Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs....

By Zack - 01/04/2012 21:36 - United States - Duncannon

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 749

You deserved it 26 521

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Goodbye Rémy…

By Tough guy - 04/09/2021 23:00

Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 831

By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 630

You deserved it 3 138

Choose your fighter

By Anonymous - 05/09/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, during the night, we thought we had an intruder, but it was my girlfriend who grabbed a hammer and went downstairs to check. After it turned out to be the damn cat, I asked her why she made me stay upstairs. Apparently because she’s seen me fight in the past, she felt much safer doing it herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 472

Who goes there?

By dontbadouche - 01/02/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 737

You deserved it 7 271

Rude awakening

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 16:01

Today, I experienced the fright of a lifetime when I woke up and heard my bedroom door opening. Fearing that there was an intruder, I picked up a bat and opened the door, ready to whack the mystery intruder. There was no one there. No one, except my cat, who apparently knows how to open doors now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 140

Hush hush

By Louis - 02/09/2024 09:00 - Australia

Today, I went to sneakily grab a snack without waking up my roommate. I was being extra quiet, tiptoeing like a ninja. I opened the fridge door slowly, but managed to knock over a stack of Tupperware boxes. The crash was so loud it could’ve woken the dead. My roommate appeared in the doorway, not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 302

You deserved it 224

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 732

You deserved it 5 811

By Anonymous - 19/06/2015 19:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 987

You deserved it 3 756

Freaked out

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Hightstown

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 083

You deserved it 12 826

Not a morning person

By Anonymous - 15/07/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 750

TheDrifter 23

Monday 2 April 2012 2:53

I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.

The_creator_fml 2

Monday 2 April 2012 2:56

So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?

Comments

periadoc 2

Monday 2 April 2012 3:25

Lucky it wasn't a fun

TheBonzaiGirl 0

Monday 2 April 2012 7:07

You took the words right from my mouth!

stopsignman 0

Monday 2 April 2012 3:26

the jury isn't gonna buy this story at all...

sillydumpling 0

Monday 2 April 2012 3:27

Who were you whispering to then?

EG14_fml 8

Monday 2 April 2012 15:25

Casper...

linkinpark98 23

Monday 2 April 2012 3:28

Did you whack her in the face? o_o

NYCBOII123 7

Monday 2 April 2012 3:29

So u didn't notice that your girlfriend wasn't in your bed?

CallMeMcFeelii 13

Monday 2 April 2012 3:46

Congrats, you found the hidden meaning within the story! Now on to the next clue.

StanSmith_fml 9

Monday 2 April 2012 3:33

Thats why I have a shotgun under my pillow. Like every American should.

hilary56 0

Monday 2 April 2012 3:44

If he had a shotgun things would've been worse, he would've 'shot' his girlfriend!! :p

StanSmith_fml 9

Monday 2 April 2012 4:16

Yes. That was my point.

DocBastard 38

Monday 2 April 2012 5:23

Oh goody. Another stupid character account. Oh, the fun we all shall have.

perdix 29

Monday 2 April 2012 3:36

You could have blamed auto-correct and everyone would have bought it. I had to bitch-slap my iPhone a few times to accept that "sammich" is a word.

hilary56 0

Monday 2 April 2012 3:37

Damn I feel bad for your girlfriend, that poor girl got hit by a frkn bat....and OP, I know you wanted to play 'hero', but It didn't work this time.

laden_swallow09 34

Monday 2 April 2012 13:17

"Hero"? No. Every American is entitled to protecting one's home from intruders and even the police (given the proper procedures are followed concerning officers) When you have only seconds to live or turn away a hoodlum, the police are only minutes away.