Intimacy

By skeletor - 18/02/2009 03:22 - United States

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing "Never have I ever." My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, "Never have I ever had an orgasm." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 055

You deserved it 21 513

By jons - 17/02/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 518

You deserved it 3 608

By Dannylover - 17/02/2009 20:53 - Netherlands

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?". I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 290

You deserved it 13 049

By KS - 17/02/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 319

You deserved it 8 949

By mynameisnotdrew - 17/02/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaimed, "That was amazing Drew." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name, which doesn't sound anything like Drew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 045

You deserved it 4 109

Smooth talker

By pixie - 17/02/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, "You smell really good." He turned to me and said, "You don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 846

You deserved it 13 786

By lunarboy - 17/02/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 703

You deserved it 68 949

By manda - 16/02/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 337

You deserved it 7 804

By LALALA3 - 16/02/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 923

You deserved it 10 021

Realistic

By IBleedArbor - 16/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 301

You deserved it 5 027

By pineapple456 - 16/02/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 572

You deserved it 17 984

By Noname - 16/02/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 045

You deserved it 10 599

By miapapaya - 15/02/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 346

You deserved it 6 672

TMI Mom

By Grossed out - 14/02/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 432

You deserved it 7 289

By Mr. Hopeless - 13/02/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said, "Sorry, I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 965

You deserved it 4 235

Backhanded

By kiwi - 13/02/2009 19:24 - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 407

You deserved it 5 608

By The Sbeak - 13/02/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557 415

You deserved it 45 559

How romantic

By SmokedSalmon - 13/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 246

You deserved it 43 582

Frustrated

By skipper - 12/02/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 814

You deserved it 12 089

By florisvanlent - 12/02/2009 16:17 - Netherlands

Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 594

You deserved it 56 393

By thegoldenboy3 - 12/02/2009 12:14 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 271

You deserved it 14 352

Caught in 4K

By Evil_Egbert - 12/02/2009 11:54 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 941

You deserved it 54 332

By Embarrassed - 11/02/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 216

You deserved it 17 686

By JLoistheBomb - 11/02/2009 00:01 - United States

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 679

You deserved it 76 581

By misc - 10/02/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 553 553

You deserved it 47 030

By Noname - 10/02/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 862

You deserved it 48 668

By douglisk1994 - 10/02/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 205

You deserved it 20 251

By V - 09/02/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 398

You deserved it 3 429

Keywords

Miscellaneous Neighbours Awkward Wanker Halloween Lonely Love Party Jealousy Family Argument Fight Animals Cats Parents Health Embarrassing Sports Shopping Medication Birds Anger issues Weddings Pranks YouTube TikTok Dogs Cute Work AITA

The Top

Today, I found out my mom has been randomly searching my room. I've asked her repeatedly to stop, but she says it's her right as a parent. In retaliation I started searching their room when they were out, and found porn mags and DVDs. I confronted mom about it. Long story short, dad's in a hotel. What have I done?! FML

I agree, your life sucks 300

You deserved it 613

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year-old male customer went into explicit detail about the "adults only" programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming, and tries out on his 70 year-old wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 013

You deserved it 6 524

The Top

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriend's shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 552

You deserved it 13 821

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 620

You deserved it 2 889

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 864

You deserved it 3 740

Today, I saw the Steelers throw the game to the Browns. I get it, you don't want to go to the Superbowl, but could you try being more realistic than staged wrestling? FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 742

Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 889

You deserved it 6 392

Today, my boyfriend told me that in order for me to be considered for marriage, I need to prove that I can be a subservient woman. This includes signing over the deed to my house, my car, and all my banking assets, so that he can be “the man of the house.” I make 6 figures; he rents with roommates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 179