Drugs

Holy shit I can't believe my FML got published thank you. I've been actively dating for about 3 years now, but it has been over 8 years since I've been intimate with a woman. Not that I haven't been trying but health issues with my child and I have have made it difficult sometimes to date. But some of the biggest issues have been finding someone who can look pass the fact that I'm a single dad with two kids and health issues. But afew ladies on occasion seemed like good possibilities. And we did start to get to know each other better only for me to realize that they were drunks, heavy drug addicts, abusive to their kids, trying to use me for weed or just leading me on for kicks and being ghosted alot. so all I can really do is keep looking and hoping. and for anyone wondering I live in the upper peninsula of Michigan if you're interested LOL don't know why it says Ottawa.

Legalize it

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 15:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, after arriving, I was told that there will be mandatory drug tests for everybody at my work. Yesterday, I did joints at a friend's party, as it was her birthday. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 419

You deserved it 1 474

Mistaken identity

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 00:01

Today, a woman I've never met drove to the house I live in and tried to buy meth. She knew my name and I have no idea how. I retired from the Army in December and I'm in the hiring process for Customs and Border Protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 978

You deserved it 76

Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge, I'm trying not to lose my head

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, and since I found out that I'm pregnant, I've been sober. I used to smoke weed to help with me depression and anxiety, but now I can't even take prescription medicine for it. I'm about to throw hands at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 387

What do y'all want?

By ladymichee - 07/07/2021 14:01

Today, police barged into my apartment for a drug raid, but they had the wrong address. They came in while I was naked on my couch and didn't even apologize for breaking my door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 80

Taking the piss

By allie - 31/05/2021 22:01

Today, my mom forced me to take a drug test while she watched. I couldn’t do it due to nerves, so she grounded me because, "there's no way I would be nervous unless I was doing drugs." Nope, just a shy bladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 151

You deserved it 131

My Drug Buddy

By Anonymous - 19/05/2021 15:01 - United States - Shingletown

Today, my husband left me for a girl who seems to have a mental age of 12, because she'll smoke meth with him, and I won't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 113

I don't need a Xanny to feel better

By Paprika - 12/05/2021 04:01

Today, my psychiatrist prescribed Xanax. I thought that was a little extreme and that my anxiety wasn't bad enough for that. Within the next hour, I had 2 panic attacks. I guess I'm worse off than I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 130

Druggies

By Citivolus - 11/05/2021 11:00 - United States

Today, I found out my brother and his girlfriend stole my wedding ring, my checkbook and my disabled son's iPad to fuel their drug habit. I'm $600 overdrawn and have no food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 116

Assumptions

By Martin s - 08/05/2021 01:59 - United States - Manahawkin

Today, I saw the crazy meth guy, who randomly rolls up on you on his bike and tells you how he met Jesus, leading a little boy behind a church. After I made sure nothing weird was happening, I reported it to the police and posted a status to warn parents on Facebook, I found it was actually his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 1 028

Possession

By Katelyn_Louise - 01/05/2021 10:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, someone left their drug bag on the table in the lounge at my place, probably a friend, and probably a mistake. The next minute the cops knock on the door and force their way in. Immediately the cop spots the drug bag and cuffs me. It wasn't even my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 856

What day is it?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I caught my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 387

You deserved it 1 276

Too good to be true

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 08:00

Today, after being hella single through this pandemic, I was gently stopped by an attractive man on my way to the bus stop. He looked deep into my eyes, and I took my headphones out so I could hear him better. Then, he started moving nervously, took a breath… and offered me meth, before tweaking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 008

You deserved it 118

Splish splash, I was taking a bath

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 13:59 - Canada

Today, my neighbour decided to get high while leaving his bathtub running, resulting in passing out and starting a flood in the hallways. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 59

Drugs are bad, well, some of them

By RockMeetsHardPlace - 15/03/2021 15:01 - United States - Midlothian

Today, like every day since my diagnosis, I've had to choose between two impossible options. Either I deal with debilitating headaches where I cannot focus, or I feel so drowsy that I cannot focus. My finals are in a week and I can't study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 92

Family issues

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 09:01 - Canada - Niagara-on-the-lake

Today, I found out from my ex-stepmother that my dad and lied about having cancer to cover up the fact that he was losing weight from doing drugs again. He lied about it for 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 106

That's what a druggie would claim

By Chris Bores - 20/11/2020 08:03 - United States - Prince Frederick

Today, my family staged an intervention and demanded I go to rehab. Why? My mom found 'drug papers' in my car. It was a receipt from a routine drug screening for my job. It was also over two years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 77

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 1 291

Online shopping

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 02:04 - Australia

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo, a jockstrap, and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 1 492

We could be heroes

By Anonymous - 10/09/2020 14:01

Today, as an Ambulance Technician, I dealt with a man who had too much LSD. He urinated on my boot and spat on me multiple times, thinking he had dragons in his mouth. I put a mask on him and he took it off so "the dragons could escape." My wage is lower than if I were working in a supermarket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 145

Keywords

Miscellaneous Am I overreacting? Annoying Love Parents Health Furniture Awkward Gross Friends Cops Drugs Neighbours Medication Relatable Gamers Ironic Video games Work Job interview Zoom Social Media Jealousy Instagram Family Food Accident Cheating Death Birthday

The Top

Today, I woke up from a night of serious depression, drinking by myself at home, to find a USB stick wrapped in plastic up my vagina, with "Top secret" written on it. There was nothing on the stick when I checked. I may need to give tequila a rest and switch back to gin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 1 830

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!...

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 23

The Top

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 269

You deserved it 63 923

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 756

You deserved it 4 767

Today, I had to restrain my neighbour because he and his wife were so stoned that they were trying to have sex on my lawn. I got close enough to find out they have matching genital piercings, a ring through her clitoris and an identical ring in his penis. I need therapy, or alcohol, lots of alcohol FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 085

You deserved it 163

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 221

Today, I found out that my great-grandmother was a cougar, seducing men who were barely older than I am now. I did not need to know this information. Thanks Grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 216

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 591

You deserved it 4 522