Health

Help wanted…

By lexithepirate - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 253

You deserved it 2 864

Worst babysitter ever

By Anonymous - 15/10/2024 00:00 - United States - Memphis

Today, I tripped over a laundry basket while carrying my baby niece. Don’t worry, I threw her onto the couch safely. I, however, face-planted into the coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 399

You deserved it 90

How on Earth…?

By Ouch - 14/10/2024 05:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I cut my finger trying to open a door. Yes, I am just as confused as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 70

Off the charts

By BigHelp - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 290

You deserved it 4 613

The squits

By Cliff - 11/10/2024 00:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I got food poisoning from a restaurant that I had chosen for our company party. Everyone who went blamed me for their predicament. I also had to run to the toilet every ten minutes while they were all mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 91

Drill baby drill

By anon - 09/10/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, my dentist told me I have 8 cavities. I'd jokingly bragged about never having a single cavity for 25 years right before he started checking. He laughed and said, "Well, that lucky streak is over!" then went on to drill the shit out of my teeth. I still can't feel the left side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 153

Sightseeing

By Anonymous - 08/10/2024 16:00 - France - Paris

Today, it's been five days since I finally made it to my dream vacation destination, after months of planning, saving, and dreaming. I got food poisoning within hours of arriving and I've spent the last five days in my hotel room, staring at a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 78

Be careful what you wish for

By Anonymous - 06/10/2024 16:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, after I quit a career job in my 30s for job in natural medicine, 100s of thousands in student debt, it's not as lucrative as I thought. No health insurance, savings, or pension. My midlife friends are on autopilot to retiring. I'm just praying I don't get sick so I can work until my 80s and die. Apparently not the best choice, and sucks to think about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151

You deserved it 693

Lucid

By Man Shamed - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 702

You deserved it 1 258

Say it, don't spray it

By Anonymous - 05/10/2024 06:00 - United States - Warren

Today, as I was trying to get into the grocery store, I had a sneezing fit. I've typically never had one, so I didn't really know how to handle it. This one was a new record: 11 sneezes and I hadn't had the foresight to bring tissues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 88

Snowflake

By Bullocks - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not with any of the sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 571

You deserved it 4 535

Gassy day

By Anonymous - 02/10/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I ate two Fiber One bars for breakfast and now I can’t stop farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 392

A bit lax

By shitty situation - 02/10/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I shit my pants. I don’t even remember trusting a fart. As in, it literally just fell out of my ass. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 97

Thanks, I hate it!

By Anonymous - 02/10/2024 16:00 - Germany - Buchholz in der Nordheide

Today, after supporting my man during his year of unemployment and job searching, he came home from his first week at his new job. He brought me a little gift: The flu, courtesy of his new workplace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 110

He who controls the spice controls the universe

By Anonymous - 01/10/2024 16:00 - United States

Today, I was at a food truck festival and I spotted a taco truck and eagerly ordered a spicy taco. As I took my first bite, the spice hit me like a freight train and I began to choke. In an effort to save myself, I dropped the taco into the lap of the guy sitting next to me. He looked up, lap splattered in salsa, and asked if I was having a stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 521

Cold turkey

By Wishliar - 30/09/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I started my cure from my opioid addiction. My whole body is so sore, I'm lying in bed and I'm still hurting to the point that I cried half the day, and nothing will make me feel any better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 191

PIVOT!

By D.M - 29/09/2024 06:00 - Canada

Today, while moving a couch and repeatedly asking my dad what he was trying to do and him ignoring me, I got my hand slammed between the corner of the couch and a doorway, because my dad shoved the couch without saying anything. I was holding the corner to stop it from falling on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 72

The good son

By Busted ears - 28/09/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, as I was taking care of my mom while my dad was at work, she fell asleep. This would be fine, except she has one of the worst cases of sleep apnea ever recorded. Her snores are so loud, they almost sound like gunshots. I can't leave her alone or block out the sound in case she stops breathing for too long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 79

Stumped

By Possibly a robot - 27/09/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I failed a CAPTCHA seven times before completing it. They didn't lie when they said they are making them harder. I don't think I'm a robot, but maybe I should get tested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 118

Pay me!

By Fat - 27/09/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, if I had a dollar for every person who told me that I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder because I'm overweight, I would have enough to pay for therapy to deal with my very real eating disorder and insecurities about my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 126

Amazing timing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 122

You deserved it 4 412

Eat to the beat

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 689

You deserved it 3 494

RIP

By Ehmed Ousmane - 25/09/2024 15:00 - Pakistan

Today, my therapist died from a heart attack, all while telling me not to stress over anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 79

With friends like these…

By Anonymous - 24/09/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, I found out this week that I have a growth in my head that could be cancer. I messaged my closest best friend the news straight away, but she has completely ignored my message. It's now been three days and I've not heard a word from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 503

You deserved it 65

Neighbours from hell

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Oakville

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 461

You deserved it 2 081

YouTubers being YouTubers

By moron - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a Taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a YouTube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 753

You deserved it 3 828

The first step is admitting it

By The_failure - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 008

You deserved it 834

Dizzy

By Anonymous - 20/09/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, I fainted in my bathroom, full on naked and sprawled out on my bathroom floor. When I came to, I was in pain from landing on my side and very disoriented. I sat up and could see my husband just roll over in bed and go to sleep. He didn’t even ask me if I was OK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 71

Once you pop…

By P…… - 19/09/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, not an hour after my girlfriend lectured me on boundaries and "my body, my rules", she threw an epic tantrum because I wouldn't let her pop a pimple on my ear. Apparently, only she gets to have boundaries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 90

Treasure hunt

By Klarissa - 18/09/2024 09:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I told my roommate that I was trying to lose weight, so she kindly removed all the junk food from the kitchen. I just found it all hidden under her bed. Apparently, she didn’t trust me enough to resist temptation, and she was absolutely correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 651

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The Top

Today, my colleague came back from vacation so I no longer have to do her job on top of mine. My bosses saw this as the perfect occasion to barge into my office every five minutes to hand me tasks. When I asked for a ten-minute break to do a task that needed concentration, they barged in again after five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 83

Today, I told my long-distance partner that I wanted to take them on a date to the aquarium next time they're in town. They said, "That would be my first date ever!" When I asked about when we went to the zoo and dinner last week, they said it was, "the closest thing to a date" they'd had. Apparently, we're actually just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 253

The Top

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 630

You deserved it 2 979

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 248

You deserved it 6 991

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 688

You deserved it 3 762

Today, I had to give a presentation on ancient civilizations. As a joke, my friend dared me to do the whole thing using puppets, which I thought it would be hilarious. Halfway through, I noticed the look on my professor's face and my classmates giggling. My professor has a phobia of puppets and I was the only one unaware of this fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 155

Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 044

You deserved it 4 402

Today, I received an email from my boss, with congratulations, announcing my promotion. I worked hard last year, so I was excited to hear this and replied with gratitude. He texted me and apologized for misunderstanding as this email was sent by mistake, and it was my coworker who actually got promoted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 88