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Outing someone is definitely not a good thing. Its horrifying to go through. Op did not do a good thing, but it wasn't their fault. I hope the step sister is okay..

But she didn't even know she was "outing" someone. It's not like she intentionally did it, she was congratulating her step sister on her engagement and in my opinion I think what she did was nice even if her step mom is homophobic.

It may not have been intentional, but that just further proves you don't go around blabbing about it and assuming they're out to everyone.

I see your point, but I still think she wasn't at blame or certainly "blabbing" about it. If my sister got engaged I wouldn't think twice about congratulating her so why should it be any different if they're gay. And maybe if she didn't want people to know they should've told her, how was she supposed to know?

Eh, whatever. I still wouldn't go and say "Hey! Congrats on the gay marriage!" in front of people that I have no idea if they're homophobic or not or if I don't know if they even know at all.

Again she didn't know, maybe she just assumed that her mom would know because most people tell they're family when they're engaged. And honestly aren't we past hiding?I get that it's hard coming out and scary , but to me people need to understand that gay couples exist and it shouldn't be something that they have to hide just because others don't agree with what they like and who they are. So many people hide who they are because others don't agree with it , I don't think that's right. They deserve to be themselves

Oh, I totally agree with you. Us LGBT members really do deserve to just come out and live our lives normally. But, of course, we can't. Because of asshat bigots like OP's step-mother. Which one of the few reasons you don't assume someone's out to anyone. It's very sad, but we can't exactly be out and not fear being murdered, called many derogatory names, being disowned, kicked out onto the streets, some schools can still expel you for it, if I'm not mistaken, get fired from work, etc. So, this is just why people shouldn't assume a person is out to anyone. Even their parents. I'm not saying OP did know that she wasn't out. If they did, I'd have only hit the YDI button instead of both. This is just a case of OP making an assumption and, as such, making an "ass out of u and me".

Nah the step-Mum would have found out at some point. OP didn't cause anything, they just accidentally accelerated the inevitable. I mean they are going to MARRY - they would have had to say something at some point.

Phobia (or any of its forms) can actually be correctly used to describe not only a fear, but also a dislike or aversion.

This is true but usually most people either tell their parents/family first, or they tell people to not say anything. OP had no idea it was a secret and was just excited and trying to be nice.

If the step sister is open enough to be getting married, one would think she would be open with her mother, OP had no idea it was a secret so if anyone deserves it, it is the step sister for not telling OP to keep it quiet. Usually something like this is not a secret.

It's like an unspoken rule. Don't say anything to anyone about someone being gay or their relationship unless they give you the ok too because now she has to put up with her mom's bs for the next year and if she lives with her it'll be much worse.

@44: Whether OP was told or not told to keep it under wraps is irrelevant - that was still not OP's news to announce, well intentions or not. Even with same sex marriage being legal, coming out is still scary and stressful for a lot of people - after close to a decade of being in the closet, it was only last month that I finally felt safe and comfortable enough to announce it to family/friends that didn't already know - and you truly do not know how people are going to react to the news. Sometimes it's good, and sometimes people lose their shit. If someone told you they were going to have a baby, it's kind of understood that you don't go announcing that on that person's behalf - you leave it for that person and give them control of when and where to announce it, if at all. Same thing here, except it's a matter of personal safety too. Hopefully OP didn't jeopardize their stepsister's relationship with her mom/family, and everything goes well in the end.

If you tell family you're getting married then it's always assumed that you've already told your parents. OP had no reason to know that he was offering a toast for something the step mother already knew. Since it's also a gay marriage it's even more important that the step sister tell OP that it;s a secret and that she's not out to her mother. This is entirely the step sisters fault.

Really? Because you shouldn't assume everyone knows or accepts that the person that came out to you knows they're LGBT. You should NEVER assume who knows and who doesn't.

As far as he knew at the time, he wasn't announcing something that was news to anyone there. He thought he was celebrating something that everyone there already knew.

Actually the unspoken rule is that if you are out then you're out to everyone unless you say otherwise. A lot of people will ask but it's not something they have to do. You can't assume that everyone will automatically keep it a secret.

Are you serious? That's not the rule at all! You tell one person that you're having a same-sex wedding and suddenly everyone knows? That's not how it works.

In terms of what the unspoken rule is, it sounds like there are different views, though a lot of people on this thread seem to think it is that if you want to keep it secret, you make that clear to the person you are telling. So I think the problem with this unspoken rule is that it needs people to clarify it - so if you don't want anyone else to know, tell that person to keep it a secret, but if you don't mind then say it is ok to talk to people about it. And the person being told should also ask just to be clear. Then we can hopefully avoid people accidentally telling others about it or thinking they can't talk to others about it.