My thoughts exactly. There's a way to announce things, and that's certainly not a respectful way of doing it.

So if the son got into his dream college and told everyone by wearing their t-shirt to the reunion, that would be disrespectful? The only reason people see the coming out scenario as disrespectful is because of the assumption that coming out to your family is like delivering bad news, which it shouldn't be. A truly supportive family would have celebrated with him.

You would celebrate a 'I got into Yale' shirt, because doing so is an achievement. Being straight or homosexual isn't an achievement. And announcing one's sexuality at a big family function isn't really appropriate. Having a conversation with the family members you'd like to tell, however, is.

It's not that it's bad news but it is definitely hard news for a mother to take. All the dreams she had of her son getting married and giving her grandchildren are gone.. and even if she accepts him she has to worry about all the ridicule he is going to receive from people that don't love him as much as she does. A parent not wanting their child to be homosexual or having trouble accepting it is not always for selfish reasons.

Well...all her son has to do is move to Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine or New Hampshire and adopt a child, and there you go. Marriage and grandchildren. If it's hard for her to take, it's because she has problems with gay people. End of story.

thank you #94

#113 - I hate to say this, but no, it doesn't mean that she has a problem with it. Three of my best friends are either gay or bisexual, and I've never cared except that talking to them about relationships is a bit different than talking to a straight person (not because it's weird, but because women and men are different, whether you're gay or not). Yet if my son were gay, I would much, much prefer him to tell me and his immediate family first before going out and writing it on a shirt for everyone to see. Hell, I'd be annoyed at him if he went out with a 'I got in to Yale' shirt too, because bragging about something like that is damned rude, and is very much like saying 'I'm better than you!' The fact is you don't announce stuff like that through a T-shirt to those who matter to you. Period. You tell them face to face. Imagine wearing an 'I have cancer' T-Shirt to a party like that. Or an 'I'm engaged' T-shirt. Sure, being engaged is all well and good, but tell people out loud, don't make them read your chest to figure it out. Congrats to him for being gay and all, but have a bit more tact about it.

The point is parents usually have dreamed up this perfect life for their children full of everything they had, and everything they missed out on. A lot of times they can't see homosexuality fitting in with that perfect lifestyle, and it has nothing to do with them being homophobic. My bestfriend's parents were devastated when she got into FIT and decided to pursue photography. Is there anything embarrassing about getting accepted into a top art school? Hell no, but her parents wanted her to take the traditional college route and that didn't fit into their fairy tale ending for her.

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First of all, "getting into Yale" and "I'm gay!" are apples and oranges. One is a choice, and an accomplishment from years of hard work, one is a sexual orientation. They're just not the same. (I also think the "I have cancer." shirt is inappropriate, since that's a negative thing... and being gay should not be a negative.) But #113: No. You're wrong. It's always an adjustment when you have to change your expectations. That does not indicate homophobia, it's NORMAL. Parents assume their child will be the same as them... when they are not, there is some type of grieving process. If they have a disability, if they are gay, if WHATEVER. Their expectations have to change. (This doesn't mean they can't ALSO be intolerant of whatever the child is, but it doesn't have to mean that.) Any change is a loss. If the son is gay... yes, you have a new gay son, but the parents will grieve the straight son they thought they had. This is natural and for you to deny parents that or to label them homophobic for doing so is ignorant and offensive. Sorry... I'm a little passionate about this right now. Just had a conversation about me being gay with my dad.

Lexibro- But who made the rule that a perfect lifestyle can't include being gay? Heck, if she wanted to, a lesbian could still get herself a little house with a picket fence and be a stay-at-home mom like in the fifties. The only difference would be that she'd have a wife, not a husband, to support her. Whether or not you want to call it homophobic, you still have to call it closed-minded if parents think that a good life requires being heterosexual. And Apollo45- When you get into an Ivy League school, usually your family is proud of you and wants you to send them t-shirts of their own as Christmas presents. Sorry you have something against people who actually studied in high school. People who go to good colleges don't do it to make you feel bad about yourself; they do it because they have been working hard and aren't afraid to keep working hard. If you had worked that hard, you could have gone to a good school too. Seriously, get over it. Anyway, as I said before, with an open-minded family, coming out through a t-shirt would have been really funny. It's the family's fault that they can't appreciate the kid's sense of humor. Yeah, maybe he should have mentioned it to his mom first, but I get the sense that the OP's son didn't tell her for a reason.

letitbe- I am not disagreeing with you. I am just looking at it from the eyes of a parent. If I chose to spend the rest of my life with my g/f I would like to think I have a chance at being completely happy and living the perfect life, but it is not always easy for people who live a different life to see that. The "perfect life" is subjective and people will never agree on what that is. I just don't think we should make a villain out of parents who only want what they consider to be the best for their kid.

Yeah. It's not that I don't understand how even well-meaning parents could be upset or confused by a child's being ****- or bisexual. I just strongly believe that we should all work towards a society where parents can accept and embrace a child's coming out without a second thought. And there are certain heteronormative myths that will need to be destroyed in order to accomplish that. I would really love to see the day when a gay couple and their adopted children can be seen by all as a family. I have a few close friends who are gay or bi who are really loving, wonderful people who are good with children and will be excellent parents. It makes me cry whenever another state passes a law against same-sex couples adopting, because they don't realize that they are depriving needy children of some of the best parents there are.

Don't get me wrong about the cancer thing - I wasn't saying that it was like being gay, I meant that it's just one of those things you don't wear a T-shirt announcing it to everyone about, you actually tell them. Important things you should actually tell people, through your mouth, not your shirt. Letitbe, I was accepted to Harvard (didn't want to go there, law school isn't my thing). I have no problems with people being accepted or going there. But it gets on my nerves when they walk around with a 'better than thou' attitude about it. It's for that very reason that I wouldn't want someone announcing that they go to Yale through a T-Shirt. Having a few shirts that say you go there after the fact is all well and good, but announcing it to everyone like that is rude. Imagine a kid walking around with his chest sticking out just so people can read that he is going to go to an Ivy League school. Of course, that has nothing to do with the OP's son being gay, it's just a clarification to my last reply. Now, there's also a very large difference between wearing a T-shirt and making an announcement at the table, ya know? If he had stood up and said he had something to announce, well, props to him there because that takes a ton of actual courage, where as throwing on a T-shirt... not so much. All in all, it was a bad way to go about doing it. And the OP doesn't sound like she was upset with him being gay, she sounded like she was upset with him announcing it in the way he did.

Apollo- I can definitely see how wearing random Ivy League gear in public to draw attention would be obnoxious. However, when I got accepted to my dream school, I called several of my family members to let them know--not to rub how awesome I was in their faces, but because I knew they'd want to share in my happiness and excitement. I think that would be the reason to wear a Yale/Harvard/Whatever shirt to the family picnic, and I see nothing wrong with that.