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By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 279

You deserved it 6 173

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 276

You deserved it 4 595

By anonymous - 08/01/2012 12:24 - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 272

You deserved it 4 963

By Anonymous - 28/05/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 271

You deserved it 3 444

By Anonymous - 05/08/2009 21:27 - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 246

You deserved it 4 660

The cable guy

By fmerunning - 29/06/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable, which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 245

You deserved it 3 478

By BornInTheWrongEra - 31/03/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, my neighbours came to yell at me as they could hear my "shit music" through my window during the afternoon, so I turned it off. They then began to play their definition of "quality music" into the late hours of the night. I was listening to the Beatles. They blasted Nicki Minaj. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 243

You deserved it 5 561

By justno - 29/06/2014 00:26 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 243

You deserved it 5 276

By Anonymous - 25/09/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 242

You deserved it 7 063

By meens42 - 30/09/2013 08:04 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 241

You deserved it 2 837

By Anonymous - 06/07/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 231

You deserved it 7 282

By woopwoop - 18/04/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that myself and the woman in front of me were wearing the same shirt. As she was about to leave, I said to her "Hey! I'm wearing that shirt!" She turned to me and replied, "Not in THIS size you aren't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 222

You deserved it 10 894

By freakedout - 11/04/2014 02:32 - United States - Louisa

Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She showed up drunk, grabbed my boobs, and asked if I'd ever had a lesbian experience. We both have husbands and kids; the kids were in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 222

You deserved it 5 695

By fatface - 13/04/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 222

You deserved it 3 783

By dwaggle - 02/07/2009 00:58 - United States

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 221

You deserved it 2 760

By Dirty_Mind_69 - 20/07/2013 08:35 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 220

You deserved it 9 936

By names suck and so do I - 08/08/2013 12:54 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 205

You deserved it 10 154

By alsayslegit - 25/05/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 202

You deserved it 21 481

By Anonymous - 03/04/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 198

You deserved it 14 816

So cute

By Anonymous - 23/02/2014 17:29 - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 195

You deserved it 7 621

By Anonymous - 30/06/2011 07:24 - Finland

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 193

You deserved it 5 246

Nervous Nelly

By Odnel - 27/07/2013 04:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 186

You deserved it 3 833

By chumman - 06/05/2014 13:55 - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 161

You deserved it 20 925

By whyeventry? - 02/08/2013 04:39 - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 156

You deserved it 12 722

By feistychick - 25/04/2009 13:31 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 144

You deserved it 2 771

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 19:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 139

You deserved it 4 524

By NotRetarded - 11/04/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 133

You deserved it 3 866

By Spawn_of_Satan - 27/03/2009 15:18 - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 132

You deserved it 7 427

By Alexman1985 - 01/05/2013 10:30

Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 124

You deserved it 4 992

By automaticfail_00 - 17/06/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 113

You deserved it 5 067

Keywords

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The Top

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 551

You deserved it 7 856

Today, I wanted to show my friends my cat’s “high-five” trick. I held out my hand, and instead of a high-five, my cat scratched and bit me instead. I yelped, and my friends burst into laughter. I had to bandage my hand, all whilst they joked about “cat training.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 375

The Top

Today, my stepson told his class that I beat his mommy. I did beat his mommy… in Pokémon. He left that detail out, and now his entire school is treating me like a monster. My wife thinks it's hilarious, and says it's her revenge for me winning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 98

Today, our cat died. My five-year-old tried to flush him down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 915

You deserved it 5 160

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 862

You deserved it 33 980

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been "single" on numerous occasions during our 9 month relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 044

You deserved it 3 596

Today, it was my birthday. I spent all day in bed, sick with the flu. My boyfriend then broke up with me by text, because he didn't want to risk getting sick by doing it in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 088

You deserved it 3 418

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 551

You deserved it 3 425