Sex, Awkward and Wanker: MAI WAIF

MAI WAIF

By Anonymous - 13/07/2022 18:00

Today, I got a secondhand message from my mother to not jerk off so much. I know it’s secondhand because my wife says the same thing. They’re in cahoots and lie to one another: mom just wants grandkids, and my wife doesn’t want a smile on my face she didn’t put there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 522

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 203

You deserved it 56 645

Cut her off

By psychobunnycutie - 29/01/2021 14:02

Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 090

You deserved it 117

Caught in 404p

By Anonymous - 30/06/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 312

You deserved it 51 569

Realistic

By IBleedArbor - 16/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 301

You deserved it 5 027

Mommy issues

By Anonymous - 29/03/2023 00:00

Today, the older I get, the more I realise my mom has screwed up my ability to have sex. She used to beat me if she thought I was having impure thoughts, and though she died years ago, when I try to have sex with my girlfriend I hear mom's voice in my head and I go limp. I can’t even masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 154

By laughingflame - 04/08/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 164

You deserved it 12 922

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 336

You deserved it 36 291

Advice

By Anonymous - 21/01/2022 11:01

Today, my wife and I are having marital/intimacy issues. My 72 year-old mom basically told me to touch my wife, to hug her more, caress her lovingly, and pat her bottom, etc. Thanks mom, I'll grab her ass, that'll make it all better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 677

By for my brother in law - 27/07/2016 07:10 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 863

You deserved it 6 771

Prissy

By Anonymous - 29/07/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 582

You deserved it 7 282

Anderling 32

Wednesday 13 July 2022 20:13

If you’re miserable with your wife, just leave, honestly. Then you can block your mother everywhere and live in peace. It’s better to be happy alone than miserable together

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 14 July 2022 1:40

Of course the message is secondhand. We all know what you're doing with your firsthand.

Comments

Anderling 32

Wednesday 13 July 2022 20:13

If you’re miserable with your wife, just leave, honestly. Then you can block your mother everywhere and live in peace. It’s better to be happy alone than miserable together

Hangryko 29

Wednesday 13 July 2022 20:19

Tell them both to stop the mind games. Also, tell them if you even want kids.

diraven 15

Wednesday 13 July 2022 22:23

Make your wife jerk you off instead, problem solved.

Chazzster 28

Wednesday 13 July 2022 23:40

In many cases, by being the one to dispense sexual pleasure, your partner or spouse feels in control. If you ********** she feels “cheated” of that advantage. Frankly I think it’s a sign of a sick relationship for wife to bring a detail like that up to your mom.

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 14 July 2022 1:40

Of course the message is secondhand. We all know what you're doing with your firsthand.

xxWTFxx1981 23

Thursday 14 July 2022 3:33

I am with you I went through a dry spell with the wife and took up some personal time to make up for lack of intimacy. My wife got mad too so tell your wife what I told mines put up or shut up.

Marcella1016 31

Friday 15 July 2022 1:51

Jesus Christ I’ve read this FML twice in two days and both times I saw “secondhand massage” so you don’t jerk off too much. Fully expected it to go into “broken arms guy” Reddit story territory lol