Strange metric - FML

Strange metric

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 01:57 - United States

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 1 532

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

By fat and alone - 05/06/2014 04:11 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 202

You deserved it 18 119

By brokenface - 15/09/2015 21:48 - United States - Notre Dame

Today, I finally kicked my awful nail-biting habit. All it took was a fractured jaw. I haven't been able to chew anything for two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 673

You deserved it 2 647

Spice

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 04:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 442

You deserved it 977

Irony at a base level

By SterlingEnigma - 25/09/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 345

You deserved it 7 383

By fat - 12/07/2010 07:52 - United States

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 189

You deserved it 50 252

By Anonymous - 10/03/2010 20:53 - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 431

You deserved it 61 488

Don't attempt this

By jammy - 25/06/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, after I completely starved myself for a week and exercised every day in an attempt to lose weight, I instead gained 5 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 263

By daydreamer - 29/07/2012 05:12 - United States - Wilton

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 169

You deserved it 29 301

By Username - 03/05/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 228

You deserved it 34 438

Great idea

By dumbbb - 27/12/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 264

You deserved it 46 028

Next

Top comments

FMLMaximus 23

Tuesday 3 November 2020 2:33

why would you be trying to do that anyway? gross.

RichardPencil 30

Tuesday 3 November 2020 2:51

That's your motivation to lose weight? I've heard the motto, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." You'd refute that saying, "Toenails do!"

Comments

Morgan Meyer 4

Friday 6 November 2020 6:48

A step in a healthy direction is a step on the right path. Weather or not you have a strange addiction, becoming healthier will open up your mind and your possibilities. It doesn't matter why you take that first step...it just matters that you do. Good luck! Might I recommend Hybrid Calisthenics, great guy and very helpful videos :)

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The Top

Well. I must admit when I first received today's illustration, seeing the massive pliers pop out kind of freaked me out. Then I reached the last panel and I'm not sure if it's out of anxiety relief or what, but I laughed so hard I might have choked a...

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, while at the restaurant I work at, a bunch of kids came in. They all gave incredibly complex orders, laughed at everything I did, and made a huge mess by "spilling" hot sauce and water all over the floor. After they left, I was tipped eleven cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 305

You deserved it 3 562

The Top

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 273

You deserved it 5 165

Today, in the middle of a pandemic, which has made it impossible for me to get a job for the last 4 months, my landlord has decided the one thing I need is a rental increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 807

You deserved it 212

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 2 769

If you ever come to a point in your life where you begin to think your fear of spiders is ridiculous, remember there are people out there who are afraid of butterflies.

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 223

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 086

You deserved it 7 166

Today, I learned to never eat chicken wings, loaded mashed potatoes with sour cream, cheese, bacon, ranch, and bubbly soda prior to a esthetician appointment. I had uncontrollable gas and made the most foul smelling farts in her face while she was trying to wax my butthole. I was asked to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 257

You deserved it 2 205