asked permission as a courtesy, and is going anyway and just left. She lives with me but she did turn 18 last week, and I don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 945

Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 626

You deserved it 3 090

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 150

You deserved it 21 046