Love: To boldly go where no man has gone before - FML

To boldly go where no man has gone before

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Boston

Spicy

Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 082

You deserved it 6 013

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 03:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Spicy

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 784

You deserved it 71 816

Excuuuuuuse me?

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 13:32 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 443

You deserved it 11 495

By Anonymous - 19/04/2013 05:14 - Canada - Clairmont

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 897

You deserved it 10 259

Beam me up!

By saynotochrispine - 28/07/2009 04:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that we could try living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 301

You deserved it 7 947

By disney_dick - 08/01/2018 00:00 - United States - Mims

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 961

You deserved it 2 030

Gift of the gab

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 341

You deserved it 7 275

By SwAGkiLlS - 15/07/2012 15:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 942

You deserved it 5 071

Oh yeah?

By alexis89 - 26/05/2009 16:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 445

You deserved it 20 177

WAURGH

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 915

You deserved it 4 265

Acting is hard work

By S. Dub - 10/04/2020 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 924

You deserved it 301

Next

Top comments

isabelf 17

Thursday 28 August 2014 19:29

your boyfriend sounds like he has some very odd fetishes...

nhormuss 17

Thursday 28 August 2014 19:29

He's a keeper

Comments

anonymasesv2011 9

Sunday 14 September 2014 13:45

do not fear the Klingon ... as Yoda once said “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Solano2580 24

Friday 19 September 2014 4:36

Dump him

differentadi 13

Sunday 12 October 2014 17:00

Start studyin!

Starham1 14

Thursday 15 January 2015 15:20

This guy is dedicated to his fandom.

AndyKeselogano 8

Monday 7 September 2015 19:30

If this stuff goes on more than once, I wouldn't take it.

Keywords

Work Geek Management Periods Health Dating Sexism Relationship advice Love Embarrassing Anxiety Relatable Restaurants Birthday Clothes Miscellaneous Shopping Cleaning Awkward Haircut Family Mental health Neighbours Weird Doctor Kids Parenting Christmas My ex Social Media

The Top

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her Twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 645

You deserved it 3 028

Today, I went in to my local cafe for my morning coffee. I was chatting to the barista as she was making it, and I mentioned that I was starting a new diet. She goes, "Oh that's great! I've been sneaking skimmed milk in your coffee for years, I didn't want to say anything…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 132

You deserved it 5 885

The Top

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 507

You deserved it 4 266

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 1 654

Today, I found out why a boy I like has been ignoring me since we went out for drinks the other night. I accidentally got too drunk and remember nothing except that I decided to play on my phone for awhile. The next day he wouldn't even talk to me and when I asked why, he told me that I had drunkenly revealed to him that I had multiple crushes, all of their names, and had showed him all of my conversations with them on WhatsApp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 348

You deserved it 7 402

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he got up and said he needed to go home because he was tired and just wanted to relax and watch TV. That's what we were doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 032

You deserved it 4 356

Today, I was watching a beautiful flock of birds flying overhead while walking in the street. The guy next to me was lucky enough to catch bird poop with his forehead. I was lucky enough to get distracted by it, trip, and break my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 376

You deserved it 1 109

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 263