Cute

By Anonymous - 22/04/2022 18:00 - Canada - Québec

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate in the bed for the first time. Halfway through the session, she slowly leaned over to my ear, thinking she was going to say something dirty. Instead, she decided to let out a long burp because she thought it was "cute". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 230

Thanks, guys

By Kayla - 18/04/2022 16:00

Today, I’ve been dying my hair an auburn color for years. It looks so natural and get complimented often. Before I can even say thank you, my daughter or partner blurts out, “It's not real” or “It’s fake”. Everyone laughs and it’s a little less awkward, I guess… FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 230

Cheat code

By justno - 15/04/2022 00:00

Today, my 7-year-old daughter has been hopelessly stuck on an easy puzzle in her favorite video game for a week now. Today, she excitedly told me that she'd figured it out. The solution to the puzzle? No, she’s figured out how to look up a walkthrough on the internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 249

Shidding and farding

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 08:01

Today, I was babysitting my friend's two year-old daughter. Within 15 minutes, she had crawled out of her crib, taken off her diaper, and smooshed her poop in between the cracks in the floor. I put her in the tub, left to get a towel, and came back to her pooping in the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 290

Paw Patrol

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 16:00

Today, on the plus side, I have the best home entertainment ever. On the annoying side, a bunch of kittens will certainly decide that running up *underneath* the protective sheet you put over the sofa is THE most fun to be had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 227

The Fear

By marie - 26/04/2021 22:59

Today, the kids in my 6 year-old daughter’s class were asked what they feared the most. My daughter’s worst fear is apparently not werewolves, sharks, monsters or clowns. Nope, it’s "Eating food I don’t like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 212

Looking good grief

By Anonymous - 05/12/2020 23:01

Today, I was at a grocery store buying ice cream after the tragedy of losing my grandma. When I got to the cash register, the cashier saw the sadness in my eyes and said, "It's OK, you'll find the one someday, one that can look at your inner beauty and not care about the rest." He thought I'd got broken up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 166

DIY decoration tips

By CoyoteOldOne - 12/09/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "Fuck off!" "Sharp!" "Do not fucking touch!" "Go away!" "Do not fucking throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 320

People of Walmart

By FayBerry88 - 04/07/2020 08:08

Today, my four-year-old son asked me for a "boobie hug" in Walmart. It's something his dad thinks is cute and I've just gotten used to, so I hugged him without question. From the other end of the aisle, a strange man asked, "Can I have one too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 491

Everyone loves a weepie

By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/04/2020 08:00

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 916

You deserved it 275

New urinal

By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink as an urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 828

You deserved it 327

Rocky VIX

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 20:06

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 357

You deserved it 363

Roll with it

By anon - 17/09/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 507

You deserved it 311

By Kylee Day - 27/08/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. When I was getting dressed afterwards with him sitting next to me, there was a silence. To break it, he grabbed my hand and fistbumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 545

You deserved it 410

Don't point out my shortcomings

By Anonymous - 20/06/2019 22:05

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 607

Nervous

By amelie - 09/12/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. While getting down on one knee, he farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 727

You deserved it 715

Thanks, but no thanks

By hoping to live to see next year - 29/07/2018 15:00

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 525

You deserved it 670

Happy birthday?

By Not really - 19/07/2018 15:00

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he'd suspected it for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 397

You deserved it 1 047

Wham!

By Omar Khalaf - 28/09/2017 01:30

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 121

You deserved it 420

Hello there

By My eyes were on the prize - 12/03/2017 00:00

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 166

You deserved it 1 117

Sex talk

By Baby - 26/01/2017 08:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 624

You deserved it 1 592

Rude!

By reallydevonte - 01/08/2016 17:30 - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 911

You deserved it 1 136

By ihatekids - 14/07/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 916

You deserved it 1 206

Wake up, human!

By inveralaska - 16/06/2016 21:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 045

You deserved it 2 358

The proposal

By Still No Ring - 15/06/2016 21:49 - United States - Lisbon

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walked over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar, along with a note that said "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 437

You deserved it 1 520

Pranked

By Anonymous - 30/03/2016 06:53 - United States - Manchester

Today, I introduced my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years to my friends. I told him how my friends jokingly call him my imaginary Internet boyfriend. He thought it was so funny that when they met, he claimed to be my cousin, saying that I paid him to pretend to be my boyfriend. They believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 293

You deserved it 2 994

Pregnancy woes

By Spraylady - 29/02/2016 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 324

You deserved it 1 784

Awwwww

By Anonymous - 18/02/2016 00:53 - United States - Taunton

Today, I worked such a long shift at Panera that when my boyfriend called later, I answered, "It's a fresh day at Panera Bread in [town], this is [name] speaking. How may I help you?" He thought it was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 000

You deserved it 2 375

Soooooo cute

By Anonymous - 21/12/2015 14:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my girlfriend takes creepshots of me sleeping, and my mom likes them on her Instagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 125

You deserved it 2 159

By anon - 05/12/2015 00:32 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 139

You deserved it 2 824

Keywords

Awkward Embarrassing Miscellaneous Work Sleep Dating Love Am I overreacting? Annoying Parents Health Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Public freakouts Fight Cops Drugs Neighbours Medication Relatable Teenagers Dogs Animals Gamers Ironic Video games Job interview

The Top

Today, I took my new boyfriend's virginity about 10 minutes ago. He kept whispering, "It’s inside you, it’s actually inside you… feels kind of sticky, slippery, it’s actually inside you I can’t believe it.” It was super off-putting and a bit creepy. And no, I definitely did not orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 277

Today, I tried to talk to my teenage son about healthy masculinity. He said, "Yeah Mom, I know. Lift weights and eat red meat and fish. Can I go?" Not what I meant at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 241

You deserved it 357

The Top

Today, my mother guilted me into going with her to have lunch with my eldest brother. He showed up having obviously not showered, with filthy clothes, and the stench of rotten teeth on his breath. She criticises me for every little thing, but makes excuses for him being a jobless slob for 20 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 92

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 269

You deserved it 4 534

Today, while putting a water bottle into the fridge, I suddenly had to sneeze. The force of my sneezing propelled my head against the open fridge door, causing a gushing wound to my forehead. Bless me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 112

You deserved it 3 608

Today, at a family gathering, it emerged that my now ex-fiancé has been sleeping with his brother's girlfriend for some time now. A fight broke out, the police were called, and more than one of his relatives are blaming me for him cheating with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 608

You deserved it 3 602

Today, I waved at my crush, but he waved at someone behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 112

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 233

You deserved it 3 201