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The all-time greatest FMLs

By nicholascageonyourface - 09/06/2013 05:13 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 428

You deserved it 5 142

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 424

You deserved it 4 970

Come on!

By prochainefois - 31/01/2014 21:05 - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Come on Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 418

You deserved it 6 917

Kinda cute

By anon - 09/09/2013 15:15 - United States - Mantua

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 408

You deserved it 26 009

By diamondsareforever - 18/07/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 367

You deserved it 3 369

By Anonymous - 12/02/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again, but I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out." My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 364

You deserved it 4 770

By Dang-ItsDanielle - 07/03/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 357

You deserved it 19 427

By 404: sense not found - 08/06/2014 18:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 345

You deserved it 7 342

By Kelly - 12/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 339

You deserved it 3 974

By Amey - 04/05/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 335

You deserved it 29 391

By Anonymous - 30/05/2009 14:19 - Australia

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 320

You deserved it 21 499

The long walk

By Anonymous - 26/05/2009 21:37 - Germany

Today, there was a huge storm. There were no buses, so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years, who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and it makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 319

You deserved it 3 907

By Iskylite - 10/09/2013 21:41 - United States - Spring

Today, I found out I do not have a fast metabolism, I've actually had a tape worm living inside me for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 317

You deserved it 3 704

Iskylite tells us more.

Iskylite 6

Wednesday 11 September 2013 16:30

the doctor said it could've lived inside me for 30 years. I'm glad they got it out :) and yes I'm feeling much better :)

Do not pass Go

By andjusticeforall - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 305

You deserved it 4 561

By robbed - 03/09/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 292

You deserved it 24 356

By Good Luck Chuck - 29/04/2013 17:07 - United States - Orlando

Today, my former fiancée, who I stopped seeing 5 months ago, married another guy. She wore the dress that I'd purchased for our would-be wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 289

You deserved it 5 707

Performance anxiety

By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 286

You deserved it 11 239

By meyo555 - 02/06/2011 09:45 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 284

You deserved it 4 785

By datgirl92 - 24/05/2013 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 282

You deserved it 19 682

By Skyler - 24/04/2013 19:14 - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 268

You deserved it 14 340

By BassGuy - 18/05/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 267

You deserved it 4 795

By wow - 27/05/2013 16:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out that my husband of 12 years has been sleeping with my best friend of even longer for who knows how long. She actually tried to turn it around on me and implied that it was my fault for finding out about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 266

You deserved it 3 814

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 253

You deserved it 4 345

Chance encounter

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 251

You deserved it 3 580

By Who1s269 - 03/05/2013 12:13 - United States

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 247

You deserved it 8 412

By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - 08/06/2013 00:16 - United States - Everett

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 208

You deserved it 4 880

By Saradee - 24/12/2012 04:55 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 200

You deserved it 10 966

By Anonymous - 16/06/2014 15:24 - Germany

Today, I was trying on bikinis at a local store. When I put my pants back on, my foot got stuck, I tripped and fell through the curtain of the fitting room, topless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 186

You deserved it 8 830

By Anonymous - 07/05/2009 04:29 - Korea Republic of

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warned me that a pattern of damaged passports would result in longer processing periods, she spilled her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 184

You deserved it 2 385

By Anonymous - 11/09/2013 18:10 - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 178

You deserved it 10 071

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my husband threw a bitch-fit and made passive aggressive remarks throughout the entire day. What did I do? Call him out on commenting an eggplant, peach, and winky face emoji under a female friend’s picture. He deactivated all social media accounts and shouted, “Are you happy now? I can’t talk to anyone now!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 96

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I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 18

The Top

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 958

You deserved it 52 136

Today, I was trying to be polite by holding the door for an elderly lady in a shop. What I didn’t realise was that the doors were automatic. I ended up standing there awkwardly for a good 5 seconds, holding onto thin air, while she just smiled and walked by. A bloke behind me said, “The doors don’t need your help, mate.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 378

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend, and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 744

You deserved it 61 376

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 047

You deserved it 4 214

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 253

You deserved it 3 667

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 790

You deserved it 7 801