Intimacy: Sweet talker

Sweet talker

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 22:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 077

You deserved it 7 263

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By notinterested - 13/09/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 372

You deserved it 5 445

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 885

You deserved it 9 239

By anne - 17/12/2011 03:46 - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 862

You deserved it 6 011

By milked - 27/02/2015 05:28 - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 421

You deserved it 6 868

Just once

By Anonymous - 19/02/2020 20:00

Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 974

You deserved it 201

A teaching moment

By Sensitive!!! - 24/08/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 210

You deserved it 286

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 59 089

Sexy talk

By hamburger - 06/07/2013 21:21 - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 309

You deserved it 8 506

Hmmmm…

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 542

You deserved it 5 289

By Sharibabi65 - 07/03/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 454

You deserved it 6 851

uoeno_fml 20

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:07

You should ****** him harder

Larry01_fml 19

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:05

sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want

Comments

rogerover 19

Saturday 28 December 2013 19:26

Try oral sex as foreplay.

DanielleinDC 33

Sunday 29 December 2013 20:48

He probably thinks "oral sex" means telling her that he's going to "penis" her so hard.

martin8337 35

Saturday 28 December 2013 20:01

I will penis her so hard as long as she ****** me just as hard. ;-)

brandoneyez1 25

Saturday 28 December 2013 20:52

I think you need to start the foreplay and have him follow. If he still doesn't grasp it... You can add **** to the mix to inspire him.

nickdunbar 8

Saturday 28 December 2013 21:28

I think #32 comment was a joke to a popular YouTube video

happyfingers 15

Saturday 28 December 2013 23:02

Hahahahaha Guess you should have been more specific. Sounds like he probably got his words a bit mixed up and was probably cringing inside a bit after that. But hey, either way, at least he tried!