Hilarious ******* hilarious

That's pretty damn funny OP. At least you have a cute puppy. To help train your puppy, you want to take them out hourly and when she goes use let's of praise and treats to reinforce this positive behavior. Also crate training helps when you put them up for the night since they don't want their waste anywhere near them. Had to help train a friend's puppy when she was staying with me. Luckily, I have an older dog and that really helps with showing a puppy what to do and where to go. Still praised the puppy when she went outside after following my dog around the yard and watching where my dog went to the bathroom and wel, monkey see, monkey do. I would suggest as well, if you know anyone with an older dog and see you guys can get together with your pets and they your puppy not only learns a bit. it also gets to socialize.

That really sucks, but YDI for eating dairy. Why not start trying dairy-free alternatives? There are TONS out there now; if you shop around, you're bound to find ones you like. Plus, tastebuds adapt, so don't give up if you don't like them right away. For some motivation, check out Forks Over Knives :)

Your dog can unload on command? That might be handy in the future...

I know the pain, but use this to your advantage. go out and bring treats, then when you fart and the puppy poops, give her a treat and tell her good girl. keep doing that and she'll learn. lol

Start only farting next to the area you want it to poop

How about at least it's not explosive diarrhea XD

He is trying to train you to control your arse too.

you should try crate training. it helps SO much with housetraining.

Being serious here, stick her nose in it. We have done that with every dog that has pottied where they shouldn't and they learn.