By Palindromesque - 04/09/2013 09:07 - United States - Seattle

Spicy
Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML
I agree, your life sucks 53 906
You deserved it 4 243

Palindromesque tells us more.

Palindromesque 21

Hi all, OP here! I'm crying with laughter-you all are hilarious, seriously! To respond to some questions-I discovered my roommate's predilection for silverware and kitchen implements when I poked my head into her room to tell her something and saw an open drawer with a good collection of my utensils. She was actually quite forthcoming, and explained in jaw-dropping detail some uses for a number of them. We've agreed that she can go ahead and keep what she's "used," and that she'll replace the implements now and in future...no cross contamination, she promises. Overall, I'm glad she's sensually creative, so I don't feel the need to resort to hot sauce or splinters! I just fear for the next time she's browsing in the kitchen-I may not be able to scramble eggs for breakfast.

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Top comments

Welshite 39

Actually, I would just throw them away. You wouldn't see me using them in the kitchen after she's been at them.

353 5
RedPillSucks 31

How does she use the can opener or bottle opener or the egg beater? Actually, I don't really want to know.

173 0

Comments

Palindromesque 21

Hi all, OP here! I'm crying with laughter-you all are hilarious, seriously! To respond to some questions-I discovered my roommate's predilection for silverware and kitchen implements when I poked my head into her room to tell her something and saw an open drawer with a good collection of my utensils. She was actually quite forthcoming, and explained in jaw-dropping detail some uses for a number of them. We've agreed that she can go ahead and keep what she's "used," and that she'll replace the implements now and in future...no cross contamination, she promises. Overall, I'm glad she's sensually creative, so I don't feel the need to resort to hot sauce or splinters! I just fear for the next time she's browsing in the kitchen-I may not be able to scramble eggs for breakfast.

202 1
RoseBlack123 37

That's good. But seriously, I wouldn't let her enter the kitchen if I were you

123 2
TheCaramelKing 11

Explain the situation to her next boyfriend, while eating dinner of course.

149 1
clair_brodie 35

At an apartment I lived in, one of our rules was no sex toys in the dishwasher. I never though to think, what if there 'sex toys' DID belong in the dishwasher.

76 0
yscpunkchick 14

The scrambled eggs part made me think of a character Ben Affleck played: "How do you like you eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?

33 2
jesustitts 20

123. There's a song called fried or fertilized, or something along the lines. Lol. Scrambled or fertilized doesn't flow.

6 17
FireFang1331 13

Eww...gross much...get her a gift card to a Adult Shop or something! Does she like the taste of herself on her food? Seriously...bleh...

72 12
hannahsnyder69 16

Just switch to disposable utensils like plastic forks and knives; yes it harms the environment but trust me nobody wants to shove a plastic knife up there

42 7
Dynosaur_dollie 38

typically no one wants to put metallic ones up there either...

50 0
WaBrewer 11

You have experience shoving plastic knifes up your who who? I'm kidding, I know what you mean.

10 4
Sir_drink_alot 20

Sir drink a lot Uses only the finest silverware to satisfy his fair lady

22 1
Martinez0285 28

I hear sporks are nice this time of year :)

5 1
blackonblight 32

100, you obviously avoid any stories from hospitals, because metal eating utensils are quite common on the 'that doesn't go there' lists.

3 0
fukre 3

Well.. Thinking about such utensils after knowing this, not possible In my case... I will buy new ones...

6 1
incoherentrmblr 21

I guess she likes to eat in...

36 1
luuluu5 8

Eat using a knife only, i dont think shes going to shove a knife over "there"

6 1
blackonblight 32

Oh you innocent soul... *pats on head and points towards the hospital lists of items removed from orifices posted online*

3 0
AngryD 9

gross lots and lots of bleach and a std resistant suit

5 0
hugginsman76 10

try putting something very unpleasant on one of them, like hot sauce or something

4 1