Funnily enough #5 isn't far off. It's common practice for farmers to burn sections of land. This actually encourages the grass to grow back healthier and greener minus pests. This is obviously pretty drastic but the more you know :)

Weeds are coming

This is probably the most adult Fml I've ever read

Get some chickens....should take care of the grub and fertilize your lawn at the same time

I always hear hungry people say they want to grab some grub. Just invite those people over and viola! 2 birds one stone.

In the Northeast U.S., in early to mid September, de-thatch the existing lawn down to the bare crowns. Apply "milky spore disease" powder at 1/2 tsp on the soil surface at intervals of 1 foot apart, taking care not to inhale or ingest powder, or get in eyes, and be sure to wash off skin and clothing. Get a large bale of sphagnum peat moss and about 6 bags of top soil. Sift peat moss and soil through chicken wire with 1/4 inch gaps, and mix thoroughly. Set apart approximately 1/4 of this mixture in a separate pile, to mix with your grass seed. Select a pure variety of "tall, turf-type fescue" such as Jaguar or Rebel II. Pay the extra money and get a mixture free of "garbage grass". Combine seed with smaller pile of soil/peat mixture. put in small buckets and distribute by hand, evenly across your lawn. Top-dress with remainder of mixture. Water well, and for the next three weeks, don't let it dry out for a minute. Don't even THINK about mowing it for at least a month. After first mowing, apply fall lawn fertilizer. The milky spore disease will take care of the grub problem organically and permanently within two years, and you'll have the best lawn in the neighborhood for the next 20 years.