The Top

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I was right all along

By 3peeps - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 813

You deserved it 4 059

By notakeeper - 03/01/2014 03:50 - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 102

You deserved it 4 664

By Amy - 10/01/2013 05:09 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend wearing yoga pants and taking pictures of his butt to post on a "Girls in yoga pants" site. He saw my expression and said, "Nah, it's cool, I hid my junk so they'll think it's a chick!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 000

You deserved it 5 994

By damgoose - 15/06/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 860

You deserved it 62 306

Confusing

By Anonymous - 06/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 943

You deserved it 4 468

By Shelly - 30/10/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 166

You deserved it 12 583

By unengaged - 14/11/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 313

You deserved it 4 221

By Vac - 05/04/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 598

You deserved it 8 725

By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 00:56 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 806

You deserved it 35 839

By Champion the wonder horse - 28/07/2011 08:15 - United States

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 978

You deserved it 56 809

By suhleedah18 - 24/04/2012 18:49 - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my problem with making eye contact is, when I caught myself looking the other way when the singer in a music video looked directly at the camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 828

You deserved it 4 978

Looking cool

By Anonymous - 18/05/2014 04:48 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 863

You deserved it 6 084

By JCC - 18/05/2011 10:57 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 473

You deserved it 13 062

By emih - 21/02/2010 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 589

You deserved it 3 146

By notfatanymore - 13/11/2011 20:50 - Germany

Today, the guy I've recently started seeing confided that he's relieved I'm on the heavier side, and that he has a thing for watching chubby women eat. I just reached my ideal weight after losing 40 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 369

You deserved it 4 106

By Anonymous - 30/03/2015 05:56 - United States - Sacramento

Today, a teenage girl with a selfie stick came into my workplace. She knocked down multiple displays while trying to take pictures, before leaving without making a purchase. I had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 186

You deserved it 2 475

By clumsy - 04/01/2011 15:47

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 270

You deserved it 4 707

By courtnayy - 30/09/2013 14:47 - United States

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 659

You deserved it 6 003

By Username - 18/10/2010 12:03 - France

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had cheated on me with a minor. She's claiming it was rape and is going to put him in jail. He asked me to help him pay for his attorney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 051

You deserved it 4 022

By shouldbehappyiguess - 11/07/2013 06:20 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, a coworker complimented me on losing weight, and said that she wished she could drop a few pounds too. I was too embarrassed to tell her that the only reason I've lost weight is because I haven't been able to afford to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 101

You deserved it 3 923

Hilariously sexy

By Laceylace - 22/03/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 243

You deserved it 13 232

By Eloy Ymer - 22/08/2010 23:51 - Netherlands

Today, I found out I sleepwalk. How you might ask? By awakening the moment just before I fell from the stairs. I was better off sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 126

You deserved it 2 571

By caca maker - 13/01/2013 09:22 - Canada

Today, while arguing with my pregnant wife, she said, “You can’t understand. I’m creating life. What are you creating, besides poop?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 266

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 342

You deserved it 3 848

By aerythia - 08/12/2012 16:12 - United States - Nashville

Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 681

You deserved it 5 519

Hack

By Anonymous - 13/04/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 936

You deserved it 6 044

By sadcinderella - 22/12/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I spent my day alone while my parents and siblings were at school and work. Trying to be helpful, I cleaned out the fridge, did 5 loads of laundry, worked outside, fed the pets and made dinner for the entire family. The evening was spent hearing complaints of how wrong I did everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 484

You deserved it 3 303

The price of love

By broke - 05/05/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 693

You deserved it 5 220

By Orgasmataz - 25/01/2015 22:10 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out that, due to the walls at my uni dorm being ridiculously thin, my entire flat overheard me lose my virginity. Spanking and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 466

You deserved it 10 562

Orgasmataz tells us more.

Orgasmataz 0

Monday 26 January 2015 20:13

OP here! We did have some music playing actually...I don't think my flatmates will be listening to Jake Bugg for a while haha

Cool beans

By oopsiecoffee - 09/04/2009 06:40 - Canada

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like, "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with, "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full." He's the owner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 330

You deserved it 76 761

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 825

You deserved it 4 306

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 488

You deserved it 11 509

The Top

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 219

You deserved it 262

Today, I was on the phone with tech support for over an hour, getting increasingly frustrated. After finally fixing the issue, I sarcastically said, "Thanks for nothing, genius," thinking I'd hung up the call. Turns out, I hadn’t. The tech guy coolly replied, "You’re welcome, genius." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 721

Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 24

Today, while watching TV at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark, nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realized she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 235

You deserved it 5 058

Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. The hostess asked if I needed "the kid's menu," remarked how I look "so grown up for your age," and asked what grade I was in. I said I'm in university. She laughed as if it was the best joke ever told. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 774

You deserved it 2 046

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 663

You deserved it 5 009