Miscellaneous

Together forever

By Will - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 974

You deserved it 5 080

It's still a bop! It slaps!

By Please find a new song - 20/11/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, I was once again woken up to my dad blasting The Beatles' song "Birthday." He does this whenever it's anyone's birthday (in this case, my mom's) and he knows a lot of people. It was funny at first, but now it's getting old very quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 34

Not so smart

By Jilleanna Montana - 20/11/2024 07:00 - United States - Billings

Today, at 6 a.m. I rolled over in bed causing my smartwatch to vibrate with an alert that it had detected a hard fall. Ten seconds after I dismissed the alert, I heard a voice from my watch with the dreaded words, "911, what's your emergency?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 228

You deserved it 84

Always prepared

By Johnny Scizz - 20/11/2024 03:00 - United States - Bothell

Today, I went to test start my generator because there is a big wind storm coming in (a bomb cyclone according to the news). As I was pull-starting the generator, the rope broke. OK. Went to Home Depot to get a new rope and installed it. I broke the spring assembly installing the rope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 46

MY CHEESE!

By Anonymous - 19/11/2024 16:00 - United States - Tuckerton

Today, I went to work. All day, all I wanted to eat was my favorite cheese, which was waiting for me at home. I came home and someone had eaten it, then put the empty wrapper back in the fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 389

You deserved it 59

Some things never change…

By bastardchild_01 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after much reluctance due to fear of causing a huge debate, I finally posted something on Facebook about the presidential debates. However, the post sparked an argument with my mom's childhood best friend, that ended with her telling me that my dad isn't actually my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 537

You deserved it 3 884

While the cat's away…

By R…… - 19/11/2024 03:00 - United States - Edison

Today, I knew my wife and kid wouldn't be home until later, and I was excited to play video games and relax. The second I turned my computer on, the power went out. It came back on as my wife was pulling into the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 86

We the people are tired

By Voter - 18/11/2024 15:00 - Germany

Today, I live abroad, but I was born in the USA so I'm sick of people asking me who I voted for in the last election, all while looking at me weirdly and suspiciously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 102

Not much going on

By Anonymous - 18/11/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I told my mom a funny story, and she responded with, “Yeah, I saw it on your Instagram last week.” My life is now reduced to reruns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 326

Nervous laughing

By Anonymous - 18/11/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, my parents and I were looking for something using the TV's search bar. Despite never, ever watching anything resembling porn, one of the default search options was, "Hot female Asian sex videos." Thank God they have an excellent sense of humor, as they laughed their heads off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 73

Poor planning

By Anonymous - 18/11/2024 00:00 - Canada

Today, I was trying to be extra productive and washed all my clothes at once, including my bedding. I hung everything to dry and only realized too late that I had no dry sheets to sleep in. I ended up sleeping on a bare mattress, wrapped in a bath towel, like some kind of sad burrito. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 402

Lost

By Sam - 17/11/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, my mom was on the phone while we went grocery shopping. Apparently, her phone call was more important because she just left me stranded in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 71

K9 Unit

By Tim - 17/11/2024 03:00 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, some of my buddies were playing truth or dare. As I got to the group, one guy was dared to ding dong ditch. He did so, and the owner of the house let his big ol' dog out to chase us. It only ran after me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 488

BBUK 2024

By Pete - 17/11/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I had managed to avoid any mention of who won Big Brother because I couldn't watch it live, and I had planned to watch it on replay tonight. All was going to plan until my arsehole brother sent me a text that simply said, "Spoiler alert: Ali won." FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 173

Going down

By Rob - 15/11/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, I tried to strike up a conversation with someone in an elevator by commenting on the "beautiful view." We were in a windowless elevator, heading for the basement parking lot. I then had to try and appear less psychotic to avoid freaking them out even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 465

Arseholes

By Anonymous - 14/11/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, it was dad’s funeral and I intended to speak but I was crying so much I couldn’t finish and mom had to help me back to my seat. Unfortunately, most of our family are arseholes and I could hear someone saying, “Disgraceful, shaming his dad like that.” It was the worst day of my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 81

Crack wars

By Grimmy - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Brunswick

Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 120

You deserved it 10 132

Triggered

By Anonymous - 14/11/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell my partner that I was sexually harassed by another guy in high school. When I got to the point, she rolled her eyes, stopped me and said, "Why can't you just tell me something nice? I don't want to hear about it, it's triggering me." Well, thanks for your attention, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 101

It's all so quiet…

By Louis - 13/11/2024 22:00 - Australia

Today, I finally felt brave enough to sing karaoke in public. I was halfway through the song when the restaurant’s power went out, leaving me singing my heart out in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 331

You deserved it 94

Wandering soul

By Anonymous - 13/11/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I went on a scenic hike to clear my head and ended up lost for two hours. When I finally found my way back, I noticed the trail signs had big, bright arrows. How did I miss those? FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 353

Been there, done that

By Anonymous - 13/11/2024 03:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I confidently told a joke at a party, only to completely butcher the punchline. Everyone still laughed… at me instead of the joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 155

You deserved it 303

Oddly specific geographical complaint

By Anonymous - 12/11/2024 15:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I live in Vancouver, Washington where there is absolutely nothing to do for an adult on any day of the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129

You deserved it 398

Blush

By Anonymous - 12/11/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, I wore a new pair of white pants, feeling fancy. Halfway through the day, I discovered a ketchup stain that looked suspiciously like a heart right on the front. That explained why people kept giving me sympathetic nods as I walked by, probably thinking I'd spilled my heart on my sleeve… or my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 102

What would you do?

By Anonymous - 12/11/2024 20:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, I took a deep breath and started journaling to "figure out my life." Two hours later, I had written four pages of ranting about my upstairs neighbor's loud footsteps and zero pages about my life goals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 298

There's a time and a place

By Anonymous - 11/11/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, we are having work done and our chimney breast has a hole where a brick is missing. Well, my husband thought it would be funny to rig up some realistic spider leg things that would poke out of the hole next to my face. I had to wash the sofa cushion because I pissed myself from fright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 97

Procrastinating my life away

By Beatrix - 11/11/2024 22:00 - Canada

Today, I tried to be productive and got dressed in real clothes instead of sweatpants. I spent the next four hours on the couch binge-watching Netflix and pretending I had plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 118

You deserved it 364

Freestyle

By Anonymous - 11/11/2024 12:00 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I'd practiced for a slam poetry night all day. When I got up on stage, I forgot all of it and, for some reason, and my brain refused to improvise around my planned themes, so I launched into a totally unrelated rant about how confusing microwaves are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307

You deserved it 196

Fake it til you make it

By Anonymous - 10/11/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to sound like I had my life together by bragging to a friend about how I meal prep every week. In reality, I’m sitting here eating a cold slice of pizza for lunch that I found in the back of my fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 526

Get me out of this time loop!

By Anonymous - 10/11/2024 03:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I ran into an old friend at the grocery store and told them, "Let’s catch up soon!" We then ran into each other in every single aisle. It got awkwarder and awkwarder, and by the fifth time I was pretty sure neither of us wanted to see the other ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 131

Emotional

By Shellz - 09/11/2024 22:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my mom sent me a text that said "You're my favorite!" and I got all emotional. Then I realized she'd accidentally sent it to our family group chat. My siblings were furious, and she tried to backtrack by calling all of us her "favorites." FML

I agree, your life sucks 337

You deserved it 97

Keywords

Awkward Embarrassing Miscellaneous Work Sleep Dating Love Am I overreacting? Annoying Parents Health Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Public freakouts Fight Cops Drugs Neighbours Medication Relatable Dogs Animals Teenagers Gamers Ironic Video games Job interview

The Top

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 572

You deserved it 6 603

Today, my girlfriend’s mom just got engaged to her boyfriend and he claimed it was me that inspired him to ask her. My girlfriend hates him, so to say I’m in the doghouse is an understatement, I’m lucky to still be in the garden, never mind the doghouse, and I have no idea what I did to inspire him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 62

The Top

Today, after having a fight with my BFF, she invited me to come along to a party. I found out later that she'd only invited me so that when returning from the event, we could take a taxi and split the cost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 110

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 398

You deserved it 10 168

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 217

You deserved it 4 783

Today, fed up with my nerdy appearance, I got my hair shaved off, hoping for a Walter White kind of look. I didn't think it was too bad, but not even an hour later, I'd already been called a "fat Bruce Willis" and compared to a freshly circumcised penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 046

You deserved it 8 085

Today, I'm 21 and my parents expect me to get married before moving in with my boyfriend. We want to move overseas for our careers before marrying, but my parents think that “if that’s how things are going to be, then it’s best you break up. You need to uphold to our traditions.” I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 233

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 956

You deserved it 5 299