Animals: Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document...

By Canonlizardjet - 13/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 580

You deserved it 596

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Same thing different taste

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

By lizardhater - 12/03/2020 22:09 - Singapore

Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 190

You deserved it 277

By Anonymous - 17/07/2011 20:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 640

You deserved it 8 874

Spooked

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 05:08

Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a makeshift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 800

You deserved it 6 777

By LP - 16/02/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 626

You deserved it 2 378

By OhaiiKid - 07/03/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 483

You deserved it 26 063

By Anonymous - 17/03/2017 19:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 908

You deserved it 537

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 059

You deserved it 602

By bad luck Bianca - 17/01/2015 22:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 847

You deserved it 10 204

By Anonymous - 03/09/2013 19:50 - United States

Today, I had to visit a client because his printer had broken down. After driving for an hour, then being screamed at about how horrible my company's service is, I walked over to his printer and found the problem: there was no paper loaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 406

You deserved it 3 128

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 17:11 - Germany

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 662

You deserved it 2 700

foolest 7

Monday 13 February 2017 14:33

geico's new advertising tactics are amazing

eaglerob 20

Monday 13 February 2017 15:00

Canon's new 3D printer...almost too good

Comments

False_Stupidity 41

Monday 13 February 2017 20:07

True to life printing!

GIJoefan 6

Tuesday 14 February 2017 2:28

And here I thought that only happened in Australia!

Kalhenwrath 13

Tuesday 14 February 2017 2:30

I'd like to know what about this qualifies as "near-death" you over-sensitive snowflake.

rgetting 24

Tuesday 14 February 2017 5:13

Near death? Grow up.

rgetting 24

Tuesday 14 February 2017 5:15

Tell your sob story to a Marine.

jokesonthebat 0

Tuesday 14 February 2017 6:05

This is the best FML I've read in ages!

Geckosrock99 33

Tuesday 14 February 2017 23:46

On the bright side, free lizard.

Geckosrock99 33

Tuesday 14 February 2017 23:46

On the bright side, free lizard.

LunaMyst 19

Friday 17 February 2017 1:55

I actually lol'd, well done, OP

Keywords

Money Kids Gifts Awkward Coworkers Work Annoying Miscellaneous Accident Love Cute Weddings Health Sports Ironic Neighbours AITA Erratas Housework Home improvement Cleaning Disappointment Embarrassing Snoring Family Relatable Am I overreacting? Politics Anniversary Pizza

The Top

Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn’t know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can’t walk or sit properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 570

You deserved it 625

Today, after months and months of trying to get my blood pressure back up to normal, and try to get back to optimal health, my doctor told me I'll never get better for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 62

The Top

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over two years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 383

You deserved it 4 651

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 478

You deserved it 6 457

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 497

You deserved it 4 373

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 752

You deserved it 480

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 772

You deserved it 4 699

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 726

You deserved it 4 672

Same thing different taste

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

Spooked

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