Cats, Wanker and Intimacy: Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and...

By stanDman - 19/01/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 430

You deserved it 10 468

Father's Day: Daddy Chicken or Daddy Wet Hen?
Stories of extraordinary fathers, sometimes awkward but always hilarious. A family read! More…

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Same thing different taste

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 930

You deserved it 7 319

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 370

You deserved it 4 162

Nuts

By Almost neutered - 02/07/2023 23:00 - United States

Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598

You deserved it 130

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 325

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 130

You deserved it 474

By ambushcat - 06/07/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 507

You deserved it 28 622

Never disrespect the cat

By Rafiki - 22/02/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 278

You deserved it 31 804

By good husband - 30/04/2013 16:03 - Canada

Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 842

You deserved it 4 613

Poor little guy

By anonymous - 16/09/2022 02:30 - United States - Maryville

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 116

By footscratching - 28/01/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 562

You deserved it 4 485

MLK12345 4

Friday 10 December 2010 22:51

????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 16:19

LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?

Comments

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 16:19

LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?

00yoda4 0

Sunday 20 June 2010 17:41

WTF you're 3rd WTF's up with 5

MLK12345 4

Friday 10 December 2010 22:51

????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?

jacetopia96 1

Tuesday 11 January 2011 8:25

what does this meeeannn????

Xylus 0

Monday 16 May 2011 7:53

TIME PARADOX! *universe explodes*

n_clark57 0

Monday 16 February 2009 20:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

friedpwnadge 25

Saturday 5 January 2013 7:04

I guess he got lucky, there was a pussy on his dick even before he finished.

Aero_x 21

Saturday 10 May 2014 1:31

ok, wtf?!

y3y 0

Monday 23 February 2009 5:51

XD #10

genericnickname 0

Friday 27 February 2009 22:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

djskype 0

Monday 2 March 2009 0:38

we learn from our mistakes

silentfirefly 0

Monday 2 March 2009 7:24

That's pretty hilarious. Must have made sex impossibly painful for a while...

Cullens4Love 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:09

im sorry, but thats ****** hilarious. and, you have one friggen evil cat.

mizled 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 9:25

XD awesome #10

CDub7888 0

Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:34

Ouch. But they say that chicks dig scars.

JapanMetalFan170 16

Saturday 16 April 2011 21:50

We do ;)

harshallmeim69 9

Sunday 12 January 2014 6:26

if you were a REAL metal fan you would know that the flaming guitar in your picture I'd a hollow body, which feedback like crazy if you add any sort of gain, therefore not being practical in a METAL situation