Intimacy: Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having...

By Anonymous - 11/06/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 632

You deserved it 8 171

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Same thing different taste

By margelover - 11/10/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 132

You deserved it 9 045

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 044

You deserved it 2 323

By Anonymous - 10/07/2012 10:03 - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 874

You deserved it 41 383

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 279

By AwkwardMoments - 26/01/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 967

You deserved it 712

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 25/09/2015 20:14 - Germany

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 567

You deserved it 2 516

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 18:41 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 710

You deserved it 3 993

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 876

You deserved it 3 889

By urgg - 05/09/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 915

You deserved it 5 025

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 191

You deserved it 6 723

Paco_el_Taco 17

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Doh!

livinginabook 24

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Your mind scares me...

Comments

this_ghetto 16

Saturday 14 June 2014 3:02

Lol

grashopper8 7

Saturday 14 June 2014 3:50

This may be my favorite FML ever. Hahahahaha you're amazing

DarkPoet_fml 5

Saturday 14 June 2014 5:06

Marge won't be happy to hear about this!

Dabombr 11

Saturday 14 June 2014 7:23

It could be worse, OP. What if you were having sex with Homer, the guy who wrote 'The Oddysey'?

uhohitslisa2 20

Saturday 14 June 2014 13:52

What Simpsons episodes have you been watching?!

ba357681 1

Sunday 15 June 2014 21:04

Your use of the word douching was the scariest part of all that.

newmember123 6

Thursday 3 July 2014 10:24

ok...... lol

jk_waks23 19

Saturday 21 February 2015 9:03

That and what you probably need is to get laid as well! No offence...

Keywords

Love My ex Awkward Jealousy Friends AITA Health Embarrassing Poopoo peepee Sports Proposal Snow Cold weather Annoying Cheating Money Relatable Work DIY Kids Parenting Accident Parents Medication ADHD Weather Miscellaneous Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird

The Top

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 219

You deserved it 5 961

Today, my longtime crush, who turned me down because he’s “sick of women”, just got into a relationship. He made it Facebook official, with photos of them and everything. Wanting to even the score, I commented, “So it seems your sickness of women is cured, huh?” He bitched at me for “ruining his moment” and deleted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117

You deserved it 1 044

The Top

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 415

You deserved it 3 785

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant and couldn't pronounce any of the menu items. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 555

Today, I found out the guy i've been crushing on might be my cousin. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 205

Today, my best friends became friends with my ex-girlfriend, saying she was really nice. I found this to be an awful lot of BS because my ex didn't even like me, and liked someone else while dating me. That was an arsehole move. My friends all became friendly with her, disregarding my presence, and saying she's "so nice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 195

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 304

You deserved it 35 033

Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 760

You deserved it 7 736

Same thing different taste

Poor pillow

Night terrors

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