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The all-time greatest FMLs

By now have a cat - 24/04/2014 20:52 - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 814

You deserved it 3 975

Frustrated

By skipper - 12/02/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 814

You deserved it 12 089

By Anonymous - 21/05/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 809

You deserved it 14 185

By justash12 - 25/08/2013 09:13 - United States - Kearny

Today, my boyfriend and I are on camping vacation. On my way out of the tent, I stepped in a pile of shit. When I told him, he said, "Oh, I couldn't make it to the bathroom last night." The bathroom was a minute walk from our tent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 809

You deserved it 3 952

justash12 tells us more.

justash12 10

Wednesday 28 August 2013 20:10

OP here following up with some details! I can not get the image of him crouching in front of the tent and taking a shit out of my head! Yes, it was a shitty situation. No, I haven't dumped him. Shoes were on! We were at a public campground, down the shore. The bathrooms have toilets, showers, sinks, and TP.

A tad overbearing

By nehadrihan - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Oceanside

Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 805

You deserved it 3 456

Back to square one

By nurseITHINKNOT - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 803

You deserved it 3 958

By anonymaiacciu - 22/12/2012 01:16 - France

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 802

You deserved it 8 964

Bad omen

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 13:34 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 800

You deserved it 4 363

Slacking

By peachmelba - 01/02/2011 20:26 - Denmark

Today, I spent most of the day doing a project for school. When I finished, I got a call from my project partner. She couldn't finish her part because her internet didn't work. When I finally finished everything, I went on Facebook. She was on Facebook too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 799

You deserved it 4 697

By peter - 11/09/2009 04:33 - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 794

You deserved it 2 999

By fucker43 - 02/06/2013 06:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my friend made an effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 793

You deserved it 4 731

By nomomsonfacebook - 24/06/2013 00:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I finally unfriended my roommate's mom on Facebook after months of her commenting on my wall multiple times a day and basically stalking me. After discovering this, she drove to our apartment to demand through hysterical tears that my roommate move out because I can't be trusted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 792

You deserved it 3 327

nomomsonfacebook tells us more.

nomomsonfacebook 3

Tuesday 25 June 2013 2:11

Hi all, I'm the OP. I didn't have an account when I posted this so I created one to respond to some comments. First off, my roommate is my friend from college. We both go to grad school at the same school so we moved in together after graduation. I had never met her mom before we moved in & only accepted her facebook friendship a few months ago because she wanted me to help her plan a birthday surprise for her daughter. I quickly realized she really did it to spy on her daughter/me when she posted things like "where are you guys?" "what are you up to tonight?" "where was this pic taken?" literally multiple time a day. At first I thought it was funny but it became increasingly worrying recently until I decided I felt too uncomfortable & unfriended her. Within five hours she was wailing in my kitchen about how horrible I am & trying to pack my roommate's things to move her out. My roommate was mortified & told her she was being irrational & she left in a huff & hasn't spoken to her daughter since. Thanks for all the funny posts, made the situation much lighter. Now I'm just glad my mom doesn't have facebook!

By Anonymous - 28/03/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 791

You deserved it 6 879

Not now!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 790

You deserved it 6 705

By jonboy - 09/05/2009 20:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 787

You deserved it 5 273

The Voice

By legit247 - 10/05/2013 04:44 - United States - Moscow Mills

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 783

You deserved it 9 464

How do I put it?

By weswithaute - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 780

You deserved it 8 014

By the long distance guy - 08/04/2014 07:56 - United States - Waterbury

Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 780

You deserved it 6 991

By AnonymousAndSad - 24/04/2014 23:42 - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 778

You deserved it 7 859

By anonymous - 02/09/2014 18:58 - United States - Wolcott

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 778

You deserved it 9 661

Noise annoys

By cocacoola - 11/07/2011 14:24 - Iceland

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 777

You deserved it 4 315

By bertiebeth - 02/08/2014 05:35 - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 774

You deserved it 4 031

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was in swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your love life! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 772

You deserved it 6 170

By EunJung - 04/11/2011 00:16 - United States

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 769

You deserved it 4 267

Gottem

By Anonymous - 04/05/2014 21:07 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 768

You deserved it 6 726

Rash decision

By FilthyIke - 21/08/2009 20:17 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 767

You deserved it 4 386

By FMLPLZ - 03/01/2014 02:52 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 762

You deserved it 9 203

By ohokay - 24/01/2013 02:59 - United States - Bronx

Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 762

You deserved it 5 290

Assumptions

By tigerfiend - 17/02/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I went to a plastic surgeon's office with a friend. The doctor walked in and before he could look at the consult papers, he started explaining the liposuction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him and tell him that I was only there for support for my friend's nose job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 758

You deserved it 5 781

By ericabearr - 18/11/2013 20:14 - United States - Nacogdoches

Today, I realized I need to start hitting the gym, when my boyfriend actually utilized my love handles during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 758

You deserved it 11 606

ericabearr tells us more.

ericabearr 10

Wednesday 20 November 2013 8:07

Yes I am aware that "that's what they're there for." I personally do not want them there. They make me self conscious. I'm choosing to go to the gym on my own and not for my boyfriend. He tells me I'm beautiful regardless of how I feel about myself. Maybe he can fun something new to grab onto though! Haha! Thanks for the comments though y'all! :)