A toast == announcement

Still, OP didn't know for sure that his step-sister told their mom. OP could have at least had the courtesy to ask who knew.

It's not up to OP to ask if this is a secret. If no one tells you something is a secret then you have no reason to know you should be careful who you tell. This is true for everything not just this. If it were me, I'd assume that the step-sister is out to the family because why else would she be planning a same-sex wedding - and telling people about it. It sucks for the step-sister that she has a mother like that - but it's still her fault for not being clear that this was a secret (especially since she knew how her mother would react). This happens all the time over other things and it's always on the person disclosing the event or situation to make sure that the people keep it quiet.

Um, yeah, it is up to the OP to ask if it's a secret. You don't just go around blabbing this to people you have no idea if they know, assuming they do. For all we know, OP's sister assumed that OP would actually keep his mouth shut and assume there's still some people that don't know instead of blabbing to everyone.

When I got pregnant, I made sure to tell every person that I told to keep their mouths shut, no talking about it on fb or to my family. I did this because it was a secret for me. If I didn't tell people this, they would have talked to my mom about it (we both work for the same company, just different buildings) because usually the first person you tell is your mom. I had my reasons not to tell my mom right away, so I made sure people knew not to say anything. If I haven't, it would have been my fault my mom found out before I wanted her to. Exact same thing here, OP had zero reason to believe this was a secret, and it is not up to OP to ask everyone if the news they are telling them is secret, otherwise we would be asking everyone that question with everything.

See, there's a difference between keeping your baby a secret and keeping your homosexuality a secret. While no one will attack you for having a baby (Unless you're a teen), you can get attacked, disowned, killed, kicked out onto the streets, fired from your job, jailed and executed in some countries, and constantly harassed. Now, tell me, if someone told you they were having a gay marriage, but didn't tell you specifically to keep it a secret (It should be common sense to keep it a secret until they let you know, with consequences of being gay like that), would you really still out them in front of possible homophobes, just because you think they should have to deal with it? Especially if that someone was family? Would you REALLY do that? That'd be quite disrespectful. Just because YOU would go around and tell everyone the big news and tell them to keep their mouths shut from other people, doesn't mean everyone would or should. Anyways, what would you expect the step-sister to do? What if she told pretty much everyone except the OP's step-mom? Or what if she told one dozen people but didn't tell another dozen? Do you expect the step-sister to write down a list of names for the OP and have OP look over it every single time the OP wants to say their step-sister is gay? Because it could be hard to commit everything to memory. Overall, this is NOT the OP's sister's fault. It's the fault of the OP for assuming everyone knows about it and everyone would be OK with it.

It's not like OP was going around telling every person they ran into. They made a toast in front of family. Regardless if you are getting married (gay marriage or not), having a baby, buying a house/car, or any other exciting news, it should be safe to assume that the family (especially the mom) knows. Hence the need for the step sister to tell OP that it is a secret. He wasn't outing his step sister, he was congratulating her and her fiancé on their engagement. If you are far enough in your relationship with your partner to be getting married, it, again, should be safe to assume that his is not news to family. Maybe I didn't want my mom to know that I was pregnant because I'm not married and she disapproves of that (not my reason btw) or she doesn't think I'm stable enough in my marriage or my life to bring another into the world, and I worry that she will disown me (not my reason). There are lots of instances where women are pressured into getting abortions because family disapproves, there are countries where it is considered a crime to get pregnant out of wedlock. So yes, it is the same. In a country that has freedoms such as gay marriage and being able to procreate as a normal thing, it should be safe to assume that family knows. OP had zero reason to think otherwise.

Ok, though I don't really blame anyone in this situation(it was just an unfortunate accident), you saying coming out as gay and being pregnant, out of wedlock or not, SERIOUSLY pisses me off. How many countries is that? How many countries are still trying to make that a rule? Can a girl be beat down in countries where it's legal for being pregnant, perhaps killed or raped?

In a country where it is gay marriage is legal and it is legal to be pregnant no matter the circumstances, the situations should be able to be handled the same when it comes to telling people. It should be safe to assume that I told my mom I was pregnant, so why not go up to her and congratulate her on becoming a grandmother? It should also be safe to assume that if I were getting married (to a woman or a man), that I told my mom, so why not congratulate her on the upcoming wedding? Yes, people can get abused for being gay, and yes this is a huge issue that is being rectified, so I understand the unspoken rule of outing someone is a given. Even to their family. But when someone is getting married, it is a serious part of their life and the couple has usually been dating for a while, and had the meet the family dates, so it should be safe to assume that family would know about the fiancé, at least in the dating aspect. I only brought up the possible abusive side of announcing pregnancy to state that it does happen (though it's not nearly as often or pronounced) so the possible downfalls when making such an announcement for either could be the same. In either situation, if you are confiding in someone, this normally happy news, one can usually assume that at least family knows, so at a family gathering, why not make a toast to celebrate? The step sister should have told OP that it was a secret and not to say anything.

And yes, a girl can be beaten down, or killed for being pregnant, even in countries where it is legal to be pregnant. We live with many nationalities in our counties, many that bring their own customs and cultures with them, so they still act as they would in their home country, even if it is just within their homes.

Like I said, I don't blame anyone. For people having to hide part of them their whole lives, it's just normal to them. Maybe she thought op knew the stepmother was homophobic. Coming out and being pregnant is still drastically different because the difference in the amount of dangerous people. If you look up attacks on gay people for their sexuality vs pregnant women attacked for not being married, which do you think you will find more of? Yes, some countries still will do it but more have anti gay laws. Yes, they still have problems but you stated they were the same and that's what bothers me. A woman pregnant out of wedlock cannot look at a gay person and say they've been through what they have. Why do we have to blame someone here? As I said, she might have thought op knew better because of how normal it is for her. Op I assume is straight and many people don't seem to have a realization of how it is still dangerous for gay people despite progress made. It was an accident.

Do you know a woman who has been absurd because she was pregnant? Then you can not say that it is not the same. I realize that it is a ton more common to be abused for being gay (as I have said) but the point remains that it can still happen in each situation. Just because the size of the pool in each situation is vastly different, does not mean the outcome is not just as horrific. OP obviously feels bad and is blaming themselves for this incident. IF someone is to blame, IMO, it should be in no way shape or form OP.

Other people are not responsible for my sexuality or my safety. Considering what the consequences can be for being outed at the wrong time and place, it is even more important that LGBT people take responsibility for things like this. OP did nothing wrong because OP was never told that talking about this (in any context) would be a problem. When I first came out I was very careful to make sure that the people who did know were aware that my family did not know. Only a complete idiot would tell someone they are getting married and then not tell them that no one is supposed to know. The fact that this is a gay marriage and the step sister was not out makes her an ever bigger idiot. If you have a secret it's up to you to make sure the people you tell are aware of that. Your sexuality has nothing to do with that - it's just common sense.

If op lives with the stepmom it is around her, it's completely possible she thought op knew she was homophobic. I don't agree with her not telling the stepmom when she's about to get married, but I'm not her. I don't know the consequences it would bring. And I'm done trying to argue this. I understand women have trouble with being pregnant out of wedlock but in many countries, it's so much better than being found to be gay. If you want to downplay that by comparing them, go ahead. I'm done. Let someone else try to explain.

Well if I am not understanding your point, is it not possible that you are not understanding mine either? And if you weren't trying to argue your point, then why are you trying to argue your point?

"Yes, a girl can be beaten down for being pregnant" But how often do you see that happening compared to it happening to gay people?

#95 Tell me why exactly you think OP's step-sister didn't say she didn't want ANYONE to know and was, instead just somewhat vague about it? If someone comes out to you, you respect them and not tell anyone you aren't certain if they know already.