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Confusing

By so confused - 09/12/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was sexually frustrated. Naturally, I started coming on to her, only for her to shove me away and snap that just because she was sexually frustrated, it didn't mean that she wanted sex. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 218

Functional

By Anonymous - 15/12/2023 05:00

Today, I knew my son was obsessed with Anime, which is fine because he has a job, and seems like a functional human being, but this afternoon he sent out invites to all our relatives to a virtual reality wedding, where he will marry some sort of nonexistent cartoon girl called "Wife Fu." FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 158

Pineapple juice

By Anonymous - 25/12/2023 18:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend when she said, "Babe, I'm not trying to be rude but your cum tastes horrible." I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Okay." Apparently, me saying that means i won't try to make my cum taste better, which I can "definitely do", and now she's mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 244

Panic in the streets

By Insane Guy - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 625

You deserved it 8 064

Very posh

By Anonymous - 24/01/2024 14:00 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my parents found my box of condoms. I'm 20, so it's no big deal, and they commended my responsibility. What they don't know is I don't talk to any girls, and I bought those condoms to jerk off into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179

You deserved it 381

Cooked

By Anonymous - 08/03/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother cooked breakfast for everyone at my house. Then I later found one of my sex toys in the sink. I “casually” asked her what she used it for, and turns out she used it to make everyone’s scrambled eggs. She thought it was an electric egg whisk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 309

You deserved it 567

Human! Come quick!

By He got a lot of treats for that - 09/03/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I woke up at the ungodly hour of 4AM to my cat clawing at my door and yelling at me. Normally I'd just wait until he stopped, but he was persistent, so I got up and opened the door to see what he wanted. He then corralled me to the laundry room. My dryer was on fire. Good boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 134

Hell no!

By Anonymous - 14/03/2024 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife opted for a home birth with a nurse and her mother. Her mother is such a baby-feral, men-are-bastards, hippie feminist dragon that not only did she yell at me when I tried to be in the room, she has now pushed me out of the house. I ended up sat in my car with only one shoe and no phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 655

You deserved it 207

Neighborly

By Anonymous - 14/05/2024 23:00

Today, I needed emergency work on my house, so I’ve been taking wine, beer, and chocolates to my neighbours as an apology for the noise and dust. Later, one of the husbands came round and punched me for showing him up, because he hasn’t given his wife chocolates in years, so she’s mad at him and he blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 614

You deserved it 117

No diggity

By bullllllshittttt - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 817

You deserved it 6 695

Fashionable

By arose - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer, so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own now has stripes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 666

You deserved it 3 375

You can't do anything these days!

By I want a divorce! - 24/07/2024 13:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, even though I told him not to, my husband tried the old “pull a shotgun on your daughter’s date” thing. It turns out the kid’s mom is a lawyer and his uncle is a cop. Now my husband is under investigation for a hate crime, because the kid is a different race than us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 357

Be careful what you fantasize for

By Anonymous - 19/08/2024 07:00 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy who works with me, and for whom I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until, in the heat of the moment, my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 1 130

YouTubers being YouTubers

By moron - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a Taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a YouTube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 759

You deserved it 3 828

Freakshow

By iheartnjdevils - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 953

You deserved it 8 051

Naptime

By Celeste - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 994

You deserved it 3 324

Cash grab

By Megan - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was doing my laundry when I saw a dollar bill at the bottom of the washer. I excitedly dove in to retrieve the money, and promptly hit and broke my nose on the washer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 943

You deserved it 26 333

No good deed…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 120

You deserved it 4 281

Early warning

By Anonymous - 16/11/2024 00:00 - Ireland

Today, my dog started barking at literally nothing in the middle of the night. I spent 15 minutes convinced there was a ghost or something in my house, only to realize she was barking at her own shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 115

Pros and cons

By aylla - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 411

You deserved it 2 493

It's sus to us

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - New Orleans

Today, I got lost, and eventually noticed that I'd passed by the same house a few times. Apparently somebody who lives on that street noticed as well, because the next time I passed by, the police were waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 436

You deserved it 4 496

Still not calling it X

By twitterfailsme - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 516

You deserved it 3 670

Hard no

By unemployable - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 291

You deserved it 3 587

Multitasking

By the_dog_sitter - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, I watched as a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was OK but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 994

You deserved it 25 069

Double standard

By Anonymous - 06/05/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I was at a wedding reception. Everyone got offended when I threw my hands up and backed off to avoid catching the garter and let the two guys on either side fight for it. Nothing but laughs for the cousin who grabbed the bouquet out of someone else's hand and punched her, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 109

Drive-by casualty

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Fairfax

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 035

You deserved it 2 720

More proofreading required

By Anonymous - 20/05/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I sent a text to my boss saying, "Looking forward to our meeting tomorrow." Autocorrect changed it to, "Looking forward to our mating tomorrow." My boss replied with, "I think you meant meeting. Let's keep it professional shall we." FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 159

Only skin deep

By Anonymous - 26/05/2024 13:00 - United States - Great Bend

Today, I've been married for 17 years. I struggle with OCD and there are some things I can't get past mentally. One is tattoos. I have no sex drive toward women with tattoos. Friends only if they have tattoos. My wife knows this issue. My wife got her first 4 tattoos in February. Why?? Sex drive gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 368

Party animal

By stupid friendless loser - 29/06/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I slipped out my bedroom window at night in an attempt to rebel against my parents. Then I realized that I have no friends and nowhere to go, so I tried to climb back in. I fell, broke my ankle, and laid in the dirt until my parents found me in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 688

Practice makes perfect

By Anonymous - 03/08/2024 13:00

Today, my girlfriend decided to try swallowing instead of spitting. Now this was entirely her own idea, I never asked her to try, and yet when she gagged, vomited, and sneezed so it all came dribbling out of her nose, somehow it was all my fault because I’m "disgusting." I love you too, Sweetie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 136

Keywords

Love Cheating Work Money Relatable Jealousy My ex Accident Health Medication ADHD Weather Snow Miscellaneous Awkward Embarrassing Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Public freakouts

The Top

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 748

You deserved it 2 452

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I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 18

The Top

Today, I went to the bathroom after a terrible job interview. My interviewer walked in with another guy, talking about my interview, saying he was obviously going to hire the other guy because my odd-sounding name was too hard to pronounce, yet alone spell in multiple emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 550

You deserved it 166

Today, as I was fueling my truck, I was asked out to dinner by a 65-year-old retiree. I'm 25. He stormed off and called me a bitch for politely turning him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 012

You deserved it 290

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said, "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 046

You deserved it 50 911

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 617

You deserved it 2 540

Today, my husband suggested we start making pornos online to make ends meet. I told him, “You bust so quickly, it’ll have to be a TikTok.” He’s been pouting all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 453

Today, my girlfriend only gets horny on her period. Unfortunately, she also gets extremely gassy, so I get to smell her vile farts the entire time. I think this relationship is turning me asexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 155