Miscellaneous: Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently... - FML

By DeeDee - 04/02/2014 22:08 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 748

You deserved it 5 449

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Same thing different taste

Hack

By Anonymous - 13/04/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 938

You deserved it 6 047

By Anonymous - 03/03/2012 03:05 - United States

Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 879

You deserved it 10 047

By everore - 25/12/2012 18:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 079

You deserved it 3 470

By Anonymous - 24/09/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 300

You deserved it 7 218

By Anonymous - 20/03/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 312

You deserved it 4 582

Awks

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 21:23 - United States - Plaquemine

Today, I showed up at my brother's house for a visit. Little did I know, there was a family gathering. My best friend was invited and I wasn't. She's "more fun and less awkward" than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 985

You deserved it 3 510

Brotherly love

By Anonymous - 16/06/2023 22:00

Today, my brother was going to get some drinks for a party we were going to. After getting the drinks, he ended up leaving me at home while he went and got drunk like never before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 612

You deserved it 101

By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - 17/07/2013 10:06 - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 997

You deserved it 6 700

By swervelol - 14/07/2016 19:06

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 772

You deserved it 1 108

By holywowz - 17/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 175

You deserved it 371

Next

Top comments

xblaine 17

Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:25

What an attention *****.

unjustlychicken 10

Wednesday 5 February 2014 2:23

is his name dane cook?

Comments

mazdarx94 6

Wednesday 5 February 2014 19:35

pro heckler

Symqathy 4

Wednesday 5 February 2014 23:15

He was just helping. ;)!

brendanloftus 1

Thursday 6 February 2014 5:02

This is actually pretty funny..

Lazychild 4

Thursday 6 February 2014 19:18

That's not cool. Sorry OP.

jdwmoore 5

Thursday 6 February 2014 21:28

sucks, but hilarious

xicul 3

Sunday 9 February 2014 23:16

Hahaha

Asstarotte 7

Tuesday 11 February 2014 3:50

Your brother is a dick

redhotskittle 6

Tuesday 25 February 2014 5:47

That sucks, your brother sounds like an asshole. Congratulations though, for doing stand up comedy. That takes a lot of effort, I hope you go far. ;) best wishes

TheMystery13 13

Saturday 8 March 2014 0:02

That's where you need to be able to improv: "Yes folks, that's my brother, the living condom ad. I'm not saying I don't love him, I'm just saying I hate my dad for not having the decency to just rub one out. They say comics are tortured souls...you know how many times I've walked in on this asshole trying to suck himself off? What do you expect? But it does explain that time at the family picnic when the watermelon had a hole drilled into it. I mean, I'd heard of that kind of thing before, I just figured you made the hole with a spoon, not a pencil! No wonder all of my mom's eyebrow tweezers kept disappearing!" If he doesn't **** off after that...

skiddalz 21

Tuesday 8 April 2014 23:17

this comment made my life

kelizabethb0704 22

Tuesday 9 February 2016 5:14

why would you hand out your material man

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The Top

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year-old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 040

You deserved it 7 444

Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He immediately had a massive panic attack about how a kid is going to ruin his life and split us up, because obviously I’ll choose the baby over him. We’re now in hospital because he hyperventilated, passed out and fractured his skull on the door handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 673

You deserved it 339

The Top

Today, I tried a new sugar scrub soap that's supposed to help get rid of cellulite. I didn't read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite, my butt looks like I got a massage from an angry cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 741

You deserved it 34 816

Today, I was worried because it's July and I still haven't found a summer job, despite applying to 50 places. It was fine, because I remembered my savings account. I told my parents. Instead of being relieved, they said they're going to take the money from me for being lazy, and using it for my tuition, despite promising to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 344

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been "single" on numerous occasions during our 9 month relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 049

You deserved it 3 596

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year-old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation, and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 473

You deserved it 2 866

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 688

You deserved it 161

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. While the father was telling me about bed times and how to reach him, their dog started humping my leg. As I tried to discreetly push the dog away, his paw got caught in the pocket of my huge sweatpants, pulling them down. I was wearing a thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 526

You deserved it 12 533