The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By notyouraverage - 03/04/2018 19:00

Today, I was doing a PowerPoint presentation in front of my whole class, when I accidentally clicked on the folder that has zillions of pictures of my crush. He's one of my classmates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 468

You deserved it 6 948

By Anonyme - 02/09/2015 04:21 - France - Mitry-mory

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 7 755

FML Uncensored

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 06:00

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain downstairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 614

You deserved it 882

By oh gee - 02/05/2016 05:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 446

You deserved it 5 301

By mehdi - 13/10/2008 08:20

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 327 312

You deserved it 33 817

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 17:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 503

You deserved it 3 286

By Anonymous - 01/07/2016 16:23 - Sweden - Alingsås

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 424

You deserved it 1 859

By snortingspunk - 03/12/2015 12:52 - South Africa

Spicy

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 460

You deserved it 4 133

High emissions zone

By BodyElectric - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 142

You deserved it 3 898

No Ragerts

By "Sonofaquiche" - 07/05/2017 00:00

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 110

You deserved it 5 702

By Anonymous - 01/11/2017 20:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I woke up duct-taped to the toilet in nothing but a straitjacket. I don't remember what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 472

You deserved it 2 042

By TeaSea - 11/02/2018 01:30

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 369

You deserved it 474

Sensual world

By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 15:05 - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 239

You deserved it 3 011

That worked out rather well

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 10:36 - Ukraine - Poltava

Spicy

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 228

You deserved it 3 643

By Sergeant - 22/01/2018 13:00 - Russian Federation

Today, I fainted in the bathtub. My family broke the door to save me, which is great, but they all saw me naked, which is not so great. My siblings laughed at the size of my penis, my father laughed at the situation, and my mom just cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 309

You deserved it 412

By Hufflepuff girl - 10/10/2017 11:54

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 422

You deserved it 430

Size Queen

By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 05:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 259

You deserved it 14 872

By Cantunsee - 26/08/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 154

You deserved it 435

By Anonymous - 02/12/2017 05:00

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 985

You deserved it 1 098

By Anonymous - 18/04/2018 11:00 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 351

You deserved it 1 004

By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 04:46 - United States - Middleboro

Today, at our wedding, instead of saying "I do", my fiancé paused before saying, "I can't do this", stepped down from the altar and proposed to my maid of honor. When she obviously refused, he ran from the venue bawling. He's not returning my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 535

You deserved it 2 528

Choices, Choices...

By FeelingAwkward - 20/03/2017 10:19

Spicy

Today, I have the option of staying downstairs and having to listen to my father have sex with his girlfriend, or moving upstairs and having to listen to my brother's side of cybersex with his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 534

You deserved it 742

Born2Goth tells us more.

Born2Goth 18

Saturday 18 March 2017 2:01

Hey this is mine, I didn't realize it got published. I don't actually live at my dad's house, I was just visiting. So I don't really have any friends there and It was really late at night so I didn't really have anywhere else to go. The only headphones I had were not at all noise canceling, even when playing loud music. I did end up moving upstairs but that's only because that's where I was sleeping. IT was pretty awkward lol.

By angrymother - 27/07/2016 01:21

Spicy

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 824

You deserved it 1 733

By petmosch - 04/08/2017 00:30

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 269

You deserved it 2 444

By Anonymous - 03/04/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 573

You deserved it 393

Emergency

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307 304

You deserved it 20 895

By thehunterofprey - 22/06/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 723

You deserved it 448

Thanks, Burgess

By singingintherain - 01/07/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 244

You deserved it 762

Spicy!

By feeling dusty - 11/03/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 877

You deserved it 1 610

By Anonymous - 07/04/2017 04:00

Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 610

You deserved it 672

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 199

You deserved it 17 042

Today, while sitting at a table in a coffee shop, I overheard someone on the next table talking about their horrible boss. I joined in, complaining about mine, and going into great detail about what an arsehole he can be. Turns out, I was talking to my boss's sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 651

The Top

Today, my husband was served child support paperwork by the couple he insisted on donating his sperm to. When I tried to warn him beforehand, he said I was being a jealous, paranoid, control freak and that it was his decision to help out some friends. We’re already struggling financially. Thanks babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 199

You deserved it 462

Today, I was working at Subway when a middle-aged lady demanded that I give her a sandwich for free. When I refused, she took out a spray bottle of water and sprayed me in the face, like a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 634

You deserved it 275

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 797

You deserved it 7 619

Today, I was having a nice moment with my granddaughter as she was being affectionate by stroking my face. We were both quite content, until she said, "Aw, Grandma, your skin feels just like a crocodile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 965

You deserved it 3 481

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 205

You deserved it 50 170

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 341

You deserved it 290