Alcohol

Snap out of it

By Anonymous - 21/10/2024 22:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my significant other cares more about her drink and the TV than her kids and pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 103

Reported and blocked

By Me. - 16/10/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I got fired as a waiter because I refused to serve alcohol to a pregnant woman and she reported me. Turns out she's not pregnant, she's just a fat Karen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 976

Fuzzy memory

By Kreen - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 227

You deserved it 44 979

Baseless accusation!

By Nasturtium - 04/09/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, I threw up due to food poisoning. Despite my fever and pain, my wife is completely convinced it was from secretly drinking, and I am now "PERMANENTLY FORBIDDEN" from drinking anything alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 111

Dumbass

By Anonymous - 31/08/2024 08:00 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, my son tried my year great-grandad's 90 year-old whiskey, didn’t like it, and poured it all down the sink. When I confronted him, he confidently told me it was nasty and must have expired, so he did me a favour and poured it away and washed the bottle. I had to walk away and remind myself I love him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 524

You deserved it 115

Barter off!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 553

You deserved it 4 346

Caught in the middle

By Anonymous - 15/07/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, my wife has a drinking problem. She's stopped drinking liquor but still drinks beer, and even though I work and make great money, we are always scraping by. I’m at the point of leaving but we have an almost three year-old and one year-old and I feel like I’m going to get screwed in divorce court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 94

Drunk on the job

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 03:00 - United States - Matawan

Today, I was in a rush to get my lunch for work. I quickly opened my fridge to grab it, and accidentally knocked over a beer, spilling a little on my pants. I told myself I'd spray them in the car. I forgot, and when I got into work, someone sat down and commented that they smelled beer. The person was a student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 226

The hair of the dog

By Anonymous - 20/06/2024 16:00 - Australia

Today, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party. I was genuinely surprised—and also genuinely hungover from celebrating my birthday alone the night before because they'd all told me they were busy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 488

You deserved it 121

Dysfunctionally functional

By Anonymous - 21/05/2024 10:00 - United States - Collegeville

Today, a coworker confided in me that he’s taking a leave of absence to get treatment for alcoholism. I feel for him, but I’m also incredibly jealous. He’s better at our job while drunk than I am while sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 192

Denial

By Andre - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 150

You deserved it 32 412

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Dad

By Anonymous - 16/02/2024 23:00

Today, my dad told me quite bluntly that, while he loved me, he never planned to have me. My mom baby-trapped him by sabotaging their birth control methods, and my existence ruined his life irrevocably and caused the functional alcoholism he has suffered with for 40 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 112

The usual?

By Cian_1 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Herne Bay

Today, it has got to the point that I don't even have to ask for my booze in the local off-licence, they just hand me my bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 621

You deserved it 6 868

This is a low

By Stella - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 357

You deserved it 28 784

Mommy's little helper

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 727

You deserved it 39 011

Clique

By nick - 14/01/2024 03:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I’m being accused of groping and holding a drunk girl inappropriately at the party I hosted. I was literally holding her up, to prevent her from throwing up all over my floor and furniture. Her friends did a good job of just standing there, leaving me, a man, as the only one to help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 109

The morning after the night before

By college student - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 056

You deserved it 9 380

Liquid fun

By Anonymous - 14/12/2023 08:00 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I'm feeling so lonely and miserable that I started adding a few drops of whiskey to my coffee, just to make all those shitty thoughts disappear for a moment. I know that it won't really help and I need therapy, but I can't afford it right now. On the other hand, it seems that I don't really care anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536

You deserved it 173

Heavy lifting

By Anonymous - 04/12/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised I may have a drinking problem when the recycling bin was due to go out and I physically couldn’t move the bin. I thought my kids might have put a rock in there but no, it was weighed down by the sheer weight of two weeks worth of wine bottles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 787

Night on the tiles

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 983

You deserved it 46 606

Karma

By anon - 10/10/2023 10:00

Today, to get my coworker fired, I spiked his coffee with whiskey. Joke's on me, he's apparently enough of a drunk that it didn't affect him. ThenI dropped the bottle as I was leaving for the day, cut up my ankle, and I'm now suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 2 127

You or the both of you?

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 17:02 - United States

Today, I celebrated my friend's 5-month sobriety milestone with her by getting absolutely wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 120

You deserved it 1 218

Couple of issues

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 20:00

Today, my boyfriend confessed the reason we haven’t been intimate in months is because he can’t get it up unless he is drunk. I’ve been refusing to get intimate when he’s drunk because it’s not enjoyable and mostly painful, but I still have needs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 646

You deserved it 165

Poetry in politics

By blondie101 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 991

You deserved it 100 435

Dating sucks

By Anonymous - 19/09/2023 10:00

Today, my latest date ended so badly that I was back home by 8 p.m., drunk on cheap wine, and screaming at myself in the mirror, “What is wrong with you?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 557

I'm too old for this shit

By HateCelebz - 15/09/2023 06:00

Today, I went out for drinks with two 18 year-old girls and a 30 year-old woman. I'm 53, and wanted to hook up with the 30 year-old. She got drunk after an hour and went home in a taxi, meanwhile the two 18 year-olds drank me under the table. I'm sat with them trying to sober up so I can walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 986

Dude, chill out

By U... - 18/08/2023 22:00

Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 113

Driven to drink

By Anonymous - 23/07/2023 15:00

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying to dispose of several empty alcohol bottles, leading to a discussion how dating me and putting up with my insanity has given him a drinking problem just so he can get through the day. Me catching him seemed to be the wake up call he needed, because he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 879

Out of control

By Anonymous - 14/07/2023 12:00

Today, I had to take my alcoholic wife's e-bike away from her that I just got two months ago when she was sober and starting a new job. With in one week she was buying vodka and getting drunk again. When I went home for lunch, I found she tried to cut the chain I put around it with a circular saw used for wood. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 124

Boozehounds

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 915

You deserved it 35 326

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I found one of those realistic, expensive sex dolls in my boyfriend's cupboard. I asked why on earth he had that and apparently it’s for all those filthy, violent sexual things he likes to do, but knows most women would never even agree to try. Um, WHAT? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 249

You deserved it 529

Today, I found out that my grandson is actually my stepson, my son is his half-brother, and my soon to be ex-husband impregnated our son’s wife, who’s a third his age. Yet somehow my slimy ex is the victim in all this because our son beat him to a bloody pulp while I did nothing to stop it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 643

You deserved it 108

The Top

Today, my best friend of 5 years, who I got feelings for, and who I spent endless time bending over backwards and going above and beyond for, once again rejected me. He got into a car accident and I stayed with him all night, only for some girl he never even told me about to come and introduce herself as his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 808

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 951

You deserved it 47 854

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 244

You deserved it 8 029

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 337

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 864

You deserved it 9 425

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 618

You deserved it 445