Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling...

By Married Life 101 - 16/05/2019 02:41

Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 550

You deserved it 238

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Same thing different taste

That was quick

By Anonymous - 09/09/2012 12:03 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 563

You deserved it 6 831

Parenting is exhausting

By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - 28/12/2015 05:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, our daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid-blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 362

You deserved it 2 906

Just once

By Anonymous - 19/02/2020 20:00

Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 200

By turnoff - 17/09/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 356

You deserved it 15 149

I'm horny, horny horny horny

By Anonymous - 08/07/2022 12:00

Today, I got home horny as all ready to jump my husband, until I saw him asleep in his armchair with his gut hanging out his belt, his dinner down his vest, no pants on, and scratching his balls in his sleep. I’m no longer horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 368

You deserved it 363

Sexy time

By yuckmouth! - 28/11/2022 10:00

Today, having been in a bit of a dry spell, my husband woke up feeling frisky. I was feeling it too, but I asked if he could get up and brush his teeth as I’d already brushed mine and wanted to have some fun. Instead, he stormed off, insisting I'd ruined the mood. Sorry but morning breath is gross. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 617

Nostalgia

By Anonymous - 06/03/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my husband that I missed how exciting it was when we were dating, so he pretended to sneak into my room through the window, we had sex, then fell asleep. All very exciting. Then the bastard actually snuck out while I was still asleep, and didn’t call me all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 183

You deserved it 560

By Canali18 - 17/09/2016 14:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 421

You deserved it 1 128

By Inkabadger - 20/11/2009 18:41 - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 110

You deserved it 4 091

By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 332

You deserved it 19 975

bewareimaninja 5

Thursday 16 May 2019 3:04

Hey at least your husband gets you hot and ready to go

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 16 May 2019 5:12

How long does it take you to “assume the position?” That’s too long.

Comments

bewareimaninja 5

Thursday 16 May 2019 3:04

Hey at least your husband gets you hot and ready to go

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 16 May 2019 5:12

How long does it take you to “assume the position?” That’s too long.

bloopaloop 27

Thursday 16 May 2019 5:19

You should get him back with a bj while he’s sleeping. That’ll show him!

Selene1090 26

Thursday 16 May 2019 13:50

...And not finish?

bloopaloop 27

Thursday 16 May 2019 15:31

Definitely finish him. That’ll teach him a lesson.

bl3ur0z3 17

Thursday 16 May 2019 7:54

I would seriously beat him

EmDizzle2007 28

Thursday 16 May 2019 20:19

that's funny.

jbuckets_404 38

Thursday 16 May 2019 20:24

Tonight you can return the "favor."

vampy719 17

Friday 17 May 2019 4:34

ive been there lol

leighmacj 11

Friday 17 May 2019 10:11

I’m sure you could have found a way to wake him up ;)

Paige Julianne 4

Tuesday 21 May 2019 4:10

I hate to admit this, but I did this once to my wife. Yeah, she was not pleased.

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The Top

Today, after I'd decided to give online dating another shot and I matched with someone who seemed interesting, during our actual date our conversation quickly devolved into a debate about whether pineapple belongs on pizza. I ended up blocking her after she sent me a thesis on the subject. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 408

Today, I realized my mom is a big hypocrite for telling me sex is wrong and sinful outside marriage, because I just worked out from their marriage certificate my mom must have been pregnant with me in college, and I was born after they’d only been married for four weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 461

You deserved it 185

The Top

Today, I got a phone call out of the blue from a young man, who screamed that he was going to kill me for sleeping with his fiancée. I told him I am a 49-year-old man who hasn't been laid since my wife passed away, four years ago. He stammered, shouted "Well she was a slut too" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 544

You deserved it 1 851

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 286

You deserved it 4 370

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 468

You deserved it 38 078

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 162

You deserved it 2 923

Today, as a respected artist, I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 457

You deserved it 16 353

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 501

You deserved it 3 285