Intimacy: Sweet talker

Sweet talker

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 22:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 085

You deserved it 7 266

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Same thing different taste

By notinterested - 13/09/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 376

You deserved it 5 447

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 890

You deserved it 9 242

By anne - 17/12/2011 03:46 - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 875

You deserved it 6 015

By milked - 27/02/2015 05:28 - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 431

You deserved it 6 871

Just once

By Anonymous - 19/02/2020 20:00

Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 981

You deserved it 204

A teaching moment

By Sensitive!!! - 24/08/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 215

You deserved it 288

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 59 102

Sexy talk

By hamburger - 06/07/2013 21:21 - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 314

You deserved it 8 508

Hmmmm…

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 549

You deserved it 5 292

By Sharibabi65 - 07/03/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 461

You deserved it 6 853

uoeno_fml 20

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:07

You should ****** him harder

Larry01_fml 19

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:05

sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want

Comments

Braveltoaster 6

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:11

Man I use penis as a verb pretty much constantly. I penis, you penis, he/she/it penises, we penis, you(pl) penis, they penis. Infinitive: to penis. Past tense: penised.

N3766 20

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:19

very A+ penis, so penis....

protoasha 11

Saturday 28 December 2013 15:55

I penis, you penis, he, she, we penis, penising, penisology, the study of penis...come on Spongebob, this is first grade!

trsshup 8

Saturday 28 December 2013 18:33

I penis this so much!

whaime 10

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:12

Sorry OP, but I can't stop laughing now.

worldclassrager 39

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:14

I don't think he knows how to foreplay...help him out a bit...

Echoa21 18

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:18

He may not know how to foreplay but he does know how to penis

krtrupp 7

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:18

Oh the poor guy.... You need to help him out on this one, OP. This really has me giggling.

nismo98 14

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:20

better term cakk...I'm going to cakk you so hard aha.

BanAnnalee 12

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:23

Did you end up ******-ing him?

happygolucky2178 5

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:25

Maybe he was trying to say he was going to give you the big D and it came out wrong. Poor guy. At least he tried!

sickerthanyou 13

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:29

If that is his idea of foreplay, you should show him that your idea of sex doesn't involve him but a battery operated toy, he can watch thou.

breakinlegs 19

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:30

Watch some **** together, that will help him get his head in the game!

KushCrushin89 10

Saturday 28 December 2013 19:29

Is "game" some sort of euphemism for ****** here? If so, that's a win.

DanielleinDC 33

Sunday 29 December 2013 20:46

Yeah, because **** is incredibly realistic. Come on, there are better ways to help a man develop his skills than watching ****.

chocolatefrog28 29

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:37

I'd say respond in kind with something like "Oh baby, I'm gonna twat you so hard," but that might work even still. Time to lead by example, OP, give some quality to get a little back!