Intimacy: It's a trap!

It's a trap!

By RC3Welly - 09/03/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636 892

You deserved it 798 725

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By RC3Welly - 09/03/2012 22:58 - United States

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 1 819

By fuckmuppeter512 - 04/01/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend. After only having sex once, where I wore a condom and didn't even get to come, she says that she's pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 870

You deserved it 8 703

By ottawaaa - 27/01/2009 22:26 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 176

You deserved it 10 861

I don't understand!

By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she did not want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 014

You deserved it 639

Precaution

By Tai - 31/10/2010 13:30 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 585

You deserved it 9 943

By sexisntfun - 30/03/2015 02:13 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 317

You deserved it 3 184

By Marco - 01/04/2013 21:00 - United States

Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 016

You deserved it 45 622

By air - 13/07/2009 09:17 - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 672

You deserved it 89 247

Wrap it up

By Anonymous - 03/09/2023 14:00

Today, the one time, THE ONE TIME, we ran out of condoms and had sex anyway, my girlfriend got pregnant, even though she’s on the pill. I didn’t even orgasm inside her, I had to do a Google search to learn that live sperm can emerge and go inside her even before I orgasm. We are so screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 251

You deserved it 783

By wtfjusthappened - 31/01/2014 15:29 - United States - Redmond

Today, I went down on the girl of my dreams. While I was down there, I started to put on a condom. As I came back up to start having sex, she told me she couldn't cheat on her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 828

You deserved it 13 048

Fake Profile 6

Thursday 18 May 2017 8:02

How is your seven year old?

Jared900DUmpling 30

Friday 13 January 2017 13:05

Well shit.

Comments

Jared900DUmpling 30

Friday 13 January 2017 13:05

Well shit.

Missbarbie 13

Tuesday 2 May 2017 22:54

Wow, that is disgusting, I am very sorry you had to be in that situation

ProperPengTing 15

Tuesday 2 May 2017 23:26

Should've been absent

JasonThorn 20

Thursday 11 May 2017 16:50

Pardon the morbid curiosity, but a question for the OP: Was her plan successful?

Fake Profile 6

Thursday 18 May 2017 8:02

How is your seven year old?

wickedgetz 30

Wednesday 31 May 2017 10:26

congrats daddy :-)

theantigorebel 8

Saturday 22 July 2017 16:37

now that sucks

sh1ri2 6

Monday 24 July 2017 18:57

You could still get her pregnant even if you did pull out. Be more careful.

Kurtis Wong 3

Sunday 30 July 2017 5:39

I COULDN'T GET OUT IN TIME. MISSION FAILURE. ABORT!ABORT!

Vicky Sapio 7

Monday 7 August 2017 0:08

That's what you get for being a **** boy ??

nadamar08 4

Saturday 12 January 2019 15:32

wtf how is he the **** boy when she tried to trap him against his will

Dandyboi 7

Thursday 30 April 2020 13:28

True.

D3stiney 2

Monday 2 January 2023 13:23

how’s he the **** boy when she’s literally tryna make him something he doesn’t wanna be ? (father)

Keywords

TV shows Miscellaneous Work Awkward Coworkers Politics Transportation Ironic Embarrassing Relatable Social Media Instagram Parenting Shopping AITA Am I overreacting? Jealousy Love Kids Pranks Friends Dogs Housework Cars Porn Technology Sports Health Accident Mental health

The Top

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!...

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 22

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 065

You deserved it 5 144

The Top

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 201

You deserved it 325

Today, I punished my new dog for taking a shit inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 228

You deserved it 3 376

Today, I asked my husband how much he loved me and he refused to answer, because he was convinced I was using some unfair logic to start an argument, simply because I wanted to argue over something, anything. I later realised he was probably right. I’m an awful person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 250

You deserved it 1 735

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 284

You deserved it 6 307

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm "a self-absorbed bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 697

You deserved it 8 945

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 793

You deserved it 2 464