The Top

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Le epic bacon

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 247

You deserved it 50 708

By obsessed - 27/11/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 242

You deserved it 89 662

Meat is murder

By lanbon182 - 10/04/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

I agree, your life sucks 251 769

You deserved it 31 278

By hedgehog5 - 11/04/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186 857

You deserved it 9 831

Road rage gone feral

By 16590 - 15/06/2012 22:13 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 328

You deserved it 4 845

By Anonymous - 06/06/2011 23:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 953

You deserved it 60 860

By ughno - 21/02/2010 19:50 - United States

Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 835

You deserved it 3 366

ughno tells us more.

ughno 0

Monday 22 February 2010 5:36

wow this has just turned into a bug argument over who's state it better hahaha

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 20:00 - Canada

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 971

You deserved it 7 327

By omg - 25/03/2011 00:43 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my 8 year old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 607

You deserved it 8 703

By Ouch - 12/08/2009 23:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 743

You deserved it 22 635

By doesnttastegood - 01/02/2010 10:23 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 120 625

You deserved it 13 956

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169 376

You deserved it 11 009

Thievery

By ExtemelyBroke - 06/06/2009 02:24 - United States

Today, I checked my bank account that I've been saving money in since I was a kid for college. I have $100 left out of the $10,000 I had last month. Apparently my parents thought buying a pool and an HDTV for themselves was more important than my college education. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131 710

You deserved it 6 452

Caught in the act

By urmommmm - 22/08/2009 16:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year-olds do at midnight? FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 331

You deserved it 25 399

BREAKING NEWS

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:17 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 172

You deserved it 3 634

By MgmEboy - 19/09/2009 21:36 - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 320

You deserved it 268 826

By canucks_chick - 23/10/2011 05:45 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 634

You deserved it 21 039

By tarini - 27/05/2009 20:12 - Bangladesh

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 741

You deserved it 122 059

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 566

You deserved it 84 208

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 19:09

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 276

You deserved it 56 418

By fffmmll - 21/03/2011 16:58 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 971

You deserved it 56 238

By fmlguy - 10/12/2010 03:19

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 258

You deserved it 86 239

By drsyl54 - 28/03/2010 09:04 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I got dumped because I was on my period. Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like, every single month." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 861

You deserved it 8 418

duker01 tells us more.

duker01 0

Monday 29 March 2010 2:26

Just to answer a few questions... He's 18. I'm almost certain it was about the sex- I don't mind when I'm light, but at the start the cramps are unbearable, so no sex, not oral either. And he's just ignorant- he's actually a very intelligent person. This is the OP btw, not sure if the name will come up the same.

Blast from the past

By fat_thighs - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I read a PostSecret that said, "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 920

You deserved it 11 952

By maryrain - 11/08/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, was the first day of my sophomore year. While receiving my schedule, I burst into tears at the sight of a disfigured midget. I'm now seen as the school bitch for making fun of a midget. I have a genuine fear of midgets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 577

You deserved it 45 002

maryrain tells us more.

maryrain 0

Friday 12 August 2011 0:12

I'm not saying that all midgets are disfigured. what I meant was that that particular person has an actual disfigured face. And yes, I do have a legitimate reason for my fear. I don't feel inclined to share that reason because then all of the people who already believe I was being an ass will still not agree with me. the last thing I wanted to do was hurt/insult her.

By Unsanitary - 26/06/2011 10:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 434

You deserved it 11 048

By Jeweler - 26/06/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 624

You deserved it 43 687

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 23:35 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 784

You deserved it 12 446

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 11:10 - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 148

You deserved it 30 560

Don't mess with gamers

By bbedlock - 16/04/2011 12:35 - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 639

You deserved it 19 265

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I have accidentally encountered my parents having "sexy time" four times in the past week. I'm an adult. My parents are in their fifties. Their bedroom door doesn't fully shut, so I always get an unpleasant glimpse when I walk past, occasionally punctuated by my mom's pleasured moaning. Kill me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 605

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 334

You deserved it 3 581

The Top

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 636

You deserved it 6 188

Today, I dislocated my toe while putting on my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 926

You deserved it 5 375

Today, I was a little grumpy. I tried my best to not take it out on other people, but then I encountered that ONE person who doesn't realize that sometimes people are just in a bad mood, and they proceed to give you a hard time over nothing. That person was my mom. And then later my dad. Now I'm grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 581

You deserved it 311

Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 684

You deserved it 82 612

Today, I reached my exam center late after taking the wrong metro twice, only to find out that I forgot my calculator at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 378

You deserved it 1 174

Today, I accidentally slipped on a wet floor at my local mall after copious amounts of snow. There was no sign. I accidentally hit a lady trying to help me when falling backwards and gave her a bloody nose. I am now banned from the mall for two weeks and told I was lucky she didn’t press charges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 888