Health

MAS*H theme song starts

By Anonymous - 18/04/2022 02:00

Today, while driving to work, I really took in the scenery. Not for the beauty, but for the practicality and access for the best place to commit suicide. I disregarded one place because it would be too hard to wash away the blood. At least when I'm suicidal, I'm thoughtful about it… FML

agreeclassic 1 029

vote type 1 208

Own it

By annie - 26/05/2021 10:57

Today, when I stepped on the scale this morning, I broke it. Now my family won’t stop making fun of me and calling me names like "chubby" and "fatso". The scale was really old and I weigh 110 pounds. FML

agreeclassic 1 511

vote type 1 244

The Dark Knight

By Boyufd - 30/07/2020 23:01

Today, I noticed my acne scars are almost forming the Batman symbol. FML

agreeclassic 1 257

vote type 1 159

If I fits, I sits

By fatlady - 07/03/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to the park. I bet my friend I could fit into the swing that was sized for toddlers. I managed to fit in, but I couldn't get out. My friend had to call 911 to get me out. When they finally did, the fireman told me that fat ladies shouldn't try stuff like that. FML

agreeclassic 10 007

vote type 1 39 431

DIABEETUS

By Diabeetus - 21/08/2022 09:00 - United States

Today, after finding out that my mom is diabetic last year in November, this July a good friend of mine died from diabetes. I also found out that my dad is diabetic, as well as my grandma. It would appear that Wilford Brimley hates my guts. FML

agreeclassic 731

vote type 1 130

By Anonymous - 06/01/2012 10:27 - United States

Today, I broke my arm, and posted a picture of my X-ray on Facebook to show everyone how bad the break is. Nobody even asked me if I was OK. FML

agreeclassic 17 874

vote type 1 39 510

By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - 24/08/2012 04:08 - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

agreeclassic 38 236

vote type 1 1 993

Pudding?

By Cake - 12/01/2023 14:00

Today, my mom made my favorite dessert, a pudding. For some reason, she decided to put strawberries in it. She knows I’m allergic to strawberries. She said, “Stop bitching. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it then. Problem solved.” FML

agreeclassic 917

vote type 1 158

By fatflabbyfail - 20/02/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

agreeclassic 10 161

vote type 1 42 341

Speeding

By Anonymous - 28/02/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, after I started to use a weight tracker to keep track of how much weight I lost since I started to diet due to my horrific cholesterol levels, I was happy that I lost three and a half pounds in three days. However, my online weight tracker then gave me a warning that I'm losing weight too quickly. That's a thing? FML

agreeclassic 326

vote type 1 113

AC/DC

By Anonymous - 14/04/2022 16:00

Today, my son still sticks his fingers in plug sockets, cuts charging cables for devices, licks batteries and so on, because he enjoys the electric shocks, he thinks they are funny so I can’t even trust him when he sleeps at night, in case he wakes up while we’re asleep and does something stupid. FML

agreeclassic 1 169

vote type 1 211

By yuhan - 22/07/2018 19:00

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

agreeclassic 3 900

vote type 1 545

By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 06:00

Today, I moved back to a small town after 4 years in the city. I was looking forward to getting away from the light pollution until I woke up in the middle of the night, peered into the pitch black void above my head, and had a panic attack. I need a night light at 23. FML

agreeclassic 3 948

vote type 1 912

Deviated septum blues

By Trent - 19/03/2025 22:00 - United States

Today, I had a nosebleed at work after having recent surgery. As I was walking to the bathroom, I tripped and fell, sending blood splattering everywhere. My manager, who was walking by, looked at me and said, “You’re really committed to the bit.” I was too embarrassed to respond. FML

agreeclassic 401

vote type 1 69

By Anonymous - 20/07/2017 23:00 - United States - Dover

Today, an Asian man approached me and called me pretty. I thanked him and he asked if I'm Chinese. When I said, "No, I'm Taiwanese" he promptly spat in my face and called me a "traitor to the motherland." FML

agreeclassic 6 172

vote type 1 531

Pushing it too far

By Anonymous - 30/04/2025 13:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized I might have some issues. After some amazing, satisfying rough sex, I started having incredible pain. I went to the hospital and discovered I'd asked him to beat me so hard that he'd cracked a rib. FML

agreeclassic 159

vote type 1 563

How can I put this…?

By It's a foot long - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Spicy

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

agreeclassic 3 662

vote type 1 494

The situation

By Anonymous - 13/09/2023 14:00 - Netherlands - Katwijk aan Zee

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my situationship when he dropped the bomb that he wanted to break up, and that he'd tested positive for chlamydia. FML

agreeclassic 524

vote type 1 200

Stay at home

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 10:58

Today, I saw the coronavirus news this morning, all about the new variant. I've been working 100% remotely for past year and a half. Here we fucking go again. FML

agreeclassic 969

vote type 1 198

By wearyconsumer - 23/12/2016 05:29

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

agreeclassic 8 531

vote type 1 1 134

By ihateeverything - 30/01/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, the dentist had to give me a lot of novacaine because my mouth wasn't becoming numb. After the 4th time the entire right side of my mouth was numb, except for the 2 teeth getting worked on. FML

agreeclassic 31 416

vote type 1 1 881

By cray12 - 20/10/2014 08:00 - United States

Today, while doing physical therapy exercises for my broken leg, I managed to throw my back out. Now I can neither walk nor sit up. FML

agreeclassic 33 108

vote type 1 2 861

cray12 app_comment_confession_title

cray12 8

Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:36

Thanks for making me laugh with some of these comments. The back thing is an old injury that flairs up every so often for a few days, it just had terrible timing. As for the leg....well it's getting better pretty quickly (is 2 months quick for a broken bone?) thanks to my physical therapist and an awesome surgeon that pieced my broken tibia together. Now I just have to learn my lesson and not get on an ATV that my brother is driving ever again. But on the bright side I get to laugh at all the FML's and get a couple of months off of work.

Bad hair day

By Kyrstin Budd - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

agreeclassic 4 312

vote type 1 625

By Vince - 22/02/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

agreeclassic 61 019

vote type 1 4 449

Scammers

By insurance lies - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to get an MRI. I double and triple checked to make sure there was no out-of-pocket cost. When I arrived at the testing center, I was expected to pay full price for the test. It costs $2,360. FML

agreeclassic 50 030

vote type 1 4 001

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 22:28 - United States - Columbus

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

agreeclassic 12 790

vote type 1 934

By unojo08 - 01/10/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I decided to fix my bike and take it for a test ride. Five minutes in, a bee flew into my eye and stung me. In pain, I thought it would be best to go home. I turned around to find a big pitbull running towards me. The dog chased me for a mile before giving up. FML

agreeclassic 35 531

vote type 1 3 538

unojo08 app_comment_confession_title

unojo08 0

Saturday 2 October 2010 8:38

Thank you for your opinion, but I never said that I was attacked by the dog, I just said that I had been chased by him. I live in a part of town where its a little bit ghetto, and I didn't want to take the chance that the dog may or not be friendly, seeing as how it was chasing me. For your further information, my sister has a pit bull and it is a very loving dog that wouldnt hurt a fly. So before you cast judgement on someone for telling it how it is, please get your facts straight.

By danman - 14/04/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

agreeclassic 46 704

vote type 1 4 247

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 02:00

Today, my son tripped into a door and slammed it shut. I'd been holding onto the door frame, leaning around to talk to a neighbour, so of course it slammed my fingers. It must be a really sharp door, because I just woke from the surgery to reattach my three amputated fingers. FML

agreeclassic 1 512

vote type 1 138

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Keywords

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Today, I aced a job interview with my favourite start up. I really want to work there, but with my baby and toddler, chores, and general lack of support system, I can't pursue my dream job. Which I would screw up heavily from fatigue even if I did. FML

agreeclassic 766

vote type 1 326

Today, I thought one of my flatmates was beating his girlfriend, so I barged in about to stop him. Turned out they were having really rough sex. FML

agreeclassic 39 702

vote type 1 10 350

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

agreeclassic 2 418

vote type 1 2 045

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

agreeclassic 4 440

vote type 1 2 494

Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML

agreeclassic 9 426

vote type 1 45 616

Today, my girlfriend has two speeds in bed: so slow that it’s just not exciting for me, or so hard and fast, I can’t physically keep up and it starts to hurt. We’ve discussed our different needs a bunch, but so we’ve had sex every night this week and I only orgasmed once, masturbating in the shower. FML

agreeclassic 1 192

vote type 1 282