Sex, Painful and Intimacy: Life hacks

Life hacks

By Zibby - 11/02/2011 05:51

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 481

You deserved it 80 868

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Same thing different taste

By Toothy - 02/04/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 988

You deserved it 50 054

By sexyfail - 26/01/2010 08:59 - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 231

You deserved it 27 866

Nice outing

By Anonymous - 07/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 436

You deserved it 767

Time consumed

By unendowed - 18/03/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 417

You deserved it 11 700

By Surprisebuttsecks? - 07/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 312

You deserved it 7 414

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 571

You deserved it 84 232

User manual

By Drewzter - 11/01/2010 03:33 - United States

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 961

You deserved it 26 500

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 401

You deserved it 1 914

Hummmmm

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 120

You deserved it 10 533

Saucy

By ouchhhh - 20/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 595

You deserved it 630

robc32ca 4

Friday 11 February 2011 12:08

washing is a better option

Jimboom 11

Friday 11 February 2011 12:14

Ha ha. I bet you think the idea of spicing up your sex life constitutes putting curry power on your penis.

Comments

bearcats044 1

Thursday 7 July 2011 5:58

OK... That is like the stupidest thing I ever heard XD

ThisRandomChild 0

Tuesday 2 August 2011 19:47

Chocolate sauce? Yes. Caramel? Definitely. Icing? Of course! But toothpaste? Wtf rofl

arjun_peace 4

Monday 8 August 2011 19:27

Were you trying to brush her teeth? :P

m16agent 3

Sunday 14 August 2011 4:03

words cannot describe the stupidity

Fylminesawsome 5

Wednesday 16 November 2011 0:41

BURN!!!

ishtarfire1 0

Monday 21 November 2011 6:32

why don't you better put some bengay o

Kayla8795 2

Tuesday 31 January 2012 9:24

Today, I sucked my boyfriends dick and realised he put toothpaste on it. FML

iluvmusic8128 0

Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:11

oooh sooomenes getting a dutch oven tonight! lol

crazykid300 6

Monday 7 May 2012 7:16

Did u think about using a flavored condom

BrosephHarris 2

Tuesday 5 June 2012 12:41

Wow. Are you serious dude?

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The Top

Today, after the seventh morning in a row where my son threw a fit because he wanted to wear summer clothes, I put him in shorts and a tank top and put him outside. He got the message and changed into long sleeves and pants. Ten minutes later, cops pull up. My nosy neighbor called CPS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 549

You deserved it 88

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 787

You deserved it 22 727

The Top

Today I sent a message out to a support group to get and give support following a sexual assault, the person who responded and was giving advice was the person who assaulted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 773

You deserved it 192

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh." Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 759

You deserved it 4 466

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 29

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 939

You deserved it 3 588

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 458

You deserved it 2 360

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 120

You deserved it 65 065