Still doesn't excuse the paranoid behavior.

#16 they arent excusing the OP's partner's behaviour, they're talking about the comments all talking about OP as a man, when it says at the top that OP is in fact a woman.

App doesn't show it.

#62 yes it does. That human shaped head clarifies it's a woman.

As someone on the app, no it doesn't. It confused me as to where people are getting that OP is a woman. I don't like this update.

Depends on what version of the app you have and what device you're using. On mine it doesn't show it.

Regardless of whether it's a man or woman it still doesn't justify their paranoid behavior.

No one is saying that the gender of OP or the spouse would justify stalking. The only reason gender has any relevance is that the gender of OP is given, and thus it is wrong to call her a 'him' or even worse, an 'it.'

Yeah it does. I'm using it atm, and I can see it. Upper left corner

Yep. Cheats tend to be paranoid because they think everyone is doing the same as them.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Adulterers are the most paranoid partners. They assume their partner is doing the same. My ex husband was like that. He was always accusing me of cheating when I wasn't. It turned out he was the one who was cheating. It's a good thing OP is getting a divorce.

you don't know how crazy some people can be. I had a guy who swore instead of me working 2 jobs I was just screwing guys all because he didn't have or want a job and thought two minimum wage jobs meant we should live in a mansion and have expensive cars....so he thought I wasn't working as much and would show up at my work places demanding to see me and my time cards and talk to my bosses ....was a whole lot of fun...

There's actually this thing called paranoid delusions that some people just have. My grandmother has it and she goes off at people for ridiculous things. She once accused her husband of trying to kill her by tampering with her bike brake after he fell over it while in the garage. It's just the way some people are. It's not a rational thing and I'd say that a person who has a rational reason for thinking OP is cheating would be level headed enough to know that their job is more important...

Actually sometimes people do get paranoid over nothing.

Even if OP *did* cheat on her wife in the past, if this woman wants to continue to have a marriage with her she needs to forgive her and learn to trust her again. They won't have a good marriage if one person is constantly being distrusted and having one act held against them forever. In that situation, OP's wife would either have to forgive her or divorce her. OP would be making the right choice by divorcing her if she refused to choose one of those two options.

I have friends that are this paranoid. Mostly because of something that happened in a previous relationship. My guess is OP's wife has some unresolved baggage from something that happened in the past that did not involve OP. Or the wife is just really insecure and it makes her be distrustful. OP doesn't deserve that and has every right to leave an unhealthy relationship. Either way the wife needs to work on herself before she gets into another relationship, if she isn't able to trust her partner she will just keep having relationship issues.

This comment is total bullshit. It's a psych fact that the most paranoid people are generally unfaithful themselves, barring mental disorders (anxiety for example). I dated a guy who was insanely jealous and worried that I would find someone else or I was talking to someone else or I didn't love him as much as I said I did... Yeah turns out he was ******* multiple people behind my back. I gave him no reason to be jealous. He gave himself a reason.

I'm sure OP tried to explain many times that she wasn't cheating. Otherwise, she wouldn't file for divorce. Besides, if it's getting to the point where her wife is losing her job over it, it might be time to end things. You can't have a happy marriage if there is no trust.

Also, divorce rates have other factors, a major one being that she didn't know her spouse as well as she thought she did prior to marriage.

Just talking to your spouse might not be enough though. This paranoia is obviously coming from somewhere, and if it is affecting life as it is, then something is obviously wrong mentally. This would constitute an "or worse" situation. I would suggest trying to get the spouse help, therapy, medication, rehab if it turns out to be a substance issue. It sounds to me like the spouse is sick and needs OP now more than ever.

This level of paranoia is well on its way to abuse if it isn't already. As someone else said, she's basically stalking her. And stop with the "she needs help!" shit. You can't help someone who doesn't want help or won't see they need it. Would you all be yelling at op or telling her I stay if the spouse was male?

Just because someone gets married does not mean they have to let their partner treat them like a piece of shit.

I almost threw my phone across the room. No. No. And more no. Filing for divorce over nothing??? You don't think practically stalking your spouse is nothing? You don't think that's emotionally abusive?? People like you make me rage. People like you are the reason people in OP's position can find it hard or impossible to leave shitty relationships. "For better or for worse" my ass. "Abandoning your responsibilities" my ass. I can't believe there are actually people on this planet that think it's totally copacetic to just let someone torture you just because you made wedding vows. Part of those vows is to not treat your partner like shit in the first place. Passionate rant over. Sorry, guys.

What OP's wife is doing already is abusive. This is classic controlling behavior. OP needs to get out before it gets worse. It certainly won't get better. It almost never does.

55, you need to shut the **** up okay because you are acting like a 15 year old who is immature. When a person gets married they sacrifice and they take risks. Married couples are supposed to work through their problems or at least try no matter how big they are okay. You took a vow to try to be together through good or bad and sometimes things happen. Partners get paranoid, people lose their job and become depressed, you start arguing a lot and yelling at each other but some of the strongest couples I know are the ones that worked through their issues. Love is a lot of work, sometimes it doesn't work out but if you have the delusion that it's always perfect you need to face reality. Op is in a tough situation however from what I can judge is I don't think she tried that hard to talk to her wife. Oh yah and one more thing if it was a man that was her husband and "stalking her" cuz he was scared of her cheating then I would the same exact thing I said right now.

65,*

76, I sincerely hope you never have to deal with this situation. I speak from personal experience when I say that at this point, no amount of devotion, therapy, or "working through it" will fix this broken marriage. This situation has gotten really out of hand and it didn't happen overnight. A loyal and trusting partner doesn't suddenly become so paranoid that she loses her job because of it. This paranoid, controlling behavior has been escalating for a long time, probably years. It is OP's wife who is breaking the marriage vows by mistreating OP in this way, not OP because she's finally had enough of the bullshit. She shouldn't be pressured to stay with someone who will likely only continue to treat her worse and worse.

I DON'T think everything is always perfect, which is why I said the things I said. What I'm saying is I'm tired of this constant apologist behavior that dominates our culture when it comes to toxic relationships. This constant "You HAVE to make it work no matter what because you got married" attitude that completely ignores abuse that can easily give way to full-blown domestic violence. There is no excuse for it, and it needs to be eliminated.

#76 you have to realize that these posts have to be fairly brief so we aren't getting all of what truly happened. All we know is that OP's wife doesn't trust OP and got fired because of her distrust. OP may have talked to her wife about it and may have suggested counseling, but we don't know, we may never know. You're making a whole lot of assumptions. Also counseling of any kind can be done if the person who needs it willingly goes to it. You can't force them.

Okay I understand what everyone is saying and I understand the point of view. I'm just saying no one should stay in a toxic relationship but sometimes people have something wrong with them in their life and I truly believe that if a person is strong enough to get through their feelings with their spouse helping them no matter how frustrating the marriage is emotionally I believe that the at the end the marriage will bring more happiness to both than ever before. Idk maybe I'm not being realistic but I believe in that a lot.

You're really kind of not. Sorry, but it's true. People have to be willing to have help and sometimes the best thing to do is to leave. When you think of a relationship, what's it built on? Trust. If you don't have that trust, your relationship will not work. If the person without that trust refuses help or to see they're wrong, there's not a single damn thing you can do but get away from it. There's alert signals for abuse, this is one of them. Should people stick around for the worse because you don't think they've suffered enough?

Since you said you don't know, I'll confirm you are being extremely unrealistic. There are problems that can be worked through, but in order to work through those problems, the person has to be willing to admit they have a problem. The vast majority of abusers- and OP's wife is an emotional abuser at the least, given she stalks OP- do not consider their behavior wrong and as such are unable to admit that they have problems, let alone that they ARE a problem. Trying to convince an abuser that their behavior is incorrect not only doesn't work in most cases, but many also use it as 'justification' to mistreat their victim(s) in worse ways. It is also a well established fact that many abusers follow a pattern when it comes to their abuse, with a part of that cycle being that they pretend or promise to be better and stop the behavior. They then, almost always, repeat the abusive behavior. The fact OP's wife lost her job over her stalking OP means that her behavior is becoming more extreme and hazardous, not less. Staying with someone that is displaying escalating controlling behaviors isn't just damaging to OP's emotional and mental state, but is putting her life at risk. If the wife is so paranoid that she lost her job over it, it isn't too much of a leap to assume that she could be the type of person to plan and attempt the murder of her spouse, either to 'prevent' OP from leaving, or for revenge on OP for 'cheating' despite the fact OP hasn't actually done so. You should probably reexamine the way you look at relationships, #97. You sound like you are just as likely to be an abuser as you are to be an abuse victim.

109, you had my attention up until the very end where you said I would be an abuser or an abuse victim you started making judgement calls based on what I said. The gist of what I was saying is I believe in people enough that I think a person can work through their problems with the help of their spouse and ultimately make a relationship better. Now I didn't say if she or him is getting abused they should stay I wouldn't stay in a relationship where a woman is physically or emotionally abusing me but I would try to help her because I would believe that she can work through the problems but ultimately if it doesn't end I would leave too. I'm contradicting myself I know it's just these situations are hard because you have those people that never stop and never get help but you also have those people who turn around their lives by getting through their problems and I feel like every person is like that up until they prove me wrong. I guess I'm reaching but you know I believe in people ability to overcome problems and failure

Look. My father was an abuser. He changed, but not with my mother. I don't think he'd ever change if my mom tried to stay and "help him". Staying will not help them change, it will only allow them to continue the abuse. So so many make the mistake of believing they can help them change and it just goes they promise to change, might change for a while, drawing their victim back in, making them attach themselves again..then revert back. And it starts over. If you would do that, I can't really stop you. As we've said, you can't help who doesn't wasn't help. But do NOT suggest or advise other people or give them a hope they might change. It could actually lead to someone's death.

125, again now people are forgetting what I said earlier, I concretely said in this conversation earlier that if you are getting abused you should call it quits right away no one deserves to get abused physically or mentally or emotionally. No one deserves that. I'm just saying nowadays people like to call it quits as soon as something goes wrong no matter how little it is. People call it quits after their spouse gets angry one time and yells suitm an argument oh no. It takes a lot of work to make love last forever and in op's case I agre that love is gone and should be gone when a person is getting abused but in general love takes commitment it takes sacrifices and an understanding that you and you spouse are not going to agree on everything that there are going to be argument where a person starts yelling but like I said it takes work to find love and you need to accept your partners faults just like they do about you faults. And for everybody who doesn't understand now I'm talking about in general about relationships I have already said op should get a divorce because she is abused. I know I contradicted myself from my earlier argument because I realized I was wrong and I reread the fml a few more times to fully comprehend it I was wrong she should get a divorce.