Sex and Intimacy: Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best...

By Anonymous - 30/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 227

You deserved it 17 609

When Christmas Ends Badly…
Rather than debating politics with Uncle Roger for the umpteenth time, share the best Christmas FMLs to finally have a good family meal! More…

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Same thing different taste

By TeeJay - 01/06/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 475

You deserved it 7 481

By Anonymous - 30/04/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 630

You deserved it 5 532

Thanks, I guess…

By Anonymous - 21/09/2013 18:10 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 141

You deserved it 4 171

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 500

You deserved it 5 059

By Chakkamofo - 01/02/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 009

You deserved it 2 455

Like a virgin

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 17:01

Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 768

You deserved it 498

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 19:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 074

You deserved it 202

By soapysoap - 10/12/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 887

You deserved it 4 939

By reallyman__639 - 13/12/2011 12:26 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 560

You deserved it 17 507

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 687

You deserved it 91 590

kate08_fml 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:14

that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously

silkee_shiny 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:19

Happy Birthday hun :)

Comments

TooMuchXbox 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:29

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

903texmom1 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:31

wow...35 and first ever ******..with a shower head of all things?! ever heard of a viberator...works wonders!!

spamme 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:32

go sing in americanidol and become popular (it only works if youre damn ugly and can sing ok)

wilstylez_25 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:33

F your life well i guess not literally f your life because then there wouldn't be a FML but at least you've had one

mangoid 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:34

i love those shower heads, but seriously? Get a vibrator. or a sexual partner of some sort.

cbdee 8

Thursday 29 September 2011 19:00

I say all 3!

honeydoodles 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:35

Happy Birthday and congratulations! While I understand why it's FML, but to me it's more a happy thing...I'm happy the shower head worked for you!

rukusrazor 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:37

It's too bad, but I'm guessing there is some reason you have no friends and have never had a boyfriend / ******.

supafly208 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:38

Ouch... you need to get a human dick to do that for ya. you know what gets you off, so just tell him what needs to be done ;) Happy Birthday btw :) On the other hand, at least your first ****** was now, instead of later on in life.

Stay_beautiful 0

Thursday 30 April 2009 16:51

you're first? at 35? maybe you shouldn't be so antisocial and go out and find a real man/woman who can satisfy you. I'd give you my man, but I don't share.