Gross

DIY project idea

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 700

You deserved it 5 717

Trash

By Attack of the drunk caveman - 14/04/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I'm a hotel housekeeper. I was warned by the manager that one of the rooms was "horrible." When I got to said room, I understood: what he meant; it looked as though it was raided by a drunken caveman. It took my friend and I almost an hour to clean it up completely. At least the "caveman" left a $2.00 tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 117

Growing old sucks

By Anonymous - 07/04/2023 00:00

Today, I've gotten to that point in life where I can no longer seem to trust a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 153

Nutter on the bus

By Metallurge - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I was so hungry when I finished work that I grabbed some chips to eat on the bus home. The guy who sat next to me spat in them as he left to get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 773

You deserved it 3 169

Great start

By Anonymous - 27/03/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I was rushing to get to work on time and grabbed what I thought was my coffee mug. It wasn't until I was in the car that I realized I had grabbed my husband's urinalysis cup. Not quite the morning boost I was expecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 257

Ring of fire

By Anonymous - 26/03/2023 12:00 - United States - Ardmore

Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 156

False economy

By Anonymous - 22/03/2023 16:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tried to save money by buying a generic brand of coffee instead of my usual brand. It tasted terrible and I ended up throwing it away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 336

Superficial chud

By Saggy - 20/03/2023 04:00

Today, I was ready to get intimate with my husband 7 months after giving birth to our son. He always made excuses as to why he couldn’t. Our marriage was on the rocks because of this, so when I sat him down to talk he admitted that to save this marriage I need to get a “tummy tuck” and a “breast lift.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 092

You deserved it 244

Jot that down

By mustanggt - 16/03/2023 10:00 - United States - Coronado

Today, my workplace's new policy requires me to ask employees why they're calling out sick. I had to listen to the answer, "When it comes out of your bum, like a bullet from a gun…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 140

The gall of it all

By Anonymous - 14/03/2023 00:00

Today, and every other day for the past week and a half, I have added a new step to my nightly routine: violently throwing up, just before bed. Fuck you, gallbladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 118

Sights, sounds, smells

By Anonymous - 11/03/2023 12:00

Today, I was babysitting my friend's kids. One of the twin babies threw up all over my shirt and it went down my bra. Of course, I didn't have a change of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 175

Caked out

By Anonymous - 10/03/2023 18:00 - Canada

Today, I meant to surprise my boyfriend by baking him a cake. When I took it out of the oven, I realized I had accidentally used salt instead of sugar. He tried to eat it anyway, and ended up spitting chunks of it out all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 309

You deserved it 737

Dude, gross!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely, amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles, and out of my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 602

You deserved it 3 880

Poopy

By pandaface - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 225

You deserved it 5 918

No thanks

By Kara - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards to ask if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 039

You deserved it 2 869

Butt stuff

By Anonymous - 27/02/2023 05:00 - United States - Springfield

Today, I found a strange brown ball while emptying my husband's underwear from the dryer, more like a marble-sized pellet. It was exactly what it sounds like: a ball of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 104

We've all done it

By Anonymous - 25/02/2023 04:00

Today, I was in the bathroom at the mall and the toilet paper had ran out. I had to use the socks I'd just bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 224

Classic mistake

By Katy - 14/02/2023 18:00

Today, after I finished giving my baby a bottle then burping her, I lifted her up and was bringing her in for kisses. As I was doing this, I felt this warm liquid hit my lips and slide into my mouth. I instantly pulled her back and she'd vomited. It took everything out of me not to vomit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 368

Economy 101

By cheap bastard! - 13/02/2023 17:00 - United States

Today, instead of thinking he should try to get a higher-paying job (like I did) my husband decided to come up with some money saving ideas. Almost all of them include being unhygienic, such as weekly showers, wiping dishes, and only washing clothes after 5 or more wears. I want a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 160

Grossed out

By BARF - 12/02/2023 18:00

Today, my boyfriend is an incredibly adventurous eater. We were on a road trip and stopped at a place that had "Fried brain sandwiches" and he insisted on trying one. He loved it. Just watching him eat it made me so sick that I still feel nauseous hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 222

Working conditions

By Anonymous - 10/02/2023 16:00 - Australia

Today, I'm sitting in a disgustingly hot office with all the windows thrown open. There is no fan, and the owner won't let us use the air conditioner. The smell of mold permeates the room from the ceiling, giving me headaches by the end of the day. The owner refuses to get someone in to clean it. I can't quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 148

Let it all out

By m33p - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 426

You deserved it 8 557

Best gift ever

By Vanessa - 04/02/2023 00:00 - United States

Today, my toddler gave me what I thought was a ball of melted chocolate. I held it and sniffed it to be sure… It was a freaking ball of her poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 234

It's alive!

By Anonymous - 02/02/2023 00:00 - Germany

Today, I guess my mom didn't clean her toilet before going on vacation. That’s probably why it’s not only dirty, but the dirt has started to grow mould. Spoiler: She's been back from her trip for a while now, the toilet still looks that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 99

Bless you

By Achoo - 31/01/2023 02:30

Today, I've been having really bad seasonal allergies. I was at work, and feeling just about to sneeze for at least a full minute, but thought I could stop it. A customer came up to me, I opened my mouth to greet her… but instead sneezed right in her face. Several seconds before my addled brain caught up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 187

Surprise visitor

By j_portal - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 494

You deserved it 5 698

Stinking the place out to own the libs

By Sigh - 18/01/2023 18:00

Today, my 30 year-old daughter was fired from her job for bad hygiene, despite getting multiple warnings and write ups. She says she’s not showering to save money, and this “inflation shit is out of control.” According to her, me and the “Demoncrats voted for it” and made it this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 429

What the…?

By Gary McBain - 14/01/2023 06:00

Today, whilst in the break room at work, a girl I don’t know walked into the room. She gave me a look of utter disgust, then turned and walked back out of the room. I was so shocked, I burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 91

Drama alert!

By I pray for the meteor - 13/01/2023 12:00

Today, one of the human-shaped piles of shit my restaurant serves found a hair in her food. Normally, these fuckwits piss and moan and demand free food, but this sack of filth turned out to be such a drama queen that she puked all over the table and cried so hard she needed an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 489

The fun never ends

By Yudith - 02/01/2023 03:00 - Canada

Today, I found a New Year's surprise: a cockroach in my kitchen drawers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 134

Keywords

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The Top

Today, during a intense orgasm I screamed, "You're my God!" at my husband. Afterwards, he told me I was blasphemous and reminded me that God smites those with false prophets. Needless to say, I think I'll just keep my mouth shut in the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 556

You deserved it 183

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 528

You deserved it 5 995

The Top

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 392

You deserved it 2 853

Today, it was my second day of house-sitting. I was so out of my mind from not seeing people that I invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. I said I would pay for pizza and we could all hang out in the house. Even with an unsupervised house and free food, no one showed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 957

You deserved it 400

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 427

You deserved it 2 730

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 214

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 170

Today, it's my birthday. A month ago, I'd told everyone I invited to my party that it was going to be adults only. One of my friends brought her kids with her anyway, then started screaming and trashing the place when I politely asked her to leave. The cops had to be called to finally get her out of my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 114