I was masturbating with a cucumber when it suddenly broke so...

This is a Nearly FML. It’s an FML, nearly. It got positive votes from the users, by wasn’t approved by our team.

By Susan - 10/11/2017 14:36

I was masturbating with a cucumber when it suddenly broke so I had to push it out... Basically, I gave birth to a piece of cucumber...

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 72

New Year, New Blunders
Celebrate the New Year with stories of resolutions broken in less than 24 hours and memorable New Year's Eves... for all the wrong reasons! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Top comments

Mynxie 26

Sunday 12 November 2017 7:43

Just got a *****. Fewer risks of it breaking and you can use it a lot more than food. And do people actually do that? Use food to **********?

Akitakat 31

Monday 13 November 2017 15:30

Congratulations... but if you want to compare it to a real birth, use a watermelon! ;)

Comments

Mynxie 26

Sunday 12 November 2017 7:43

Just got a *****. Fewer risks of it breaking and you can use it a lot more than food. And do people actually do that? Use food to **********?

Akitakat 31

Monday 13 November 2017 15:30

Congratulations... but if you want to compare it to a real birth, use a watermelon! ;)

Keywords

Miscellaneous Embarrassing Christmas Work Cute Am I overreacting? Holidays Cats Gifts Awkward Shopping Health Friends Hair Relatable Poopoo peepee Money Education Animals Gross Cops Intimacy Sex Neighbours Love Smells Painful First Dates Social Media Grieving

The Top

Today, I found out that my sister is one of those people who thought that "Obamacare" and "The Affordable Care Act" were two different things, and now my niece's health is no longer going to be covered due to upcoming cutbacks. Guess who my sister voted for? FML

I agree, your life sucks 483

You deserved it 144

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 030

You deserved it 3 408

The Top

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 157

You deserved it 3 372

Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 110

You deserved it 10 479

Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 132

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125 825

You deserved it 16 863

Today, I got fired because I was “constantly sick”. Constantly in this case meaning: the one time the entire office had Covid, including myself, plus 4 single days in a whole year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 271

You deserved it 160

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 836

You deserved it 2 623