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The all-time greatest FMLs

By hmb - 16/09/2010 18:50 - United States

Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 078

You deserved it 2 919

By alopez1994 - 21/04/2011 05:28

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was, "Don't, you'll regret it later." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 077

You deserved it 13 797

By Fmylife.25 - 03/09/2010 19:56 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 071

You deserved it 6 175

By Devon - 03/09/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 071

You deserved it 5 043

By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 070

You deserved it 4 597

By roadrage - 22/10/2009 13:11 - Australia

Today, I missed my University entrance exam because of heavy traffic. I was stuck at one intersection for over an hour. The real kicker? It took me less than 10 minutes to drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 069

You deserved it 3 299

Date night

By JulleandCici - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 069

You deserved it 5 062

By Anonymous - 31/01/2011 17:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 068

You deserved it 4 053

Loose at the seams

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 065

You deserved it 3 430

By Joy - 16/06/2010 14:42 - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 065

You deserved it 19 243

By Anonymous - 24/06/2012 14:17 - Canada - Cochrane

Spicy

Today, a homeless man tried to sell me a "magic, one-finger glove". It was a used condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 3 287

By Not Mrs Soprano - 08/07/2013 11:57 - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 3 553

Congratulations!

By Alex - 15/08/2011 04:16 - New Zealand

Today, it was my engagement party. All was going fabulously, until my fiancé's dad decided to give us a toast, and completely forgot my name in front of all my family and friends. I've been with his son for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 3 128

By shifala - 22/01/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 3 194

By Username - 12/09/2010 14:46 - France

Spicy

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 6 508

Messing around

By unknown - 08/03/2014 00:53 - United States - San Antonio

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mess around at my workplace's parking lot. Things got hot and steamy, but in the middle of it all, there came a bang at my car window. My frantic boss had seen us and thought I was being attacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 062

You deserved it 28 835

By oww - 05/04/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. It was windy, so I decided to get my hat from the car trunk. When I opened it and reached in, loose papers started flying everywhere. Panicked, my dad slammed the trunk shut on my fingers. Entering the stadium, I discovered it was free hat day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 062

You deserved it 5 713

By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 20:38 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 059

You deserved it 16 964

By Anonymous - 10/03/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 058

You deserved it 9 239

By Giulii - 02/09/2010 05:54 - United States

Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I'm touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I'll end up in jail. My parents are crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 058

You deserved it 16 470

Giulii tells us more.

Giulii 0

Thursday 2 September 2010 13:41

I'm the OP. I have a teacher that definitely HATES Obama because she's more than sure that he's a muslim (ignorant, much?) and that's why me and my friends took the picture in the first place. Btw I'm sixteen and a girl, I know it was something dumb to do, but still my parents had no right to ground me based on how I 'misuse Facebook' .-.

By lottielondon - 04/05/2011 13:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 058

You deserved it 3 764

By Nickolas - 31/12/2010 05:58 - United States

Today, I was getting my chest waxed. The woman dipped the stick into the wax and hit her elbow, making wax fall into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 057

You deserved it 3 731

Pish yerself

By breyn - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 056

You deserved it 2 534

By OwMyBalls - 12/02/2012 06:17

Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 055

You deserved it 6 503

By Anonymous - 23/05/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, the guy I have loved for seven years asked me to move in with him. Turns out he only did so because he needed someone to pay the rent since he's quit his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 055

You deserved it 4 946

Smells like victory

By B-rent - 18/03/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 053

You deserved it 7 081

Stalling

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 02:56 - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 049

You deserved it 6 545

By ilovemybrother - 28/10/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I got on my computer and saw my little brother had left his myspace page up with a message between him and his friend. They were talking about a plan to basically humiliate me in any way possible. It was called "Operation: Fat Cow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 048

You deserved it 4 755

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a 24-hour taco shop, while he was wearing a tee-shirt that says "F*** Me I'm Famous." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 048

You deserved it 9 540

By johnny121 - 01/01/2010 19:14 - France

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 046

You deserved it 2 662

Keywords

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The Top

Today, we have elevators at my work, but you need to go to HR to get a key. I was denied one after I almost died in a car accident because I didn’t look “hurt enough.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 83

Today, my boyfriend is coming over. We haven't seen each other for a while so for a surprise, a few days ago, I decided to shave my pubic hair. I've come up in a huge rash that looks like some sort of infection. Not quite the sexy surprise I was hoping for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 737

You deserved it 6 900

The Top

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 843

You deserved it 6 097

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 709

You deserved it 171

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I've had a massive pain in my throat. It went down for a while with antibiotics, but when it came back I had to go to the hospital for an emergency surgery. There was a 3 cm abscess growing in my throat. Happy birthday to me! FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 110

You deserved it 125

Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 644

You deserved it 18 481

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 106

You deserved it 13 522

Today, I woke up to find my cat had knocked over a glass of water, which short-circuited my alarm clock, so I overslept, missed a crucial meeting, and found out I'd been promoted... to a position which no longer exists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 525

You deserved it 148